Living with WAW who will not leave

[Casey]

Plus, men are very visual so the notice looks and often say one of their primary wants is a trophy-like wife.

I wanted to address this from a guy's perspective; IMHO a lot of women really do not get this, or brush it off as shallow or unimportant.

My first W was never a trophy W in appearance; I married her more out of loneliness and insecurity, but when we met she was witty and smart and a size 4. We married six months later and by then she was already a size 8, and she barely fit the wedding dress that she had picked out after it had been altered several times. When we finally divorced six yrs later, she was a size 18, and we had never had children (thank G*d). It bothered me enormously and it was one of the primary reasons for me divorcing her although I never dared to say it. She still was smart and witty, but the physical appearance bothered me enormously and changed my perception of her other attributes to the detriment of the M.

I tried to get her to work out with me, I threatened her, I worked on myself in the hopes that she would get the hint and do it on her own. In the end, as I became more confident with my appearance and health, I started allowing myself to think about a life without her, and eventually when my disgust and loathing reached a certain point I initiated D.

I realize this was very cruel to her, and years after the fact I can look at it honestly and my motives for doing what I did. At the time I justified it over her bipolar issues, anger problems, and poor health (she was diabetic), but it really was her weight and poor appearance that bothered me more than anything.

To men, who are visual creatures, a spouse or gf is a reflection of what they think of themselves. According to Ayn Rand:

“Love is blind, they say; sex is impervious to reason and mocks the power of all philosophers. But, in fact, a man’s sexual choice is the result and the sum of his fundamental convictions. Tell me what a man finds sexually attractive and I will tell you his entire philosophy on life. Show me the woman he sleeps with and I will tell you his valuation of himself. No matter what corruption he’s taught about the virtue of selflessness, sex is the most profoundly selfish of all acts, an act which he cannot perform for any motive but his own enjoyment–just try to think of performing it in a spirit of selfless charity!–an act which is not possible in self-abasement, only in self-exaltation, only in confidence of being desired and being worthy of desire.”

She said this far more eloquently than I could ever dream of, but the point is made; men judge other men by the women they choose for partners. And men do not usually marry a woman who has let herself go unless they have serious self esteem issues or other problems that color how they view themselves. When the woman "lets herself go", it hurts a man's pride and his perception of her value. Women minimize this by saying it is sign of a shallow man but really it is no different than a woman choosing a man based on his income or perceived power among other men, and desirability to other women.

Anyway, that is my $0.02 in reply; feel free to flame away...