The Amoeba Whisperer: "It's All Dog Training!"

[GoatGal]

OK, here's the Skinny. Gather 'round, Pardners!

GUBU has stated that he wants to find out what's "going on" with me, but doesn't want to text/email/phone.
He wants to "TALK LIVE" tomorrow.

Needless to say, I am freaked out.
He doesn't usually want to talk about anything, much less about how I AM DOING!

It may be nothing, but it may be a chance to clear the air.


Facts:

GUBU knows that I saw one of my docs on Thursday. He picked up a bunch of prescriptions for me.
He knows I am not feeling well, although I did not elaborate. I am exhausted, really to the bone.
He can see how thin I am... anyone can. I am getting too many comments on this lately.

This morning when he came, I left him a note: I just said that I needed some space and was going to rest today, so I did not see him or speak to him at all.

Also that I wasn't going to be up to doing any hard physical labor this week and I'd appreciate any additional help he could give me.
(I was going to follow that with a "let me know if you won't be available (not WHY) so I can make other arrangements." As in--Hunky Farm Boy.)
He didn't respond to this and I didn't expect him to.

This ^^^ was based on my discussion with shrink on Thursday.
Doc was:
* concerned about my overall well-being, too thin, etc
* suggested I take a break. Or a vacation!
* said I was doing too much, not taking care of myself.
* said what you all said, "Can't I get somebody to help?"
* said living alone like I am with all these animals and little human interaction is not healthy.
* wanted to start me on anti-depressants, that I don't think I need. I did leave that option open, however.
* we agreed that any "depression" I might be experiencing is situational, understandable, and perfectly normal and I am seeing him again in a few weeks to check in.

I understand that sometimes we can't see ourselves clearly, and it concerns ME that he was so concerned.
Also my blood pressure has been running really high--just anxiety and stress I guess. I never had it before, just when I got nervous about something.
Now I'm pretty much nervous a lot of the time. Cue massive weight loss!

Since not having the help I need and feeling trapped here has been something I've been wrestling with on this board, it was hard to hear him say out loud what I was thinking.
How do I say "NO" to picking up any more work without shooting myself in the foot with my R?

___________________________________

What I Want:
Irrelevant at the moment.
______________________________________

What I Need:

More help around here!

More chances to get out and GAL without paying the price in:
lack of sleep
dealing with GUBU
mess from the dogs if I deviate from their schedule
concerns about getting chores done, locking up the chickens, feeding everyone...
....THEN getting cleaned up and ready to go out.
By the time I'm ready to step out the door, I'm exhausted.

A house that is not a disaster zone.

Better safety measures in place for dealing with livestock.

More security in this house, living here alone, isolated.

Less responsibility with the animals--physical and emotional.

Better health and better sleep.

More support from and contact with others.
___________________________________________

Possible Solutions:

Letting H move back into basement with certain conditions to which he will likely not agree.

Moving into my own place and letting him have primary responsibility. It would give him a taste of what D will REALLY be like. Frankly, this is very appetizing. But I worry that in his current state he will drop the ball after a few weeks and it'll fall on my shoulders all over again.

Hiring some outside help. (Doable, but sometimes the supervision takes longer than doing it myself, but definitely an option.)

Setting things up differently so there is not so much work (automatic feeders, door closers, better safety measures.)

Working out an agreement with GUBU that he will provide more support while we are going through this

_______________________

What I will NOT ACCEPT:

Being treated as an employee who is paid to be here no matter what.

Dealing with this remodel and all that entails. The interior is unfinished and it is hardly livable. My lawyer saw pictures and was appalled. (GUBU does not seem to notice this any more.)

Being trapped in this house, doing mountains of laundry, scooping poop, feeding and medicating all these dogs on my own.

Having the dogs impact my sleep many nights. He knows this and complains about it when he's here. In the past, we'd take turns getting up. Now it's just me. It's too much.
(They bark at some animal in the woods, some old one has to go potty... someone gets sick, etc. )

Having primary responsibility for the farm animals morning, noon, and any night/day GUBU states he is not coming.

Being in an unhealthy environment physically and emotionally.

Having GUBU living under the same roof without the following conditions being met:

1. NO OTHER PEOPLE---for him or for me. No "dating" or sexting/EA/PA with others.
This would be too hard to take under the same roof and would not help my well being one bit.
That can wait until after D. Non-negotiable.

2. Both of us in ongoing therapy separately. (Otherwise, nothing will change with him.)

3. Responsible for our own share of chores, and clear on who does what.

4. Common courtesy and basic respect.

5. Privacy in my area, and he can have privacy in his.

Later on, if there was hope of R, there would have to be a transparency plan, among other things.
But for now, the above is good enough.

Thoughts???

---GGG