DBing after WAW then reactive EA by me...NO QUIT!

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks 25!
I'm really doing my best at the PMA thing. I get reminders from my W many times per day how it will not be good if the school thing doesn't pan out. So the stress there is real and constant, but I think I have to remain at least somewhat patient, even if she won't.


Joe, here's a brutal newsflash. You have to stay VERY PATIENT, (not "Somewhat") regardless of what SHE does. YOU are the one here trying to save the m, Not her.


I'm looking forward to IC tonight as maybe she can give me some advice on how to handle it when my W says I ruined everything.


"ruined everything"...like what? The perfect marriage?

Look Joe...you have 2 options.

1) Ask yourself if the "data" is valid. IF IT IS VALID even only in part, start undoing damage and begin repairing and or turning over a new leaf.

IOW, address the issue and then let go of it.
**

2) BUT If the data is NOT valid, then it is NOT real.

Do you pay attention to what an insane homeless man yells at you near the subway? Wouldn't you ignore him...b/c you KNOW his "data isn't real"?? If this data is not real, it's NOT A REAL PROBLEM.

I mean, "What happens if your wife"----- believes the sun is purple and revolves around the earth? My guess is, nothing....right? Maybe you give her a book on astronomy but you are not "Invested" IN her opinion about it, right?

What if she decides the "trinity" taught by some Christian denominations is NOT what she believes, but rather, she believes more of a "unified" deity theory. What then????

Do you spend A LOT of time explaining to her that the sun is mostly yellow, or that the various denominations have gone over the whole trilogy/trinity and unified deity theory - and fought wars over it ---but NOW for more part are at peace w/each other??

My guess is you don't spend much energy on issues that are not real OR have no relevance to your life. And what your wife believes about you IF IT IS NOT TRUE, cannot affect what YOU believe about you.

Make sense?

I acknowledge that I made everything a lot worse when I got involved in an EA after she dropped the bomb.

Yes, obviously. So, lesson learned.

I thought things were 100% done and that all that was left was to move on. Too bad I didn't find this site first.

Joe, let's all agree for a moment that you DID believe it was "all over".

So, did you actually believe that IMMEDIATELY PURSUING OW was...healthy of you? Or fair to any OW? Do you now see it in the same light?

Even if it were ALL a done deal with your wife, didn't the term REBOUND come into your mind a few times a day?

I don't want to belabor it but DO think it has to be made at least once and it has nothing to do with your wife...

my point --IS THAT YOU seem to think even NOW, in retrospect - that you had some sort of explanation or "good reason" to pursue OW, based on your hurt feelings & perception that your m was over (what, a week earlier??)

So to me, its as if you are saying

1) "I thought I had NO woman anymore and since

2) I HAVE to have A woman (ANY woman, really,) Right away, at all times,

3) Naturally I pursued the first one to come into my head..."& IT'S ALL B/C I THOUGHT MY M WAS OVER."

To which I'd say, "So what? You're not in a position to Give much to a woman, let alone one with kids, and speaking of kids, what about YOURS?

Aren't THEY in pain? Wanna meet their needs first?"

And that^^^ Joe, is what I'd have thought if your marriage HAD been over for at least a few MONTHS....

I now believe that BEING ALONE & BEING OKAY w/it, are the hallmarks of a mature person.

Okay, Do you get what I'm saying? I want to move on & not belabor this if you get it.

Oh well, you live and you learn. And I'm not sure her eyes would have opened w/out that situation. I actually think the thing she is most mad about, that I had the OW and her kids around our kids is what made her realize that divorce isn't so great. Mind reading I know, but it does let me be at peace some with what happened.


MIndreading a lot...to be clear --- you mean the possibility that she felt (what you hope is) jealousy, makes your ego feel better?

What if she felt repulsed by your neediness for a woman on your arm 24/7?

What if she felt betrayed by your disloyalty, and sickened by your horrid judgement in selecting OW who is so enmeshed in your family's activities that it affects present day choices? (What was the plan IF the A had become physical? Never mind...never mind let's not even go there....)

Hey, if you are going to mind read, I hope these^^ examples show you how
UN HEALTHY it can get - so don't go there. Stick with facts as you know them and clarify what you don't know, by ASKING for clarification, when needed & appropriate.

Like I said, I hope my IC can help me figure out how to diffuse that a little.


Or a lot. Yes, agreed, and we'll all cross our fingers for you! And down the road, we can address the temper you described her as having...

Yeah, my attitude is actually pretty good right now. Work is about to start soon, so that should help.

Excellent -- PMA is for you AND your family and helps the M too. Win win.


I've dedicated myself to getting up early every day to get a workout in. There are classes Monday-Thursday from 5:15-6:15 that I can go to and get back in time to get ready for work and on Friday I can "sleep in" and go for a run at more like 5:30 to 6.

I'm set to join an adult soccer league that starts in September, and I think I'm going to sign up for a 5K later in the fall.

Way to get fit! Bet it shows.

I know the only thing of those that REALLY is GAL is the soccer league because I can make friends there while the other two are just exercise.

What are 2 of your 180s? And what GAL plan can you do? So much GAL, so little time!

I can see you enjoy physical movment/sports. Anything in the languages (meet up groups can meet for lunch and just SPEAK in the other language for 2 hours...

or music---music appreciation OR an instrument?

And what about any crafts (not just pottery, but woodwork or metal work or carpentry or blacksmithing or animal husbandry>>>

Any new subject matter that interests you at all? A class?
A current events group? Book Club? Men's Support Group? Divorce support groups? Learning CPR, or about another culture?

You are in a big city or near one. LOTS of things to do.

Did I post to you my GAL list? It's not exhaustive. I lived in a place that was DARK in the winter, and the winters were long. I knew I really had to GAL or I'd be SAD.

I GAL like a maniac. And IT WORKED WONDERS! That's why I harp on it.
You really can do the same. Almost none of my GAL cost much...

Good luck!