Just my .02. I wouldn't feel bad about the bike. Personally, I think that smacks a little of cake eating. These are exactly the type of family moments that you don't really get to do if you're divorced.
As to the hanging around for 30 minutes. I can see where that would be awkward - I would chalk it up to being a nice thing for your daughter. I wish my H would let the kids see us together for a few minutes, instead of the hot potato drop off.
raliced, I never considered the hot potato drop off. Thanks for that perspective. I needed that smack to the head in your ever-so-gentle way.
That's my point about the bike thing. If we're divorced, he'd buy her a bike for his house and I'd buy her a bike for my house, right? I don't actually know but he wouldn't be there. This is what I mean by his wanting to play family. He genuinely thinks we'll have Thanksgiving and other holidays as a family into perpetuity.
I talked to my BFF about this. Her parents were divorced when she was 12 and while it was very amicable she said it's silly to think that holidays and birthdays won't be split. Of course they will be; that's the nature of divorce and why the children suffer so much. Why is our divorce going to be so different from everyone else's and pretend to be a big happy family except live separately??!! He seems to forget that if our marriage was dysfunctional, divorce isn't going to be some HUGE expression of health! What is he thinking?!\
I apologized to him about not including him but looking back I was careful to state that I didn't just buy the bike as a back stab and that I was sorry if it came off that way so I think I did pretty good.
And we just had another record setting drop off. I don't go out to the car to meet him to force him to at least walk them in the house. He walked D6 in, hugged her goodbye and turned to leave I believe that might be a record - under 15 seconds!
So here's another perspective on the bike sitch...
Should i stay positive about anything H wants to do as a family because that's paving the road home smoothly, right? Or am I allowing him to family while we're also playing divorce?
I do think its positive that he wants to do things as a family- it means on some level he values the family. There are plenty of situation where the WAS tries to escape from the whole family. That being said - I think there is a limit to how much of that he should get to enjoy - but of course you have to balance that with your daughters needs. If she is enjoying spending time with him alone - that should be enough. If she needs you all to spend time together that is something else.
I agree with raliced. It is a good thing that he values family time, and spending time together as a family gives you an opportunity to continue to show him how committed you are to changing how you interact with him. You can show him how great things could be in the future, if he's willing to give the R another try.
You can always change your mind in the future if you find it's not working and/or he's cake-eating.
Ss, your separation is only a couple of days old so for the time being I would monitor what's going on, keep reporting here for third-party perspective, and record how you feel. When it's time for you to lay boundaries you will know.
In the meantime, work on detaching and discovering what you want your life to be like and start moving toward that.
WRT your daughter being ok with things at the moment... Is she getting more of his attention now than she did before? It sounds like it. That would explain why she's ok at the moment.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I know, I'm freaking out and acting like I've been separated for years but it has been a week. A WEEK. Oy. I need to settle down and seriously detach. It's a HUGE struggle for me. I need to act as if on that one I think. Fake it till I make it because the real thing isn't working.
D is DEFINITELY getting more of H's attention than she did before. He was more of an "in the room" dad before. And if she did something he didn't like while he was on his laptop and in the same room with her, he'd bark at her and then resume his laptop viewing. He used to be super grumpy and snappy with her and now he's Mr. Letsgotothepark or Mr. Outforicecream. I'm glad he's focusing on her because his relationship is starting to get better with her and for that I'm glad HOWEVER, why could he not be THIS dad before BD? He's very concerned about how she's handling all this separation stuff and I think that is great. I hate that THIS is what is making him tune in as a father. I know he feels guilty but that's not why he's more attentive and involved. Maybe the pain he felt about our marriage prevented him from interacting healthily with her? I'm not willing to accept that blame though. I feel like the quality of his fathering is entirely up to him, good marriage or not. Am I wrong?
You're not wrong in thinking his parenting is up to him no matter what.
But you're mind reading in thinking he couldn't be a better dad because he was with you.
He chose to leave because it was time to make changes. Whether or not he needed to make those changes entirely because of your behavior or only partially, they most likely were a catalyst for other changes that he needed to make. So he's making them.
Whatever his reasons, the healthiest thing you can do is appreciate that he IS present for your daughter because this will make it all easier for her, however things turn out.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
