MY TRAGIC WAW STORY PART III

[Ss06]

I can imagine your exhaustion but also see that time is of the essence. I wish we could flag a vet somehow because that's who you need right now. I'm definitely NOT an expert.

[BigMac]

Here's my 2cents. You know she was in this phase before, and found the OM. If you open her arms, and make her comfortable she will have something that she has to leave. When she gets to FL there will be a hole in her self esteem, in her heart where you were before.

I'm not a vet here, and hell I screw stuff up all the time. But that is my 2 cents.

[ItHurts]

Thanks Big Mac! Yeah this stuff that lead to OM though we both know would never happen again. We both clearly know where we went wrong and wouldn't ever allow the other to fall into those ruts again. So that part doesn't worry me. She has told me she's not even sure she'll like it down there...she said she's scared. She said she could come running back here for all she knows. Trouble is her best friend that she's moving in with is also a divorcee...but she also drink a lot and WAW isn't a big drinker at all...bars aren't really her scene and that's where her friend likes to go all the time. So My feeling is she won't last long down there...but that could still be 6-8 months down there and I just don't know if I have enough gas left in my tank to endure that.

I will say I am finding that all people are different so no WAW is the same as another. So it's hard to apply a general set of rules that apply to all WAWs. You kind of have to know the person who is the WAW to really gauge certain things. My WAW is somewhat better, but she now has so much regret over letting our marriage end so fast. She is ashamed of OM who turned out to be a liar and just a nasty person...he is a junkie/alcoholic. So she is shamed. Whenever she would reflect on the many decisions she made that I myself questioned two months ago she kept saying to me "WTF was I thinking? WHAT WAS I THINKING?!" So she is in a bad place as far as her view of herself goes. She did try to hurt herself a couple weeks back which was really the catalyst that connected us again and led to all that's happened the past two weeks...her texting, her sleeping here, the kisses, the passion, etc etc etc. She said "If I knew then what know now!" So she made it clear to me that a new conflict was created within her because of me.

I also found out she brought a flower to the mutual friend who reached out to me. She was grateful because we "were together" if only for a couple days. That hasn't happened since before the bomb and I think it threw a kink in her plan...even thought she seems to fighting that...or so I am told by people that know her. Those days and nights with me threw her for a loop I'm told and woke her up to some degree.

[Ss06]

i think you know what you need to do, IH. Best of luck.

[ItHurts]

No SS I really don't LOL! I wish I did. I haven't done anything yet but people are very convincing. When they tell me I should be spending as much time with her as I can right now...I can hear the clock ticking like I need to do it. Then another part of me wants to just stay NC and let whatever happens happens. I just don't know what to do and I have to make a decision.

[pilot]

Ithurts, my 2 cents.

Whether or not she goes will have nothing to do with anything you do or say. She will make that decision on her own. So you have 2 choices. You can go NC as you said you are doing. Or you can keep 'dating' her.

Let's look at this through her eyes, not yours. You go NC. She is where she is now, and does not have you in her life. What does she have to stick around for? Being ignored by you? She will have a void in her life and heart. She will either go to FL and there is a possibility that void can be filled, as you stated you will be done. What would she have to come back to? She may feel she made a mistake moving to FL, but since you will not be talking to her, how would you know? You will live with emotions and uncertainties you have no control over at that point. You will have to move on, but you will never really let go because you yourself will always wonder what she is doing. And you cannot contact her because then you lose any credibility. Or she will stay, and have that same void. But she will be afraid to contact you because would be mad/hurt. And that void might just be filled with someone else local.

Or, you can keep 'dating' her. From her perspective, she has someone who she knows cares about her, and who is there for her. She has someone who she has fun times with. She knows going to FL she will miss that right away. She will miss that most in the first few weeks/months of being in FL because she will have no one. She will be calling and texting you frequently most likely and telling you how lonely she is and how she feels she made a mistake. Or maybe she will get there and tell you how wonderful it is and how this move filled the void in her life and she feels she can truly be happy. At that point, you have lost nothing you would not have already lost, but you will have peace of mind knowing what is going on.

I am learning right now that NC is great for getting a WAS out of the fog, or at least looking through the fog. Getting them out is just one step. Keeping them out is a whole ballgame unto itself. You have to give her a reason to stay. For all you know, she is 'asking' you to do this very thing, and you have not heard it. What is the worst that can happen if you keep dating her, EVEN if she ultimately moves to FL? If she stays? What is the best that can happen? What is the worst that can happen if you stay NC and she moves? If she stays? What do you think the best that can happen IF she caves to your demand and stays? Do you think in a year or two she might harbor some resentment? WAW II?

I know it opens your heart up to more hurt, but I would stick with dating her. Give her something to stay for. Give her something to smile about. Believe me, I am struggling with the very thing you are right now.

Best of luck to you.

[MrBond]

You're doing ALOT of mindreading. You have the same tone as you did a few days ago when you were "sure" that she was going to reconcile with you.

Release those expectations. They'll just disappoint you.

[ItHurts]

Thanks Mr. Bond and thanks for that lengthy reply Pilot.

I suppose you are right. I should keep dating her. I am just so used to going NC when things start to look bleak. I do indeed see her out of her "fog" now, at least as it pertains to me. You make some great points. I mean at this point what have I got to lose? As you say, if she moves either way...with me in NC or me dating her...she still moves...so she might as well have something to miss. You're right, I don't think me ignoring her will help at this point.

