We are doing ok. Wow, it was really painful. D20 and I have sorta been in shock. We keep remembering things that were said and things I've helped my mom with in the past few weeks.
It's like mom takes on the opinion of the person nearest her and most willing to participate in the "analysis" of everyone else. Analyzing other people doesn't do it for me anymore.
I had to work this morning, but the girls and I have vented some this afternoon. It's been good. We have had some "AHA!" moments where we have seen things with a fresh perspective.
I don't want to get stuck in the anger, but I DO need to change how I AM around them. I need to quit giving them all my power. I do think a move would help. Scary as he!! but maybe the way to embrace my own path and my own power. I've felt so thwarted here. I really have. I think I was given a role to play when I was small and I've felt so much pressure to BE THAT...it's not me though.
I really tried to talk to my sister yesterday. I did. I really tried to sort things out.
I guess she gave D20 some grief about not going back to school.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
I should clarify. I don't enjoy analyzing people behind their backs any longer...except Smokey...still get stuck there sometimes in an effort to sort out this whole grief thing...but, I'm not into sitting around making myself feel better by putting someone else down. I'm learning to believe that people have good intentions most of the time and they do the things they do because of the experiences they have encountered in life. I trust my sister has good reasons for feeling the way she does...however, I do not have to put myself in harm's way if it doesn't feel safe. I'm allowed to get MY needs met too...without being belittled or treated like a child.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Sorry to hijack a little but thought of you today cause I am hAving major mother issues.
My analogy regarding my mom is-
She is like the Missouri police department she brings out the heavy artillery and then wonders why people riot.
I know finding peace with my mother is the key to bringing peace to my soul but it is so so difficult. My relationship with her is so so hard. She is a totally alanonic like your mom and says all these subtle and not so subtle things to me. It really burns. She is my mother. I feeling hatred towards her - it's so not good. So not good.
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
I know finding peace with my mother is the key to bringing peace to my soul but it is so so difficult. My relationship with her is so so hard.
Feel free to hijack ALL you want. It's all good. Dig through the emotions here if you need to.
A lifetime of stuff seems to come up on this journey. I guess I'm glad I'm finally facing it.
I went to Kohl's today and told the human resources lady about this job interview I have in New York. She was really nice and helpful. I don't have to be at Kohl's again until next Saturday. AND, she said she could call Watertown Kohl's if I was interested in some part-time work a few nights a week.
I know it would be a lot to ask of myself, but my GAWD this discount could save soOOOoooo much money on decorating a new place AND CHRISTMAS!!!
With D20 taking the semester off AND her new and improved attitude, I feel so much more confident that she could pick up some of the slack with D11. I was thinking to myself that maybe I could stick it out with both jobs for 6 months to a year in order to get some Kohl's stock and use the discount...IDK. I need to get to Watertown and see what this is all about. We can go from there. For now, though, I have the Kohl's employee discount and that's nice. It's nice to have OPTIONS :-)
I was feeling good and confident sooo I sent my Sis a lil text to see if she was open to communicating. Just said that I liked Kohl's. She works retail and thought maybe she would be interested in a conversation. I received a pretty frozen response, "cool."
Kay.
I know that in their eyes...my sister's and my dad's I've burned those bridges because I don't reach out to them enough. And, I know I do that. I don't do it intentionally. It's not to hurt anyone.
I know. They feel hurt and angry because...as my sister said, "I've always had this idea of this relationship I want with you." After her cool reply today, I found myself wondering again if I have just burned those bridges...maybe they are right? Am I just a cold-hearted whatever???
On the way to Kohl's, I got angry with them and it felt so good. Even though I may not show my love for them in the way they need me to, I feel it...I try. There hasn't been a single place that I've explored moving to in recent months that I haven't measured the distance from that spot to Houston. Not a single one. And, when I look at Watertown, I think of how much my dad would love to ski there. They are always in my thoughts.
My sister has always been defensive of my dad. She has always...ALWAYS...been this champion of creating a relationship between me and my dad. Now, it's like she has taken it a step further by now BECOMING my dad. I felt like I was talking to him. She was saying the same stuff that he does. She now pursues me. It's kinda weird.
I don't know which way is up. I really don't. With all this. I'm finally doing the stuff that they have pushed me to do for years and...now, that I'm doing it...they all pretty much hate my guts. I don't get it.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Oh, and it seems that every house that suits us in Watertown is $1,500 to $1,800 per month. Our mortgage is $700. This is a hard pill to swallow...going from $700 to $1500.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Remember we all have choices when it comes to jobs. We do have the power to accept offers and decline as well. You're not necessarily trapped in this. Keep an open mind, ok?
I'm the one who got the dammm mortgage so low. I suppose I could find another deal. I'm good at that. :-)
It's all good. Just a shame my family is so weird when things are coming together. Would love to share the good stuff. I haven't talked to them because it's all been so bad. Bad news and more bad news, and even more bad news is hard to share over and over and over...it's also hard to be present to other people in THEIR lives when your own is falling apart.
I tried. They may not see that, but it's true. In my heart, I know I have had good reasons for keeping my distance. I'm sorry they don't understand.
I'm just sorry.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
I can relate about the Mom situation. Except m Mom is in another part of the Globe. But, I’m expected to call and take care of them (my Dad too) emotionally.
Heather, take care of yourself first.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
