Not sure what to do

[MrBond]

"I'm not going to rehash our time with the first marriage counselor. But, I don't think he got it wrong. I think my wife has borderline personality disorder."

You're not the C. He has had time with both of you. Have you ever asked him WHY he didn't think so?

"I think this guy changed his mind because he got the hots for my wife."

It seems like when you disagree with someone you say something negative. That's just what I see.

"She did a lot of things outlined in the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells."

From how you handle conflict, I could say that you did alot of things in those books as well. But that doesn't make you suffer from a certain disorder.

"I am trying to change. But I don't know what to do. I honestly believe she is mentally ill. She flies into terrifying rages. This cannot be normal."

You know, your whole post was about what was wrong with your W. But you've never really described what you've done to communicate better with her. A conflict comes up, you shut down because you "know" she's going to yell. She yells because you shut down. It seems like it's the both of you.

"Before I left last June I told her she needed mental health counseling. This suggestion enraged her. Looking back I can understand why. I would say she needed mental health counseling during an argument--so it probably sounded like I was name calling."

You pretty much called her "crazy". Of course, that would make anyone upset. Seriously, have you ever thought that it was just because you two couldn't communicate correctly?

"Later I learned she had been seeing a counselor since December 2012. She hadn't told me. She said she didn't tell me because she felt I was judgmental."

And you were.

"I don’t think the counseling has helped. She is not getting better. She can’t control her tempter."

Have you ever gone to her C with her? Does she yell at anyone else? If she doesn't, then it's not a "her" problem... it's a M problem.

"Every conversation about our relationship in the last 18 months has dissolved into an argument. Every one. And it is her fault. She is the one who starts to yell. She will admit this."

This is not about her yelling. Have you ever asked her why she yells? It really does sound like frustration from her part because you don't seem to understand what she's trying to tell you and you shut down.

You're doing it now in your posts to those of us posting to you so I can see where she's coming from to a degree.

Look, the bottom line is that if you want to change the dynamic, then you're going to have to be the one to take the first step. All you do is complain about your W and her anger which you have no control over. You can only control yourself. All of your 180s, GAL, etc. don't help the basic problem you have in your relationship. You don't communicate with your W correctly. And by correctly I mean the way the SHE processes understanding.

Rather than running away or shutting down, after she "rants", just tell her that you're interested in what she has to say and are there to listen. But say it in a manner that's calm and cool and look her dead in the eyes when you say that. THAT would be a 180.