Maybe this is why people who know WAW are telling me to spend time with her now. Two months ago she avoided me like the plague, now she is receptive to hanging out. I do have a birthday coming up and I am willing to bet she will have contacted me for that anyway. I guess now I have to eat crow and contact her. As you say what have I got to lose? You hit the nail on the head in one area...WAW herself said that's one of her fears...that she's worried if she stays she will eventually have resentment towards me for not trying this move.

I think what you are saying is that I need to make sure I remain a big factor in her mind...and by going NC for the next 6 weeks before she leaves is probably not the best way to do that. She will only have another reason to get the hell out of Dodge. Plus there's still so much more she needs to see. She has been blown away by how different she knows things would be with us...and she's only gotten a tiny taste of that so far.

So I think my plan of attack now is to figure out a subtle way to get in contact with her and start going out again. My initial NC plan was to let her stew over the fact that she's thrown "the new us" away again in favor of this move, but if she feels that's what she needs to do as strongly as she does, as you say, there's nothing I can do to change that anyway. It's a do or die situation at this point. I will ponder today over how to best go about this and I will keep you all posted.

[JCred]

This is you 3 days ago....

Just an update...I thought long and hard today and I came to a decision. As wonderful as these past couple of weeks with WAW have been, as much as they felt so right, as much as we love each other...I had to put my foot down.
I told WAW today that all of this rekindled passion and love we are sharing is really for nothing as long as she still plans this Florida move. I told her I think it's best we just stop, stop pretending everything is okay between us. It isn't going to do either of us any good if we're not reconciling. So I cut things off. I feel this is best, to nip this in the bud and just stop it all.

I told her to always know that I tried to save us, with every ounce of my being I tried, but that I am exhausted from fighting and that I am surrendering, that I have no more fight left in me if only one of us is fighting. I told her we should just let it go at this point.

I need to see a real initiative on her part or we just need to stay away from each other. That's how I see it. We've tried to stay away several times over the past couple weeks but ever since the court date for the divorce obviously we both failed. Either she'd contact me to get together or I would contact her, things would get out of hand passionwise...we were both at fault for allowing things to happen that have.

So that's where I'm at, I'm sick and tired of pretending everything is good between us. All of it means nothing unless we're trying to get back together. I told WAW that if that's not the case, and it isn't as long as she plans this move to FL, that it stops now.
She understood and said she's sorry for letting me down, that she has to make this move for her and that she will always love me and always respect me and that if I ever needed her for anything at all to please contact her. I didn't reply to her last message and I'm not going to.
Time to go back to NC and back to my own life and give up the ghost, I've had enough. I know she'll regret this one day, but I just don't have anything left in my gas tank to fight with...I'm tired of it and I just need to stop now.

So that's it folks, that's where I'm at. I figured I might as well stop delaying the inevitable. So WAW and I are done. I feel I did the right thing, as hard as it was, I really think I did the right thing.

This is you 3 days later...

I suppose you are right. I should keep dating her. I am just so used to going NC when things start to look bleak. I do indeed see her out of her "fog" now, at least as it pertains to me. You make some great points. I mean at this point what have I got to lose? As you say, if she moves either way...with me in NC or me dating her...she still moves...so she might as well have something to miss. You're right, I don't think me ignoring her will help at this point.

Maybe this is why people who know WAW are telling me to spend time with her now. Two months ago she avoided me like the plague, now she is receptive to hanging out. I do have a birthday coming up and I am willing to bet she will have contacted me for that anyway. I guess now I have to eat crow and contact her. As you say what have I got to lose? You hit the nail on the head in one area...WAW herself said that's one of her fears...that she's worried if she stays she will eventually have resentment towards me for not trying this move.

I think what you are saying is that I need to make sure I remain a big factor in her mind...and by going NC for the next 6 weeks before she leaves is probably not the best way to do that. She will only have another reason to get the hell out of Dodge. Plus there's still so much more she needs to see. She has been blown away by how different she knows things would be with us...and she's only gotten a tiny taste of that so far.

So I think my plan of attack now is to figure out a subtle way to get in contact with her and start going out again. My initial NC plan was to let her stew over the fact that she's thrown "the new us" away again in favor of this move, but if she feels that's what she needs to do as strongly as she does, as you say, there's nothing I can do to change that anyway. It's a do or die situation at this point. I will ponder today over how to best go about this and I will keep you all posted.

ItHurts...

I understand that emotions can be all over the place in these situations.... I really do..

I hope you try to understand that women aren't always attracted to men who don't have great control of their emotions... One day breaking up and no contact and then a day or so later calling wanting to date.. then ending it, then starting up again...

Please get a grip on your emotions here.

I want you to consider that if you decide to go NC again, that you don't TELL her that. That way you won't look so unstable emotionally if (when) you change your mind again.

You seem to be more emotional than your woman. Women like and respond to emotional strength. Please stop being wishy washy...

[ItHurts]

Okay as I ponder Pilot's words...I am a bit nervous here...is this really a good idea to intiate contact with WAW again...even after I cut things off again? She already said that she's sorry she let me down when I cut things off...she didn't try to stop me from cutting things off and she opted to reply in e-mail instead of an in-person meeting to discuss things. Almost like she knows if she's with me we will end up like we have been...holding hands, kissing, bed, etc. So I just don't know. I need to figure out what to do.

I mean if she's going to miss me when in FL as Pilot said could happen, doesn't it make more sense for her to miss me now while she's still here during NC? This is so confusing.