Finding my way - part 4

[Meghan]

Jeepers, we should all get together and have a party to celebrate how much to blame we all are for everything that's wrong in our partners' lives. For the record, I'm the reason he's left his hometown, doesn't have family close by, doesn't have friends, doesn't have a job, and feels worthless. Because clearly he has no agency. It's not like he could go out and make friends. Or like he was offered two jobs two years ago that he could have taken...oh...wait...my bad. That totally happened and he turned them down.

I really appreciate the commiseration. All of the sadness of the past few days came together this afternoon. I went out to finally buy myself a new bed and bedding to go with. It was supposed to be a good, moving forward, doing something good for me kind of thing, but I wound up driving around in tears for a bunch of the afternoon.

The emotion was down to a few things. First, just feeling sad that he should have been there doing this with me, and that it would have been nice to do together and to plan out what we wanted and then enjoy it. Then, some anger and upset that we hadn't done this together, and that not doing it was at least partly related to things like not sleeping in the same bed and living on one small salary that were at least somewhat fixable.

I was also remembering that when we started dating he got new bed linens in kinds that I liked. It was sweet and caring and I miss those aspects of him. And I wondered if he was doing the same thing now for his online friend as he makes a life for himself without me. I'd forgotten until just the other day that she'll be starting college in his city soon, so they're going to be in much closer proximity, and knowing that hasn't been easy with everything that's happened recently.

I'm trying not to dwell on it and am focusing on the good stuff in my life and getting work done as much as possible. I haven't been tempted to reach out to him or to do anything other than to let myself feel what I feel and then move on from it. It feels like there's still a whole lot of grief to get through, though. There are bound to be rough days. I guess this was one of them.