Ready!!! Confuse Theeeeeeeeeeeee....(Pause)...CAT!

[beatrice]

Heather - your family continue to take up a lot of your headspace for people who are giving back remarkably little that is positive.

Now, how are you going to handle the family day at your father's and why did you get into this?

I would strongly advise that you share a lot less with your family. If more people treated their family the way they treat other people, it might help. Family seem to think they can say things that they would not dream of saying to anyone else, ask intrusive questions and proffer advice.

Please try not to get defensive, don't share too much about what is going on, and generally act detached and happy. If someone says something inappropriate, don't get riled up - DB them. 'I am sorry you feel that way'

You are there because you have chosen to be - you are a grown up and can walk away from situations. You are not a scared little child with no-one to rescue you.

If the lions get hungry open the cage door and walk away. Just knowing you have that power help.

Your sister, your father, your mother are just other people. They do not rule the life of grown up Heather. Laugh at their antics - the Ferraris, the posturing, the need to scapegoat you instead of trying to help and support you. That is about their inadequacy, not yours.

If you and your eldest daughter can be complicit in their antics it might help you both not to get angry - think of it as something to laugh about later.

As for your sister - you are still trying to placate her. She has some fantasy of a r with you which does not correspond to her current reality. Maybe she needs to adjust her ideas of reality too!

[LoisB]

Thank you Bea, that helps.

I'm going to be talking to Lil Heather a lot today. :-)

Now, how are you going to handle the family day at your father's and why did you get into this?

We bought these tickets to a pop concert for D11. She is absolutely besotted with this band. Her whole room is covered in pictures. Things have been so bleak and the concert gave her something to look forward to and divert her from other stuff.

My dad's house is halfway from my house to the concert (about 4.5 hours total). D11 is taking a friend and I like the idea of having a stopping point before driving my ol' car that far.

I'm going to use this time to observe and study...taking a tip from Goatgal. I will USE this time to see the interactions.

They say the same things Smokey does...which means I have twice the rejection and blame. I can feel it inside...the struggle...maybe they are right? Maybe?

The shame is what gets me. I was in a terrible situation financially and still am. I have a car with 200,000 miles, yadda, yadda, yadda...and I have had to ask for my dad's and my mom's help over the years time and time again, and, now...I don't know. I know it's the shame that keeps me from talking to them. That and something else. Knowing it will build when I hear the pity, disappointment, shame in THEIR voices.

To learn that my sister and D20 were talking about how my sis called and I was playing Mario with the girls and she judged...it all just hurts.

[LoisB]

I have terrible credit, no money, a MIA "co-parent," etc...

I'm scared. Without them, I have NO ONE. And, I feel like it's my fault...at least according to them. I've burned my bridges because I am not who they want/need me to be.

IF, I get the job in Watertown, how do I rent a house without their help? My credit [censored].

I'm going to get centered before I leave.

Why do I feel like I just reached the eye of the hurricane?

[Atsbaby]

Sit back and watch those interactions. Don't let them bring you down. Keep the conversations light and as was suggested, DB them. It's only a few hours, right?

Enjoy your d and her friend. Especially enjoy your concert!

[beatrice]

OK - maybe it would be good to impress on your d20 the idea of family solidarity - you and her and d11. And what is so bad about playing with your kids?

I understand that Smokey has been burning through money. Maybe you can get some of the divorce settlement up front? I assume you are in a state that splits assets? and takes out money frittered away by one partner?

I don't have anyone except my kids, and a brother. My mother, father, sister and all my aunts and uncles are dead, and they were childless, so no cousins. I get that part. Means I have had to be super careful about money. Now all my sons have finished their education and training and have jobs that is a huge pressure lifted.

Figure out how much you need to get re-started in a new job. It can't be that much surely? A reasonable car and a deposit on somewhere to live, and the first month's living expenses, and after that - well you could make it. Everyone else has to.

It isn't easy having a child with Aspergers, and a MLC spouse.

Like I said, imho they need to have this view of you to feel good about themselves.

I am sure your d20 could get a job, too which would help.

[LoisB]

Thanks Ats :-)

I can handle this!! I can. I really can. I CAN do this.

Maybe God is opening the curtain on why it IS so hard for me to trust people and open my heart to them? Maybe I'm seeing the WHY? I haven't exactly had a cheering section. I guess I just thought my sister would be able to support me unconditionally. I was wrong.

[Georgiabelle]

Heather,

Parents can be difficult, right? Sometimes I look at my own kids and wonder how they will *see* me. I don't claim to be an expert on parental relationships and I had an excellent relationship with my Dad. However, my mom is a challenge. She used to greet me with "how much do you weigh?" or when we had guests as a kid, she would pull out the scale for everyone to weigh. Sounds like more fun than some Direction.

I think one school of thought that has helped is realizing there just her. It doesn't make it easier and it doesn't make her phrases (much more here I won't post) right or appropriate, rather they are just hers. I know she loves me- she simply cannot relate to me. I don't control her thoughts or actions, only how I respond. However, I have no problem saying, "mom, the kids are going through a great deal so I don't feel it is appropriate to make d and the ss stand on the scale. I'm sure you understand that this has been stressful." You can maintain boundaries. It's tough.

As Wonka said, you don't have to accept every offer. Just because an opportunity arises doesn't mean you should take it. I do realize you are anxious for change, although I think many doors are opening for you. Keep your eyes open so you can *see* them.

[LoisB]

Bea, that's the thing. I'm not sure what happened, but in the past month...me, D20 and D11...we became a team. D20 was just hired for a second job yesterday. We are a TEAM. :-)

I know I have made some terrible financial mistakes and relied on my family a lot. They are angry about that. My dad is angry. In some ways, I get it. AND, I haven't been there for THEM. I've tried, but they don't see it because it's not in the way that matters to THEM. I've needed them and given little in return for years. But, it's because I wasn't there for ME. I was just getting by... dealing with the next "fresh hell" that came my way. I sat and listened as things changed for them and they enjoyed their lives...I know that's not their fault...

But, I know they choose to see it THEIR way...in their minds, D11 SHOULD've been in school, I should have had a job...etc...But, I guarantee that D11 wouldn't be the confident girl she is today if I had been working all this time in a "traditional" job.

[beatrice]

Exactly - you are perceived in a certain light. Change will likely make them uncomfortable.

I try and avoid 'should' - it is your decision about your daughter's welfare, and unless they step up to the plate and help out, financially or practically, then they need to back off!

Honestly I had the same issues with my brother - I wasn't the sort of person he wanted for a sister. Except now he does, and we are fine, although I am always cautious. I detached, dropped the rope, Like I said, DBing works on family too!

Enjoy the concert.

[juliegayle]

Heather. I have noticed in your posts lately that team you and your daughters have become. I was thinking the other day that it was nice the way you were all on the same page after the family dinner.

I could add a lot about parents and mothers not accepting or comfortable with their adult children's choices bit I think you have it covered. I too have noticed how the db techniques have been helpful with family.

Just wanted to let you know I have been following along. Have a great time this weekend!