1st post. Long but please read, help!

[Zues126]

Thanks Jacket. I will check out that book. If you read back in my post a few weeks ago I realized my fear of abandonment wasn't from anyone else, but from me abandoning myself.

I'm not going the route of Sex Addicts Anonymous for a couple of reasons. One, in the book I'm reading they are very opposed to the 12 step program for sex. The problem is that program is about repressing desire, avoiding triggers, etc. And that 12 steps works better for alcohol/drugs that can be completely given up, vs. sex or food that need to be viewed differently. They say the trick is to identify which desires are healthy and which are addictive. Much more to that essay but the overview, it has to be managed differently and that 12 steps can do more harm then good. Secondly, I don't really have issues with my behavior. Like I said, porn was the only outside activity I engaged in and that has quit. I have no fear I will be doing anything on the outside that looks like a sexual addiction.

Let's just say I'm now a 'dry' addict and am trying to work on the roots of the issues. I think the inner bonding book is a good place to start.

Also- I have been thinking of something that applies to a LOT of us in various ways. I am a 'fantasy' addict. I just read your post about how your H wanted to fluctuate between a '5-9' on the romance scale, and how he thinks he could've done that with someone else. Sorry, but that's all FANTASY. Just because he felt a spark in high school he has no way of knowing whether there would've been a deeper connection. It's just him DESIRING something and then FANTASIZING that something out there MUST fill those needs. In fact, the whole DB process can be an exercise in fantasy if I'm not careful (I'll change, we'll fall back into love, live happily ever after, etc...). While reconciliation may be attained it won't be a fantasy life. It will be me learning to accept and live with REAL life.

What I'm learning is that if those desires and needs are bottomless pits then there isn't anything that will fill them. And I destroyed the potential for a good M by fantasizing about a perfect M that would fix my broken self.

So- I will continue to manage my physical behavior, I will continue to learn and grow to understand more about my destructive objectifying outlook. And finally I have been VERY aware then when I start thinking in terms of fantasy I have to get a reality check.