FINALLY SURFACING

[Fartiltre]

Sunday morning 5AM.
Woke up in the tent in the garden with the children around me and my ducks (Christmas dinner) drinking dew on the canvas – beautiful morning. Rainy but beautiful.

I find myself thinking a lot about the workissues from Friday and that is good – means motivation and focus is there!
Most of all I find myself thinking about the talk I will have with W next Thursday.

Yesterday was a splendid day. Children and I went to a play-land and fooled around for some hours and afterwards we visited neighbors. The W is back home. That’s good!


Sandi,

How did you word the boundary statement?

I do not recall my actual words but I remember feeling very much in doubt if this boundary is right. After the convo I called a friend (Married to one of Ws BFF) who is a educated and skillfull NLP coach and asked if he would help me sort out my thoughts.
I told him that I felt in doubt, then I went through the logistics of the Wednesday with karate and told him about my experiences with the Ds hurting on shifting days. It took 5 min and he replied something like: I do not hear any doubt in you and all though I never give my personal opinion when coaching, this time I will say to you that you shouldn’t. Sometimes parent’s have to make hard decisions to do what is best for their children

That did it for me so after this I texted W about the Wednesdays.

This boundary is NOT to protect me in anyway – it is to protect the Ds. They need this day off. They need to get settled in at my place. This might change with time but for now it stands – I have told W this with exactly these words several times.
It seems like (this is mindreading) that when the boundary is stated on a time where it actually influences something at hand W gets upset but then she comes to terms with it in a week or two. Same this time – at first she gets angry but then she either just lives with it or gives it a thought and then finds it reasonable. IDK!

Was it Karate that your D enjoyed so much, or was it just another activity your W had enrolled her in? The reason I asked both of these questions is that you are wanting W to realize the affects of the divorce in the children, and at the same time it appears they are being yanked around from activity to activity b/c you want their Wednesdays to be free..

D7 started at music in spring (on Thursdays) but wanted to change just before holiday and do karate with a friend. W was against this – I thought it to be great after I heard the times. She is not being yanked around due to the Wednesday-boundary
This is not due to me wanting W to realize the affects – this is what is best for the children at the moment. Remember that the (hard) logistics on a Wednesday with karate will hit D7 AND D5 since I will have to take D5 along.

When you said you parents would have to find another activity for the kids to do, did you mean on Wednesdays?

No (off course not ) - I meant for us to find another activity and hopefully something like Karate but on another day than Wednesday.

Now I am not suggesting you break your personal boundaries, but remember they are to protect you.....and not intended for the purposes of controlling her. And I am just needing a little refreshing about which boundary you were referring to, and why or how will you be "firmer"?

I do remember and this is exactly why I get the doubts – I fear that some little devil inside me has put this boundary to control W and convinced me that it is to protect my children (hopes this comes out understandable). That’s why I posted the boundary here in the spring to get advice, I had a long talk with my shrink and I have discussed it with friend earlier as well. This little devil has been there all the way through since BD so this feeling is familiar.
The boundary is rather simple “I will ensure that wednesdays (or shifting day) has to be a happy, stress-free day/evening for the Ds”.
The “firmer” much applies to me. I get in doubts when W challenges me with things like “You never wanted to take children to anything” or “Can’t you see how much you will hurt D7”. I need to believe in this simple boundary and then choose a time (every quarter, half-year or likewise) to evaluate it, instead of getting doubts whenever it is challenged.
Therefore the firmer also applies to when I communicate this boundary to W. I simply need to communicate this as I did in the text after the talk with my friend.

Yes, I also have a boundary of W not making decision on my time with the children without enrolling me. She is more than welcome to make suggestions but no decisions – this boundary came when she singlehanded decided (and informed D7) that she should take music lessons on my time.

When you reacted with the "damn it" text, did she know you were not blaming her for the school rescheduling the Karate classes? Or did misunderstand and she was switching days b/c the school gym wasn't open on the usual days for Karate?

As I have interpreted her answers and sayings (and I am pretty sure I am right) she understood it as intended – that there is NO blame towards her.

I really said all of that to tell you I am happy to hear that things seem to continue on a positive note between you and W.

Means a lot, Sandi!
I have absolutely no idea where W is standing at the moment. She is high PMA whenever I see her, painting her house, seeing friends and just seem to be doing good. She seems to be happy!

Where I usually have to remind the LBHS to be careful about certain issues for them, I feel that I need to remind you how you may need to make adjustments from time to time....according to the stage of the R. Make sense? That why I asked you in other posts if you really wanted to reconcile or not. Perhaps this is a completely different topic than what you are referencing about getting firmer with your boundary. I just wasn't sure.

As you already know I am a slow learner It takes time for me to understand the terms and the issues but I feel that I do understand the “tweaking on the 37” and the “bending a little towards W” now and furthermore that I have started to do it. I still have to remember myself to do this before answering a text or a call or before entering her house and likewise, but I believe I am doing it.
I do understand why you (and others) asked if I really wanted R. Case is that I know now that, in time, I will be perfectly happy without W – I will get there in time! That shines through in my posts here but certainly also when talking to friends or W. I am not in anyway sure if W knows I want to try to R.
I am at a place where I am not certain I want R simply because I don’t know W anymore, I don’t know if we match, I don’t know how she would want to live our life together – I don’t know anything for certain but this:
I want to give us the chance to R because I believe there is a chance it might work out and because I am 100% that if it works out it will be great for the two of us and especially for the children.
W and I would have to start all over again by falling in love. I feel like it is W or nobody at the moment. Either we R or I stay single for a long time - not because of her but because I am feeling good being single.

Does this make any sense at all?
Some of the topics in here are hard for me to discuss in english

Do you have any advice for me on the meet-up and evaluation talk that is scheduled with W next Thursday?

Thanks Sandi - as always I cherish value your words and thoughts highly


Ss06,

Nice!!! I can feel your PMA through your words!

a tri-club huh? you're a triathlete? I'm a swimmer. There aren't many of us.

Thanks sS06. PMA is definitely good these days – but as we all know it comes and goes. This is not linear but I am feeling better and better We all will in time no matter what happens – take the time needed and DBing will work its job!

I took up Tri after NewYear and I am very happy with it. It’s challenging and it gives me the exercise. Swimming is still not that good but it is on the schedule through winter where the bike will be resting