Finding my way - part 4

[Meghan]

Maybell, in answer to your questions, we both did speak up, but I think not often enough and not clearly enough, or with not enough weight behind it. He did tell me he felt like we weren't having enough sex, but I don't recall it being talked about in terms of feelings of rejection, lack of emotional intimacy, or anything deeper. For my part, I told him I needed more financial and household support, but don't know that I ever couched it in terms of feeling like I was carrying all the weight and that it was making my stress and anxiety work.

I think we were somewhere between trying to avoid conflict and to not hurt the other person. And I think each of us did try to step up - at least to a degree - but neither of us did enough, or did it quickly enough, or fully met the other person's needs since they were probably not that well expressed in the first place. But your point about life skills and lack of confidence and self-worth does seem to be reflected in a lot of what's happened. Unfortunately, somehow he's managed to convince himself that I was so worth it to him that he's sacrificed everything and expended all his energy taking care of me, while I've done nothing for him. I think we both neglected different aspects of our marriage, though.

Ggrass, I can sympathise - this is all tied up in me wondering about the role of his online friend in all of this, too, and wondering how many of his recent changes - the ones that I'd asked for years ago - were really for her.

In my more lucid moments, I can tell myself these things. Like you said mpu, I know he seems to be depressed. And I do know this is about him more than it is about me. Raliced, I really liked your point that he felt he wasn't worth it, and I'm going to try to keep that in mind, difficult as it is. And yes, the marriage was the one thing he was in control of, and seemed to think like the only way to regain control of other things was to leave it and go back home.

I think for the first few days I was in shock and now the reality is setting in a bit more. I'm doing okay, I guess, but these last few days have been pretty rough at times. I've cried a lot, and at the drop of a hat. But I'm having a lot of really negative thoughts and going back to the places where I try to figure things out, blame myself, and generally wonder what it is that I did wrong and what I could have done better. I'm sure this will pass, and that it's a normal part of the process one week out, but it's been hard to avoid this morass of "what ifs" and "should haves".