Today is a very strange day because I have no responsibilities with regard to D6. It's disarming, I'll admit. I hate this separation and I hate not having my daughter all the time.
I'm frustrated today with the fact that my H seriously is not a problem solver and therefore wants out without thinking about ways to solve this issue we have and have had for years. We've had problems in the past and I've often been the one to suggestion options (MC, books, retreats, vacations, dates, etc) and he'd shoot them down. I would ask him for his input or solutions. He'd say, "I don't know. I just don't know." Had I known about DB I would have known I could have brought about change single handedly but I didn't so here I sit left behind and him not looking at any solutions.
I feel like the changes I want to make would benefit both of us and bring us closer. I feel like the changes he wants to make drives us further apart. Him doing work on himself really means that he wants to not be wishy-washy like his dad so it'll make him dig his heels in more on this divorce. I think he believes "making it work" means strong arming himself into not wanting what he wants and swallowing resentment. I wish I or someone could tell him that with the right tools, lots of practice, proper understanding of ourselves and a desire to have a beginner's mind, be open, be vulnerable and have hope can bring on a miracle.
I want to experience this miracle with him. I want to look across the table and smile knowing we're in it together. We haven't had that feeling EVER. We've not been partners; it was a continuous complaint from both of us but it's apparent we both have different ideas how to be the other's partner in the way they need. Just THAT, just knowing THAT fact is HUGE for our marriage.
I know so much of this is mindreading. I don't know what he's thinking other than he wants a divorce. Does he miss me? Is his heart opening at all?
On a separate note, what am I supposed to say when he asks how I am???? When we exchange our daughter he often asks, "how are you" and he looks right at me so it's not a question that I can respond with an errant "fine". That's his way of saying, "how are you doing with this separation?" I respond usually with, "I'm ok." in an upbeat tone. I ask him the same question and he does the same with sort of a look of surprise on his face like he never thought this would be as easy as it's turning out to be (yes, mindreading, I know).
I know. I can hear all of you saying, "Ss, detach. GAL. Take care of you."
I was supposed to go out for drinks last night wiht a friend but she had a cold and canceled so I sat at home. Today I went to yoga and meditated. We're supposed to go out tonight if my friend is feeling up for it but I doubt she is. What can I do alone on a Friday night?
On another separate note, I'm really seeing signs from the universe that it's looking out for me. Little things but little things matter a lot.
I am also on day FOUR of giving up my starbucks habit. I'm so proud of myself. I don't think I've EVER gone this long. I'm saving 310 calories and $4.95 every day. I gave up soda about 12 years ago and that was hard but giving this up is making me feel like I have a little control. This is big for me and if H ever finds out he'll be absolutely SHOCKED.
