Stimulus-Response: The Experiment Continues

[GoatGal]

Thanks, Matt.

Yesterday was a tough day with a lot of things coming into the forefront, none of them good.

I have been seriously sleep-deprived and I have no doubt that factored into my meltdown.

My psychiatrist (seeing him for years for ADD/Aspie stuff) sort of freaked me out, asking too many questions about what was going on.

I felt he was prying. Just one more person questioning my decisions.
After I explained it more:
"Make no major decisions for at least a year following a traumatic experience" (Like MOVING, DIVORCING, GETTING RID OF MY "KIDS"!)

He finally went----"Ah... I think I understand now."

But the energy it took to bare my soul, then defend myself, it was too much.

Add going to the grocery store and shopping for one, (sensory overload on a good day!) buying healthy stuff I always think I'll eat, (but end up throwing most of it to the chickens), the grocery store brings up bad feelings for some reason.


But the lack of sleep---
It always exacerbates my ADD stuff and Aspie stuff.
I need rest and I don't often get it.

I got some new meds from my shrink yesterday and I tried Trazedone instead of Valium at bedtime.
It is such a low dose it's hard to say yet but according to my sleep monitor, I did get some good sleep for about four hours.

That's a huge improvement.
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I just have a lot on my plate right now with GUBU, this mess of a property and remodel, the farm chores, my mother being so ill, our "Tiny Dog Hospice" (currently holding steady at 15 aging little ankle biters and three large dogs), which I am now running singlehandedly.

Throw in ADD, Asperger's and Menopause, and you've got the "Perfect Sh*t Storm!"

There is always a little one sick, dying... we used to share this burden, but GUBU's contribution is now limited to him hanging out and cuddling with them, while I get to do all the dirty work, including euthanasias, by myself.

It's not like a normal life in a normal house.
I am in the boonies... it's insane, really.
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But I usually don't focus on that because it's not productive.

I think yesterday it was just getting to me and I was really feeling dumped on.

The support and appreciation I get here means so much... I honestly can't say how well I'd be doing otherwise. I am so grateful for you all.


THIS IS SO HARD.
Yesterday I felt defeated. Today I'm more optimistic.

And for the record, I think my "Always show him a peanut in your hand" approach IS working in that he seems more connected to me.

That's all I can hope for now, just keep the lines open.
And no matter how I might rant and rave on here, I keep it restricted to this board and don't let it into the real world.
I've learned that lesson the hard way!


----GGG