For better or for worse, for richer or for PORES?

[Raine]

I kind of worry about him cake eating here. I think I'm one of the few that acknowledge stuff had been going on with OW to my H, even when he denied it, but that none of that could be going on otherwise I was filing for D/kicking him out. You have the ability to turn a blind eye and trust him on his word, but if he is caught, you can't do that anymore.

There was a major conversation that I had with my H which covers a lot of that boundary setting stuff. Below I'll layout some of the lines I used during that conversation.

Wait for your moment. Wait for him to initiate the conversation and the topic, and then you can respond. My advice is:

1 - Be honest. If you want him to be honest with you, be honest with him. Don't circle, play games, beat around the bush.

2 - Keep things short, simple, and to the point.

3 - Be confident. You are going to be fine no matter what. You are happy and will be happy no matter what. You don't need him or anyone. You will not bend on what you want or expect from a relationship. You're not a doormat.

For example, on him asking about dating, you could say, no I'm not dating and I would not date unless I was no longer married. I respect our marriage vows, our children, and you too much to do that. Besides I am not interested in the type of men who would be willing to date a married woman. My standards are too high to date someone like that.

On spending time with him, I would keep it friendly. You could even say that you're worried about things moving in a direction you're going to get hurt, because being close to him, kissing him, means something to you. So instead of circling on the already have plans, and hinting but not being straight, you can just say that you have plans to go out with friends, nothing special. Tell him that you feel it's important to be honest and that you're not hiding anything from him. When he says that it's none of his business, say that you are married to him and it is his business. That you are both adults and it's silly to feel like you need to hide things from each other. That it's important to you that you can be honest with him and that he can be honest with you, without judgement.

FWIW, my H has said, even recently he mentioned it, that what I did during our S is none of his business. He feels like he broke the marriage and that he is accountable for everything he did, even when S, even though he did not feel married. I've told him everything, even though he has said he doesn't want to know. I do not feel the same way, that I was okay to do anything I wanted. I feel like had I done anything, it pretty much nullifies his wrong, even though the marriage was broken at the time. I didn't want or chose that.