2.5 Months After D-day...and I wait

[DBinSF]

Ok, folks... This is my first draft. Mildly pathetic and sad. But honest...

--------------------

Hi,

I’m writing today to tell you I love you, I’m sorry, and that I let you go.

I love everything about you, Julia. Your laugh, your smile, your generous heart, your amazing competence, your thoughtfulness, your comfort in who you are, your ambition, your ability to rise above it all and maintain your sense of self, your grace and compassion. I’ve never met a woman like you, and I still believe we would be ideal life partners if I had done the work I’m doing now before we had ever met.

I’m sorry for how much I have hurt you. I realize you are still angry and hurt, and you have every reason to be so. I’m also sorry for my selfish inability to let go in the months after the breakup, for my glib attempts at playfulness, and for my complete lack of respect for your requests for space and time. I also realize that I don’t get to ask anything of you anymore. Your pain is too great -- my actions too damaging.

So, that’s why finally, I want you to know that I completely and totally let you go. I let you go to find the life and love you want. I can think of no one more deserving of a healthy, nurturing family than you. I also let you go out of self-compassion. My holding on to hope has actually slowed down the pace of my growth and development as a man these last few months. And I know if there is ANY chance at friendship between us it will be after a long period of healing and growth.

At the end of the day, I know the man I am at my core is the man you fell in love with, but he’s been so afraid to come out – so afraid to let love in, as you said. I am learning to nurture and love him these days, and it’s a very purposeful endeavor. I remain “clean” in my sexual sobriety, and I dedicate my almost all of my free time to service and personal growth. It is starting to bear fruit, thankfully.

So, that’s all I wanted to say. Know that I love you and want nothing but the best for you. If you one day decide that a healthy me is what you want in your life, I would love to have that conversation. But if that curiosity never arises, I wish you love, health, and happiness wherever your path may lead. I know whoever you choose as your life partner will be the luckiest guy in the world.

And thank you again for the kind email on my birthday. It really meant a lot to me. I remain amazed by your capacity for compassion and self-awareness. You are truly one-of-a-kind in that way.

Always,
Me