I am the prize

[daring]

And in today's news..... H started an R talk and told me he loved me. But he still has a ways to go so I have no expectations ( and I told him so).

I was having a hard day with stuff at work that's stressing me. H just got back from traveling and hasn't found a house yet so may need to take me up on offer of S19 room. I told him I wasn't going to let him sleep in the street.
Then he said " we have a strange relationship". I said why? He said most people in our situation don't get along as well as we do. He said I know we have our issues, and that I ( as in him) am emotionally unstable right now, but this is unusual. I knew he went to IC today so I asked if that was according to his counselor or him. He said both- then told me she mentioned she only knew one other couple who was able to continue like this and get along and talk about anything. He also said he likes it .

So then there was some discussion about other stuff and I'm not even sure how we got there but he was joking about a girlfriend and I said oh- really? He then said" I just wish I was emotionally in a place to have a healthy relationship". I said understandable, but I've also decided everyone's crazy and just have to figure out how to meld your crazies and make it work. He said agreed, he just has to figure out how to get over his own hurts. Then he said " Where do you think this is going?" I said I really don't know. I've decided this is where we are at right now and I have no expectations and we will have to see. He almost seemed bothered by that response. ( mind reading- did he want me to open the door more???)
Then he said " I just want to focus on maintaining this sort of closeness and the relationship we have now. I also don't have expectations of you because I know I'm still emotionally in a place where I would hold you accountable for unfair unmet expectations". I said ok.

Then some talk about no matter what happens, blah blah blah. Though I do see a subtle shift in that us working out versus not seems to be just slightly favored in his words compared to previously.
Then he said even if you date or I date, if this doesn't work out, I think we can maintain this closeness.
I said well I disagree. He seemed surprised. I said if I get to a place where I decide to date or move on, I'm going to devote my efforts to that relationship. He processed that and said- ok that's understandable.
Then he said well I guess that could happen anytime. I said no not right now. Then he said of course it can you're beautiful. I said that doesn't matter.
He said sure- someone could try for months and keep wooing you and win your heart. I said no they couldn't- I'm not looking for anyone to fill a void. I'm ok where I'm at right now, and I make the decision whether I let anyone in.
He seemed almost a little relieved ( or maybe I'm hoping).

I thought about saying I wouldn't date b/c I'm technically still married and it's wrong ( which is true) but he wouldn't see that as being because I want him, in his depressed state he would just think I was trying to do the right thing to stick to my own values.
I also thought about saying no one could win my heart because he already has it. But he is in such a delicate place I don't want to push him away and thought that might be too much.

Then he was being flirty and suggestive and said- I also don't want to spend time with you just trying to fill a void. I want to be with you and have closeness because I want to and I'm thinking about it in the right ways. I told him I know, I've seen that change and I don't feel that he's " using" my affection in any way.

Throughout these conversations he hugged me twice in a very gentle loving manner.

I'd say this is pretty amazing progress. He is gaining lots of insight. He's trying to do right by me in how he approaches any type of relationship. For the first time in a long time he also said we have a connection/relationship outside the kids. ( he used to say he felt I wanted to be with him only because of the kids and outside of that there was no us).

Clearly he still has some processing to do but I'm encouraged.