Ready for some forum help

[CaliGuy]

New83

Read a little of your sitch, I am no vet ... but I do see one thing you do need to do. LRT ... above all detach. Maybe I am offbase, and I am not trying to be insensitive ... but right now you are the clingy needy H and she is not going to respond to that. Its not attractive ... Be you, a better you, GAL and get your confidence back .... I know it seems impossible .. but like in the DB book, you are in quicksand and the more you fight the faster this is all going to go badly. You have a gift here .. a positive, you have her in C atleast ... you might be able to remove some of the negative issues that were root causes for failure in your M .... and she is WAW and in a fog, hell bent on ending this thing and the more she feels you hanging on the more it justifies to her she has to get out.
Focus on you, and how you can be a better man regardless of the outcome, I am not a patient man so I can appreciate your position, your WAW is feeling trapped and if you really want her back, it has to be her idea not yours .... took me a long time to come to this and its even harder to accept.
I wish you all the luck in the world, hang in there .. you do have some small positives here .. focus on those.

[NewB3]

LRT is what I am re reading. Detach? Trying to do that and not be a cold room mate is hard. Small child at home and parenting together. GAL is easy, just need suggestions specific to my sitch with young child at home and just us. I do take him out on the weekend to spend quality time with just him. Not guilt gifting him, just playing in the park and going for a treat. I take him to the grocery and have started allowing him to hang out with dad in weekend nights after WAW goes to bed. They usually go to bed at 7pm and up at 5ish. So that is most of my GAL right now.
Trying to be friendly and say have a nice day. Maybe a pat on the back.
Thanks for pointing me back to a path caliguy

[NewB3]

DB pages in LRT.
A different approach isn't different enough....
I cook much more now, like I did when we met
I do more daily with the S3.5 ( baths/ bedtime stories / handling clothes washing)
I try to clean something everyday ( make bed / clean kitchen / spray weeds in yard)

All new stuff or what I did when we first married.

I do my 180's too.

Do I fix things in the home or let her hire a repairman? Normally I would do it myself.

Going to buy new shoes and clothes this weekend too. Have lost 27 lbs since December. Been working out in basement at night. Recently bought protein shake we used to enjoy when we first met. She has started back on them too I say nothing about that.
I have been very scarce on compliments. I have always given those, but trying to do unusual or things I did when we met. Breaking it up and staying patient. Looking for any help. Trying to keep it together and yet move forward so she feels I am not stalling. Balancing all of that and work.

[NewB3]

Mentioned on another thread maybe we can get some more eyes on it if I post about it here too. Vets please chime in I think a lot of people are having the same issue. When detaching and trying to be mysterious doing 180s it appears as though ....after it starts to cause the wife to pursue, you end up with her mirroring your actions.

[MrBond]

"When detaching and trying to be mysterious doing 180s it appears as though ....after it starts to cause the wife to pursue, you end up with her mirroring your actions."

You shouldn't "try" to be mysterious. You just detach and live your life. Detaching doesn't mean that you stop wanting the M to work out. It means you detach your emotions from the situation.

[NewB3]

What about the mirroring?
Sitting here while everyone is in bed. Looking at the settlement agreement. Part one is custody. I will work on this part first and discuss with WAW this weekend. I will work on part two for next time. I am not rushing this, but moving forward since she wants that. I figure if she keeps going to therapy, I need to help her see I am moving towards her decision.
Took S3.5 out tonight to a back to school thing. Had emailed wife earlier this week and said I wanted to take him. So, she told him at dinner that night that I was taking him. He was excited. She never mentioned going, so I took him. She could have gone, but I was not offering.
Here is something strange. Are these the little things I am supposed to notice?
So, last night, I was ready to do my story reading and he wanted mommy. So I said well, I am going to go ahead and go. She look shocked and said "where"? I told her shopping to avoid weekend crowds. Gone an hour. Had stopped by big box store for shaving supplies. This morning, she sees the bag, empty, on the counter. Receipt was where she asks me to put them, so she can enter them in....she says,"oh, you went to...?" I answered yes, on my way back home. She then asked, "what did you buy?" I felt this was odd, as she appears to not care. However, as soon as I am A. Not the first to talk, B. Do my own thing, she gets chatty and asks questions.
Today at lunch, I went shopping and bought a shirt and tie. Said nothing when I got home with S3.5. She saw the bag, I moved it to the dresser and continued on with the evening. Nothing was said. I know she looked in the bag while I was in the shower. She has made a point a few times the past few weeks to come into the bathroom when I am getting out of the shower. Tonight....I turned and caught her looking. Made me feel great. I said nothing and left the room. Bought some nice soap and aftershave lotion too.
Settling in for a long DB LRT. Looking forward to some discussions here soon. Thanks for all your help and motivation

[NewB3]

And another thing tonight. I go to run to the store...S3.5 and wife reading. I am out and decide to get gas. So my 15 minute trip was about 30. She called me as soon as I was a block away and asked where I was. Told her was almost home, stopped for gas. She was having wifi issues. Sheesh can she not wait?
Washer is on the fritz. I have a work around. She asked me earlier this week what part to order....do I fix it or tell her to hire someone? Do I paint the eaves on this house? They need it before winter. How do I play into her neediness for a repairman? Is this a positive that I can use to my advantage?

[NewB3]

Nervous this morning. We are going to talk at lunch today about the settlement. Any advice would be helpful this point. Some support would also be nice.

[NewB3]

Well I took some time to reflect since I got no posts here prior to our discussion. First thing I wanted to discuss was the most important and I was going to stop at that point I was discussing my son. Soon as we finish that we had some time and she said well let's just keep going. So I discussed every change that need to be made needed to be made I said no to certain things I agreed to others. She made it really easy. However the one thing we did not discuss was the money. I told her I would type up all the changes and give them to her intern she's going to give them to her attorney to have added into the form. I have 60 days from signing this agreement or settlement to be out of the home.
I am mediately loaded a couple of homefinding apps on the iPad and began searching. I was being quiet doing my own thing and letting her take care of our son since I had taken care of him last night up until bathtime and all morning. She looks up from the kitchen and said do you want pizza tonight. Wow I cannot believe that after such a serious discussion she's right back to happy walk away wife. I have really no clue what to do here I do know I have more time. And the best thing to do with this time. I need the vets here to really start answering some of these questions on my thread I have nothing else. Anyone?
So I held it together pretty good today but I've made sure I stayed busy since I told her I don't want to order pizza I'll just make pizza so I went to the grocery store I picked up some things for my son that he asked for I picked up the things I needed for pizza and I bought some nice flowers for the table because I liked them. While I was out I made an appointment to get a haircut so when I got home she was being kind of down and depressed and said that our son didn't want to go do anything with her and she just was going to put on a little make up and maybe go find something to do unless I had something I needed to do. Poor thing I had to tell her I had a hair appointment will be leaving any moment. So there she is left of the house with our son. Our next discussion will be money and the separation of things in the house.

[NewB3]

Better yet can I have some advice for this odd situation I'm seem to be between the settlement agreement and the actual finalization of the divorce and will be moving out in between. Do I continue L RT?
After our settlement discussion today wife said see were moving forward with this now in therapy we can work on being friends. Yeah because that's what he's got her convinced that we're doing or working on being friends in getting back to talking and enjoying each others time at the same time he's telling her that this is not sending any mixed signals that I fully understand that this relationship is over and there's no chance of reconciliation. And she believes every word of it. I think we pick the best marriage counselor for us.