The Amoeba Whisperer: "It's All Dog Training!"

[GoatGal]

I might just get one chance at this, at least to move things in a positive direction, so I need all the help I can get.

I believe he has been waiting for ME to make the first move.
(Not fair, not manly, but so it goes.)
I think this because he mentioned the basement bathroom was finally done, he'd been working on it every weekend for weeks, it was the one thing holding him back from moving into the basement, but when I just said "That's nice", he never brought it up again.

He seems to take a lot of direction from me... always has.


HISTORY of R TALKS:

After the time I caught him texting another female employee back and forth in the middle of the night in early June, he cut off my phone account from his. He lied and said she was "not an employee".
(Yes. Better for me to think that he had a new OW than he was being borderline inappropriate with another employee.)

I said that "I knew that she WAS an employee"... and he said it "was none of my business"...all that.

Of course, he could have just told the truth... but I digress...

I said it IS my business if he gets fired because we all depend on him.
He almost got fired LAST TIME because OW was a direct subordinate and he supervised her daily. At the very least, they would have split them up, possibly to other states. So yes. A BIG DEAL.

But at the end of this text war about him texting people he shouldn't be, I said something about "I can't do this anymore. I just can't."

He says--"What do you mean? Do you want to talk about this?"
And then he called me. (We hadn't been speaking much on the phone.)
I wonder if he thinks I was suicidal or something.

Definitely not, but I was ready to walk away, or sign the papers, or something.
Kind of like where I am now. Just DONE with this.
And every time I've called my lawyer, he has called his immediately, to check what I'm up to.
There's nothing I could do but SPEED UP THE DIVORCE, and I don't believe that's what he wants.

If he did want that, he could be applying pressure, which he has not. He seems content with the way things are.
He hasn't gotten his own place, or even looked at anything.

It's bizarre. IT's GUBU!
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Anyhow...sorry for the rambling...

I said I felt that he was "bullying me with the fact that he could control the phones, the bank accounts... that he treats me like an employee and it's abusive."
"It makes me feel threatened and uncared for."

He asked: "What can I do to make you feel more secure?".

* He said he didn't believe that he ever used his financial "power" against me. (Poor memory)
* He said that his lawyer has repeatedly told him to separate the finances but that he has said he doesn't want to do this to me.
(Which is one reason why "separated" is kind of a joke. I believe he'd still be here if I hadn't kicked him out! I think he was shocked that I did. How weird is that?)

Anyhow,
I totally blew it.
"How could he make me feel more secure?"

I said he "could listen to what I had to say without getting defensive, for a start, that I wanted to be able to talk about MY FEELINGS without it turning into a blow-up."

The ONE thing he is NOT willing to do is to look inward, deal with emotions or conflict. He can't handle my feelings, much less his own.
He has always been this way.

I didn't yell, I didn't criticize, I was sort of crying... and at this statement he blew up and said:
"That's not going to happen GGG. I want a Di-VORCE!"
(I guess I missed where getting a divorce means you don't have to discuss anything? Is it a pass on listening and resolving conflict?
Hardly!!!)

The "Di-VORCE!!!!!" is what he always throws up in my face when the convo takes a turn he doesn't like.

He has never said it to me or mentioned it except in anger, in a petulant teenage voice.
In other words, I have never heard it from my Husband, only from GUBU. Which to me means it doesn't count.

I responded to his "I wanna Di-VORCE!!!" with:
"That's FINE! Really. I totally agree!
I don't want to be married to a man who can't handle life and has no coping skills. I want you to be a man, to deal with this, to stop running away from things..."

And he stopped cold... as he has before. And he just listened to me talk.


*I said I believed that he only filed to beat me to the punch because he was afraid that I would,
* that his heart was never in it, (he did let it lapse until I pushed the issue) and
* that he only re-instated it because he was angry.
* that he has things he needs to deal with that have nothing to do with me, and never did.
* that I understand that he needs space, but D isn't the way to fix things, because there is no going back.
*that I have done nothing to warrant such a serious action... all that stuff.
(I had fallen off the DBing wagon at this point, I think LaBug came to my rescue that morning!!!)
He didn't even disagree.

He actually listened and validated me.
Said he'd skip coming that night because he was "afraid I'd blow up at him". (I never did get angry, only cried.)

He came up the next night but asked ahead of time if I was "OK with no contact".
I was. I preferred it.
After this I went really dark and I think things went south between us.
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I think on some level if I asked him to come home and I would just drop everything, he would come home.

Not that he would change his behavior or anything! I'm not THAT naive.

It's just that we always said this was not a "one person venture" which is why I allowed him to stay for a while, on and off after the whole OW discovery.

Because he KNOWS it's too hard.
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I wonder though--he is such a manipulator.

Maybe this was a plan to push me over the edge so I'd ask him to come back?
I can't discount that possibility.
You know, just dump more and more on me until my back finally gave out.
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Anyhow, more to come about the actual "proposed talk".

I'm getting ahead---and behind--myself all at once.

---GGG