For better or for worse, for richer or for PORES?

[Shining]

Thank you, b, I am going to figure out what it is I do want. We do neglect ourselves and forget our needs over time.

How do you all get to the core of knowing what you want? I think about it, then I get stalled.... I can't seem to get my own "needs and have-to's" out from my head and put into defined concepts....

Ats, great advice. Thank you and you are absolutely right. I don't want r talk right now. It isn't time. I do need to be ready for it. I need to get my gameplan into action. But what's the rush of a talk? Fools rush in, is the term that comes to mind.


So, update:

Woke up this morning at 7:00, and there were several text messages from H. One at 3:19am "I love being with you and there is no close second" (why is there even a "second" at all, jerk?), several more at 4:45am. "Good morning I hope you have a good day". "I really enjoyed seeing you" "I enjoy our (his name and my name) time". (This was what we used to call it in the old days, when we were in a good place.....our names together-time. H hasn't used that term since before suicide attempt in Feb.). <<<<so that's new. So is middle of the night texting...

My response was short. Ok, two responses....but it didn't cycle like before:). All I said was "Good morning, thank you." "It was great seeing you, too. I enjoyed it very much."

Then he sent a pic of the dock from where he is fishing... So I guess he really is fishing. Or not. Whatevs.

Then he sent a few updates on house showings from today. Business.

BUT, in MY DAY,

Went and worked out with my trainer this morning. I have a love/hate R with workouts.... Who doesn't. Felt awesome. My trainer knows generally my sitch, and he's the best about holding me accountable and getting my a$$ moving. Exercise is the best defense I have against my own tendency to sink into depression.

Then, D13 and I went to mall. We got her school clothes.....OH IM NOT A HUGE FAN OF AGE 13!!!! She is actually a very sweet girl, good to her mama, not at all rude or disrespectful. I have seen/worked with many a teen, and I know how icky some of them are. She isn't that....but ewwwwww. She's still 13. Soooooooo worried about what others think. So worried about what to wear to school. We need a major culture overhaul....a change to get away from all the insecurities, fear, guilt, shame.... Grrrrrr vent.

I got a couple of "interview costumes" as I call them. It's funny, in all my years, the people I've seen interview for jobs....they never wear those clothes for their daily position. Just the interview. It is just a costume. "Look at how I fit myself into an image you want me to be able to portray but once I'm here I won't have to so it's really irrelevant anyway but I'm showing you how I know the rules of the game so hire me, mmmkay?" Blech.

Did that sound bitter, jaded, perhaps? Maybe I'm going into my own MLC... What is this all for, anyway. Jobs, clothes, fears of what others think, fears of rejection.... It seems we're all wearing costumes most of the time.