Even though Mr. Gritty is a MLC A$$hole right now, for almost 30 years he was a good man who lived with honor and integrity. He was a good H and a good dad. He loved me, I KNOW he loved me no matter what he says now.

I love The Old Mr. Gritty so very much. I wonder if he is really and truly dead, or if one day he'll walk through my door and tell me how sorry he is and how he'll do whatever it takes to fix what he broke.

That is my fantasy... but isn't it an expectation, too?

I can't afford a DB counselor altho I really want one, especially now; I've got a limited amount of $ and I'm budgeting it to pay my legal and financial experts.

So I am renewing my commitment to DIY DBing. I will not blubber when H and I meet. I've got to Act As If I am not devastated by this impending D. Act As If I can -- and will -- move on.

I will make myself up really nice for our next mediation appt. (Which also happens to be the anniversary of the day we promised "until death do us part"). I will be ...

Can I be confident in myself? Can I at least ACT that way?

I also worked out a statement I can use when H sends me texts like his last one. "I want to repair our marriage. If you do not, then we must resolve our finances."

I haven't sent it, still testing it in my head.

M:54, H:55
T:33, M:27
12/13 BD: EA
01/14 BD: PA, H leaves
03/14 H & OW break up
05/14 H says he will file for D
08/14 H initiates D
09/14 H wants to R
12/14 Still bungling our way through R