I got your message on my post and just read up on yours. You are right, we do have a bit of a similiar sitch. I am not sure I am good with advice, but I can tell you what helped me in the last year. Here is my say based on my own mistakes I have made and learned from in this wonderful roller coaster of a situation:
Don't assume there is someone else or treat him as if there is someone else unless you know for a fact. Don't snoop, it can lead to false assumptions and anxiety. The truth always comes out.
Sounds like you are looking at yourself, which is great. I took the spotlight off H and put it on me and wow, did I see some needed changes. I still do things that annoy myself, but I am catching them and working on them. It's hard, oh so hard, to change direction of that spotlight, but it really helps.
I strive to be the me I really like. The me before the stress of marriage, kids, work responsibilities.... I want to look at myself and think, I would like to hang out with her. Try being that person any man would be attracted to. Upbeat, funny, mysterious and loving. I have gotten the best vibe and feedback from my H since I started being that girl again.
It looks like you are new in this, so I know it takes time to get your bearings. I totally spun out of control for a good 3 to 4 months after BD. It's been a year for me and I am just getting my feet more steady. Be patient with your self, allow yourself to feel what you are feeling, just work on the reactions. Focus on your kiddies and let them know they are safe and secure with you. I also wasn't sure if I really wanted to stand or not. Give yourself some time for the dust to settle, then you will know.
Take care of yourself and keep us posted. It really helps to vent on here!
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
