No my wife doesn’t yell at others. She has a sarcastic and biting tongue when she gets angry. It makes me cringe.

She can be very unemotional. She was being bullied by someone at work for an entire year. We were at a social event and the bully arrived. The bully decided to sit at our table and then proceeded to openly shun my wife and alienate her from the people at the table. My wife graciously left the table. She was gone about 20 minutes. When she returned she asked if we could leave. My wife left without a scene while the bully continued to eye roll and mock her.

Has my wife been physically violent to me?

Once. In the winter of 2012, when my wife was being bullied she came home from work angry. She said she needed to vent and was going to throw some stuff. She said I could leave or I could stay in the room but she was going to throw some stuff. This was the only time I saw her be physically violent before June 2013.

After June 2013 my wife has slapped me across the arm twice. Pushed me once. And threw the remote control of the television set twice.

So yes. She has carried out physical attacks.

Before June 2013 we could have a civil conversation.

After June 2013 it is literally impossible. Even in “normal conversations” eventually she would ask about the status of our relationship and I would give the “wrong” answer. The next I knew she was having a screaming fit or sobbing uncontrollably—telling me I wrecked our lives.

I know I was causing her frustration but I didn’t (and still don’t) know what to do.

On May 29 I sent my wife an email telling her I would always regret leaving. It was wrong. I said things leading up to my leaving were not handled correctly by me and I did something I will regret the rest of my life.

I said I was truly sorry. I said I was sorry about how I had lashed out verbally. I hate it when it happens to me, so doing it to others is inexcusable.

I also apologized for changing the passwords on my computer. I said I was frustrated because I felt it was an invasion of privacy. I said I realized since I am married there is no such thing as privacy. I lost this perspective and it was wrong. I offered her all the passwords and the actual computer. I said she could keep the computer and have the harddrive examined for deleted stuff,

I said I was sorry I never stood up for her. I said I tried to the best of my abilities, but it is a trait I don't really have much of. I don't do a good job standing up for myself so I did a worse job standing up for her. I said she was the victim of my weakness. I said, on the flip side I was the beneficiary of her strength.

I also apologized on my lack of empathy. I said I was frustrated because I did such a terrible job of talking to her. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t get us out of the circle we kept getting into. I said I was crushed and saddened that I had hurt her and - as terrible as it sounds I was being me during the marriage and I thought that was good - but it ended up being very hurtful for her.

Finally, I said I knew I did a terrible job of recognizing my weaknesses.

The email just made her sad. She still asked me to leave.

The “Walking on Eggshells” thing: The counselor said he diagnosed her with borderline personality because she was near hysteria when he met her. This combined with her childhood (she was abandoned at 14) and my description of her mood swings and rages fit the profile.

He said he was wrong because he my wife didn’t use anger for control. He said she usually gave me the option to leave the room before she raged. He felt her hysteria was due to trauma because of the way I left. He said he originally felt her hysteria was “over the top” and “designed to manipulate” his emotions to get him “on her side” during the counseling sessions.

I did meet with my wife’s therapist. It was at my wife’s suggestion.

My wife said it was to “help her learn to communicate better with me.”

It was in March 2013. My wife made the following offer: I could meet with her therapist and speak uninterrupted for the entire hour. My wife would not speak during the session. She would sit outside of my vision so she could not influence anything I said with body language.

I thought this was a great idea so I met with her therapist. It turns out it was a set up.

At the end of the meeting the counselor suggested I had a “failed strategy” because I wanted to have a friendship instead of moving back into the bedroom. I told him friendship was my comfort level.

After meeting with her therapist my wife gave me an ultimatum: Either I fully commit to the marriage and develop a plan to move our marriage forward or move out.

I thought my email on May 29 showed my commitment but she still told me to leave.

I know it sounds like I blame my wife for everything but I am so frustrated I don’t know what to do.

According to my wife I did everything possible to sabotage our marriage the last two months. She said I dared her to go through with her ultimatum.

I swear I didn’t. You can see by the email I sent on May 29, I was trying to save my marriage.

Her response:

“You spent all year frustrated with me because I am completely and forever traumatized from the events of June 2. Yet you have no problem justifying your victim status from events that occurred prior to June 2. I understand how much I have hurt you. My God. I will be forever, painfully reminded of the pain you felt for the rest of my life. Make no mistake. You have beaten your point in me. You could not have beaten this point in me any more clearer than if you had taken your fists and pounded me until I was black and blue, and broke every bone in my body, and left as a bloody pulp on the side of the road. Your hurt and your pain will be a part of my life forever. So don't ever think that I will ever minimize it. I see your pain as big and as great as you see it. You have forced me see it as big and great as it is. It has become the biggest...grandest thing in my life. There was a time the biggest...grandest thing in my life was my marriage. But you wanted your hurt to take center stage in my life and you did everything to make sure that your hurt got the attention it deserved. Well, I want to reassure you that your hurt became bigger and grander than our marriage ever was. Because our marriage only lasted 13 years. But the memory from the consequences that I have suffered from the hurt that I caused you will last the rest of my life and the rest of your life. That makes it the most important thing to come out of our marriage. I wanted my marriage. You wanted your hurt. Your hurt won.”

So when I say I don’t know what to do---I really don’t know what to do.

I thought I changed the dynamic on May 29. And I guess I did because she told me to move out.

I came home every night. I didn’t cheat on my wife. I paid my bills. I didn’t drink. I listened to her when she talked about her problems. I even cooked dinner every night.

But I couldn’t take her yelling. I just couldn’t take it. The more she yells the more I run. Everyone says no one should live like that. Emotional abuse is wrong.

I listen to what you tell me. I really do. I feel like the biggest idiot in the world because I know I am missing something.

What am I missing? What is it everyone knows that I am missing?