I know finding peace with my mother is the key to bringing peace to my soul but it is so so difficult. My relationship with her is so so hard.
Feel free to hijack ALL you want. It's all good. Dig through the emotions here if you need to.
A lifetime of stuff seems to come up on this journey. I guess I'm glad I'm finally facing it.
I went to Kohl's today and told the human resources lady about this job interview I have in New York. She was really nice and helpful. I don't have to be at Kohl's again until next Saturday. AND, she said she could call Watertown Kohl's if I was interested in some part-time work a few nights a week.
I know it would be a lot to ask of myself, but my GAWD this discount could save soOOOoooo much money on decorating a new place AND CHRISTMAS!!!
With D20 taking the semester off AND her new and improved attitude, I feel so much more confident that she could pick up some of the slack with D11. I was thinking to myself that maybe I could stick it out with both jobs for 6 months to a year in order to get some Kohl's stock and use the discount...IDK. I need to get to Watertown and see what this is all about. We can go from there. For now, though, I have the Kohl's employee discount and that's nice. It's nice to have OPTIONS :-)
I was feeling good and confident sooo I sent my Sis a lil text to see if she was open to communicating. Just said that I liked Kohl's. She works retail and thought maybe she would be interested in a conversation. I received a pretty frozen response, "cool."
Kay.
I know that in their eyes...my sister's and my dad's I've burned those bridges because I don't reach out to them enough. And, I know I do that. I don't do it intentionally. It's not to hurt anyone.
I know. They feel hurt and angry because...as my sister said, "I've always had this idea of this relationship I want with you." After her cool reply today, I found myself wondering again if I have just burned those bridges...maybe they are right? Am I just a cold-hearted whatever???
On the way to Kohl's, I got angry with them and it felt so good. Even though I may not show my love for them in the way they need me to, I feel it...I try. There hasn't been a single place that I've explored moving to in recent months that I haven't measured the distance from that spot to Houston. Not a single one. And, when I look at Watertown, I think of how much my dad would love to ski there. They are always in my thoughts.
My sister has always been defensive of my dad. She has always...ALWAYS...been this champion of creating a relationship between me and my dad. Now, it's like she has taken it a step further by now BECOMING my dad. I felt like I was talking to him. She was saying the same stuff that he does. She now pursues me. It's kinda weird.
I don't know which way is up. I really don't. With all this. I'm finally doing the stuff that they have pushed me to do for years and...now, that I'm doing it...they all pretty much hate my guts. I don't get it.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
