Ready!!! Confuse Theeeeeeeeeeeee....(Pause)...CAT!

[LoisB]

Thanks Shining :-)

My family's intrigue and behind the scenes analysis isn't as heavy as my paranoia has given too...but, I also see WHY I feel the way I do. AND, I DO THINK MY MOM is the SOURCE OF A LOT OF Insanity. It was pretty awful (the judgment/analysis from everyone)for a very long time and old habits are hard to break. My dad has mellowed. Or, he is on some sort of medication...:-) Either way, I will take it. Felt the most unconditional love from him than maybe ever. Or, maybe, now, I'm just better at being open to it???

Here's where we how old sins cast long shadows--for those of us with kids...I hope my experience helps navigate some treacherous waters ahead.

For years after my dad's MLC, I didn't want anything to do with him. I kept my distance and tried to avoid him. He became very sensitive and pursued me a lot...up until the past few years. And, the song and dance became focused on how Heather avoids her dad...as opposed to dad looking at how his behavior impacted me and put in a position where I felt I needed my distance from him.

Anyway...I marry Smokey and Smokey is really, really, really insecure. He hates being around my dad who is arrogant, ego-centric and has lots of money and likes to impress...Smokey never finishes college and feels lesser than...

Well, to put it mildly, getting up to visit my dad (two hours away) was hard. Especially with two kids and a daughter with Asperger's who hated to leave her safe house. AND, to make things worse, my getting to my dad's house is kinda tricky. I always...ALWAYS...even now...have a hard time navigating and end up in Michigan (it's right on the border).

Throw in Smokey's issues, my issues with my dad and OW and ALL their money (always a new Ferrari in the garage) while we live in poverty...you have a recipe for disaster. Smokey would end up abusing me verbally and emotionally...sometimes in front of my dad and, often, I would choose to drive up without him which was really hard because D11 was a terrible kid in the car...hated going places and would meltdown, etc... Smokey and I had some of our worst, most brutal arguments going to and from my dad's...

So, that brings us today. I feel pressure and old issues rise when I drive to my dad's house. And, to add to the Spanish Soap Opera...my Jeep is old and I worry about driving it so far. I just had work done and the mechanic gave me the go ahead to drive to Detroit, but it's still scary to me. The easiest way to get to my dad's house is via the turnpike.

So, yesterday, I leave with plenty of time and text my dad before I leave to give him a head's up on when we will arrive. Things are going well. I get on the turnpike. The car shakes a bit and I think of my mom saying, "You can't drive that car to Toledo." I panic.

I get off the turnpike thinking maybe I can't get it up to those kind of speeds. I get scared. I take a back way. Well, I have D11 who is a terrible navigator...The tension is building...Remember, I just left the house after this terrible argument with D20...at least SHE argued. So, I start to feel like I'm spinning.

D11 worries about getting lost so she starts making comments like, "I don't remember EVER going this way."

"Are we lost?"

"Are we ever going to get there?"

"Is this the right way?"

Etc...

I contain myself. I'm do what I need and stop here and there to adjust my directions. I text my dad that we are running late which is always a sore spot for me because ALWAYS seem to be late no matter how hard I try to be on time with him.

We arrive 35 minutes late and I end up getting lost despite years of my dad and brother and Smokey telling me the correct way to go. Always happens. SOOOOO Frustrating.

Anyway...in this small, microcosm of my life...I looked at all the factors. I validated myself. I stopped beating myself up and tried to calm myself down. I wasn't at my best when I arrived, but everyone was welcoming and kind and my dad didn't seem too put out.

But, my brother was late too. And, as we waited for him, I watched as my stepmother (OW/Dad's secretary) obsessed over what time he was going to arrive. She is a planner. She is the Harriet to my dad's Ozzie. They live in this really surreal world of vacations, entertaining, perfect place for everything kinda world. I can see how the pressure from everything else in my life influenced me over the years and how I developed this sorta nervous twitch when I brought my very imperfect/REAL family into the mix and I always seemed to be the one walking into the party with my tail between my legs.

I did that a little yesterday...but, I was different. I wasn't as scared. I believed in myself and trusted that I had good reasons for being late. It was ok. I didn't make an issue out of it like I used to...It was better.

Hugged my sister, confidently, right off the bat. Got that out of the way first thing.