Finding my way - part 4

[Meghan]

It's still early, and already it's been a rough morning.

The other day, I got some potentially not good work news - basically, I could have fewer hours when I start back than I have in the past and I already don't make a whole lot of money. On top of that, there are some other work related problems that need dealing with.

I'm upset for a few reasons. Normally I'd talk through these things with H., and he's not here. Despite all the other issues, he was good at rationalizing with me and helping me to calm down when I was anxious about something. I miss that immensely and realising that has me crying something fierce right now.

I'm also feeling really annoyed that he's gone off at a time when I could use backup. I feel like he got a four year vacation and caring for two people certainly cost more than caring for just one. I don't even know if he has a job, but I keep romanticizing his life now and imagining that he does and that he's moving on with some great new life while I'm stuck here trying to figure out what my options are and how to get by.

On the other hand, it's possible if he were still here that he still wouldn't get a job, so I guess there's no guarantee that he would have been backup. And, monthly costs were definitely a good bit more expensive when he was here, so at least I can cut back.

Finally, I'm annoyed more with myself, I guess, because some of these things I probably could have caught a bit earlier and helped to fix, at least a little. I won't go into much detail here, but I've been so distracted that I didn't notice some administrative screw ups. Really, I shouldn't have to catch their mistakes, but I'm kicking myself for not checking in earlier.

These last few days have felt awful - far, far worse than the first few days. Dealing with work stuff feels really difficult, and every issue feels absolutely huge at this point. I'm trying to fix things on my own and doing what I need to do, but it's so hard doing it without H. to talk to about things, and while dealing with my own emotional state.