Your post could not have come at a better time. Thank you. Your words and advice are exactly what I needed today. I will not initiate a R conversation. But I do need to stop the cake eating. I didn't know how to do it without starting the conversation, or without talking about ow. And I didn't want to dance around the truth. You are right. H needs to know this can't go on without boundaries.
I've been anxiety ridden all day, wondering what to do about this evening. I am not in a good mental place to DB. I can, and will get there before I see him. It will be a short night, at least. There are showings for the house tonight, so we will just go to dinner.
I don't show negative emotion to H, and haven't for almost 3 months. I've also noticed I don't allow myself to get very upset at all, at least outwardly, anywhere like home, work, or even driving!
However, today, I've been feeling so much anger. I'm angry when I think of H choices, how he threw us away, he broke our marriage, how this all affects my kids, I'm angry we have no house and no boat anymore, as these were things we dreamed of for our family time together and worked to achieve and enjoy. Now evaporated. I'm angry that I'm dealing with everything PLUS the stress of job hunting is making me quite frustrated. The lies. The arrogance. The lack of emotion in his eyes is hard to look at. All of it.
I wonder if all the things he is doing, that I protect myself from knowing in detail, will come to light. And I wonder if I could handle it.
Do I really want this for the rest of my life? Could I live with the facts of everything H has done and continues to do, whatever that is? Will I be a nervous wreck suffering from PTSD everywhere we go, and everything he does or says that may reference this painful time or remind me he had ow and how he destroyed everything good? I see things and places and people and I think, "hey, we used to be that way". "We used to go there". "We used to have that". And then I remember why we don't anymore. And I'm angry. Jerk.
Today is a challenge to remember how to forgive.
More GAL for me. I need it.
....and detach. More detaching. I think I've shown H enough of what he's missing. Now I need to back off, and give him the opportunity to either do so, or not.
M44, H44, both M before M4 yrs, T6 BD 7/13 ILYB something isn't right with me H att suicide 2/14 S 4/14 OW disc 5/14 D final 4/15
