DBing after WAW then reactive EA by me...NO QUIT!

[Spacey]

I totally get what you're saying about the absurdity of the EA. Funny thing is, I wasn't pursuing it as a R, just as a friendship. It progressed past just friends because I let it fill the void left by my W. Lesson learned about slowing down, not making rash decisions, and thinking about what repercussions my actions will have.

For all intents and purposes, that's the very definition of a rebound. They occur when one is trying to fill a hole (or when their ego is bruised, or when they're feeling unattractive) following a rejection. I waited six months after my wife walked away to start dating, and I still rebounded.

People don't walk into a rebound relationship thinking "this is a rebound". They don't occur because people make snap decisions, or aren't making rash decisions, but because people are out of touch with their feelings after a rejection.

You keep blaming yourself for this EA of yours, but I haven't seen you take responsibility for it yet. You've come up with some excuses, but then you turn around and say it was inexcusable. Neither self-blame nor excuses are taking responsibility. Nor is attempting to appease your wife over issues surrounding the EA (that's a necessary thing to do in order to ease her hurt feelings, but it's still a separate thing).

Forgive yourself for the EA. Work to understand and get in touch with the underlying feelings of hurt and rejection that lead you down that path, and then forgive yourself. You cannot work toward rebuilding your wife's trust and earning her forgiveness if you haven't yet forgiven yourself.

You made a mistake. That mistake involved playing with your own feelings, and the feelings of two other people. It was a bad mistake! But we all make mistakes, and we all deserve to be forgiven our mistakes, even if only by ourselves. If you have to, have this conversation with yourself, out loud:

Joe: "Joe, I'm sorry for getting emotionally involved with OW. I was hurt, my ego was bruised, and I didn't want to confront that pain, so I let myself get distracted by OW's attention and affection. I'm sorry I neglected your feelings and your needs."

Joe: "It's OK, Joe. We all encounter negative feelings that we would rather pretend don't exist, at least every once in a while. I accept your apology, and I will work toward forgiving you."

GAL. More challenging. Trying to reconnect w/ friends, joining soccer league. It's hard because I'm not that outgoing and just the idea of trying to squeeze in more social time along w/ everything else exhausts me.

I think one of the first things you have to do in order to GAL, Joe, is to pull a 180 on how you talk about and address yourself. You're very down on yourself. "I'm not that outgoing" isn't a kind thing to say about yourself, and I highly doubt it's accurate. Being "outgoing" doesn't mean being, or even wanting to be, the life of the party. It's not being the cool kid that has all of the friends, and spends every night out on the town. If you're shy, or extremely introverted, that doesn't mean you're not outgoing. If you weren't, you wouldn't have attracted the attention of the OW, now would you? For all the damage your EA has caused you, at least try to take something positive away from the experience (in fact, try to take away or learn something positive about every experience you have in life!).

You're obviously an interesting man, Joe. You managed to attract your wife, and you managed to attract the OW. Part of being an interesting man is being outgoing! So stop trying to take that away from yourself!

Part of GAL is reconnecting with yourself. Your reason for doing so may ultimately be to become (amongst other things) more interesting and more (and therefore more attractive) in your wife's eyes, but ultimately it's a self-finding experience. This is important, because when your self-confidence has been so badly beaten down by a bad separation, by emotional or verbal abuse, or by a toxic relationship, a big part of YOU goes into retreat. It runs away and hides! It's your job now to go hunt yourself down and coax yourself back out of that cave where you've been living as a hermit. Go find Joe, and tell him that it's safe to come out now. Then take him bowling.

I'm going to echo something someone else said up thread. You sound like you're depressed. Depression makes it really, really difficult to GAL, because depression eats away at the part of your mind that says your capable of having a life. It's the voice in your head telling you that you don't have many (or any) friends. It's the voice saying that you don't have the time, that you don't have the money. You don't need the money! Do things that are cheap, or even free, if you have to! Just get out of the house. It's easy to do nothing but exist when you're sitting at home. It's a lot more difficult to nothing when you're at the mall, or the park, or the beach, or the art gallery, or the library, or the museum. Notice how, if you're feeling really introverted or tired of socializing, that none of those places require you to take other people along? Also notice that none of them preclude taking people along?

Getting out of the house will also help you fight your sadness and your funk. It's an easy first step (not that it's always easy to take that first step -- toddlers never take their first step on their first try!) toward recovery and GAL.