I have boundaries. I don't invest EVERYTHING I AM into someone just because we had a nice day yesterday.
I had some nice moments with my sister yesterday. At one point, things were quiet, and I said to her, "You know...every single place I've considered moving to...I check to measure the distance from that point to where you live."
And, I gave her the mileage and plane fare from five or so cities in the United States.
I told my dad the same thing. "When the girl and I have looked at where we want to set down roots...we have examined different factors, including...is there fun stuff for Grandpa to do when they visit...is it accessible for everyone to come see us and vice versa."
It may have been a small olive branch...but, it was sincere...
Then, what was HUGE...maybe the BIGGEST CHANGE in ME...I had these moments with my dad and sister that were lovely. BUT, I didn't allow my boundaries down completely. I was able to enjoy the moments, but also remain aware that they have some major issues of their own--and I'm not opening myself up to any in-depth conversations about stuff right now. I was able to take what they are able to give and leave the rest.
My sister isn't as happy and settled as she wants the world to believe she is. Once I got back into my center...I could see that. She has some things she is avoiding and the way I've done things isn't WRONG...it's just different. I don't think she is able to "get" where I'm coming from right now. That's ok.
And, as for my dad...he is mellower than ever...but, I know it would take very little for him to turn a corner and show me his ugly side where he is cold and full of anxiety about my future.
I'm accepting them for who they are today and, cautiously, giving them small portions of my reality...so as not to open myself to their unhealthy critiques.
On a walk this morning with D11...I heard her reverse snobbery as we walked past the expensive homes...I know that comes from yeas of poverty...Something to work on as things get settled financially...
But, I was also given the insight..."I'm not scared of them anymore. That's what's changed. They don't scare me. I see them as equal human beings on this planet. I'm no better or worse...just someone with a different experience...AND, I trust God has my back.<<<<<<<<<<< That's it, right there...It's ok if my family doesn't have my back because I really believe God DOES...and, when, that faith waivers, I know how to reclaim it...
But, I'm still really pi$$ed at my mother. WTF! She needs to get the efff back in her own GD sandbox. I don't give a shid how scared she is.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
