1st post. Long but please read, help!

[Zues126]

Good questions ss. I don't really know. I never considered it as a choice until now because it seems so impossible. Like telling myself to stop looking at food as food. Sorry if that's stupid to say, just trying to explain that it seems like it's been a lifelong construct in my mind that's so exhaustive I can't easily see another way.

Some random thoughts. Maybe if I wasn't so hungry all the time...I mean, I think deep down everything I've ever done has been with the idealistic notion that it would earn me the approval of a woman that would then in turn satisfy my desires. The weird part is that doesn't sound as dark when I say it that way. Only that I feel it goes beyond healthy desire, and turns into wanting to fill a void. That void takes what can be loving and intimate and drives it to something more destructive. It's confusing to me still, I actually thought it WAS intimate because my W got to see and be with the 'real' me and 'understand' me, I thought we WERE connecting. But now I see that's not the real me, that's the dark and twisted me that I believed myself to be. So maybe if I accept myself more or find a way to minimize or cope with that void that would help.

Also, I read something tonight that made sense to me. That a woman's looks are the first thing I will see when I see a woman. But instead of stopping there, I can wonder who she is, what she likes, what her values are, etc. By consciously being curious about what lies beyond the surface it may take my attention off the surface. And that's important too because otherwise I'm either ignoring the rest of her or filling it in with fantasy. My W couldn't compete with fantasy, but when it comes to real people she's top shelf.

Beyond that, I don't know just yet how to tackle this. I plan on just reading a lot, talking to my IC and DB, journaling, etc. Hopefully if I read stories from other's struggles and successes, and learn more about it, at some point I'll find a trail that leads me forward.