Ox- " well I refuse to live in an open marriage I am not willing to share my wife with an OM"
W- " well I am sorry I am not ready to end communication with OM and you can't make me"
Ox,
After months here, 500 posts by you, THOUSANDS of responses to you (many, many of which are saying the same things over and over) . . . it really comes down to this. ^^^
An open marriage is either a dealbreaker for you -- a Boundary of Personal Integrity -- or it isn't.
If it is, then she is violating it, and furthermore she is telling you she's going to CONTINUE to violate it. So you must end the marriage.
If it isn't, and you are willing to continue this dysfunctional dance the two of you have learned to waltz, in some vain hope that she'll "snap out of it" someday and become monogamous again ... then that's OK too (we'll all probably strongly disagree with you, perhaps even withdraw our advice, but it's your life, really -- you have to live with its consequences).
So is that really a boundary, or a "geeIwishyouwouldn't" ??
It's really that simple. Not EASY by any means . . . but very simple. Your wife has given you clarity that very, very few of us ever get on here -- ever.
The ball's now squarely in your court, brother. What are you going to do?
I have a DB Coach but this conversation with W never had really happened, I was to wrapped up in my issues to have this conversation. The folks on the thread kind of held my hand to have it...
Hunh???
I should have been clearer. What I meant was that I had not had the conversation above before I had spoke to my coach.
We just had this conversation this past weekend. It's just that I have not spoke to my coach since we had it.
Sorry If I confused anyone.
Ox
W 53 H 51, S 16, S 21 33 years M 28 DD 3 Feb 11, 2014 S21 and His Fiancée move in with us 8/14 http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...965#Post2477965
my x told me I pushed her into sleeping with her boss, I was abusive, I didnt support her, I did this and that, etc etc.
its called Making The Monster.
she remembers only the bad, ignores the good, exaggerates when necessary, rewrites history if needed to make you into The Monster. it justifies her actions. and wins sympathy from those around her. its her method of deflecting any of the responsibility.
what you remember doesnt matter.
you're busy Making The Maiden. you're doing the opposite, forgetting the bad, ignoring what you've done, what she's done, etc to the point you believe you had a wonderful M and theres no reason for her to leave.
Walk away.
this is a sale you cant close while pushing, the only hope is if you take the offer off the table. offer ends at PA.
I understand you want to save your M. and it s*cks because you cant. It sounds to me as if its gotten to the point where she'll stay in the R with OM just to prove herself.
waiting for her to end it on her own wont work. why would it? she's got the best of all worlds and after shoving her affair in your face over and over you're still there, she knows you wont go anywhere.
W- " well I am sorry I am not ready to end communication with OM and you can't make me"
she wont. and you cant. but you can end your involvement with her. and move on. its not as bad out there as you think, and its much much better than where you are now.
I realized this a while ago. ITs just that I am in a strange situation. We live in the same house we are both on the mortgage. There is nothing I can do to get her out of the house. she refuses to leave.
If I 180 her and ignore her she tells me I am hurting my Sons...
I am thinking of telling her I am done, that I will but her out of the house.
W 53 H 51, S 16, S 21 33 years M 28 DD 3 Feb 11, 2014 S21 and His Fiancée move in with us 8/14 http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...965#Post2477965
"If I 180 her and ignore her she tells me I am hurting my Sons..."
yes, if you're being openly spiteful about it then she has a point. although she's ignoring her actions and their affect on your sons.
its all about You and how you handle yourself. Keep in mind that regardless how this ends up, you have to live with your actions. you dont want to add guilt to what you have to deal with.
you can move on without ignoring her. its a delicate frame of mind. but its part of dropping the rope. you can be polite, friendly, etc and at the same time just not care. act as if she were a paying renter living in your house.
there came a point in my sitch when i realized i was done, i could not and would not put up with her affair/lies/disrepect any more. and so i made the decision that it was over. regardless if she had a change of heart, I was done.
it was only then that i was able to begin to truly move on. and while there was still plenty residual pain, it was the beginning of healing. when the divorce happened i smiled and happily signed and was glad it was done. i look at her now and dont understand why i believed she was "the one".
your mortgage situation is not strange, its probably the most common. most spouses share the mortgage. while you shouldnt "kick her out", you can live your life in a way she understands she lost you.
"I am thinking of telling her I am done, that I will but her out of the house."
I would not tell her this in words. tell her in actions. make the decision in your mind, then show it in your attitude. no need to say anything. and no need to get her out of the house, that will happen in time.
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
"If I 180 her and ignore her she tells me I am hurting my Sons..."
yes, if you're being openly spiteful about it then she has a point. although she's ignoring her actions and their affect on your sons.
its all about You and how you handle yourself. Keep in mind that regardless how this ends up, you have to live with your actions. you dont want to add guilt to what you have to deal with.
you can move on without ignoring her. its a delicate frame of mind. but its part of dropping the rope. you can be polite, friendly, etc and at the same time just not care. act as if she were a paying renter living in your house.
there came a point in my sitch when i realized i was done, i could not and would not put up with her affair/lies/disrepect any more. and so i made the decision that it was over. regardless if she had a change of heart, I was done.
it was only then that i was able to begin to truly move on. and while there was still plenty residual pain, it was the beginning of healing. when the divorce happened i smiled and happily signed and was glad it was done. i look at her now and dont understand why i believed she was "the one".
your mortgage situation is not strange, its probably the most common. most spouses share the mortgage. while you shouldnt "kick her out", you can live your life in a way she understands she lost you.
"I am thinking of telling her I am done, that I will but her out of the house."
I would not tell her this in words. tell her in actions. make the decision in your mind, then show it in your attitude. no need to say anything. and no need to get her out of the house, that will happen in time.
Thanks Ken...
This is an excellent commentary.
Her attitude and behavior the last days, actually the " wife" I remember started to show, and you know what it reminded me why I was getting ready to leave about 5 years ago!..
W 53 H 51, S 16, S 21 33 years M 28 DD 3 Feb 11, 2014 S21 and His Fiancée move in with us 8/14 http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...965#Post2477965
"it reminded me why I was getting ready to leave about 5 years ago!.."
This is key. and very very important for you to think about and own.
I would guess she sensed this, and for the years since has taken on this same feelings herself, hence the A.
and i say this because i was the same. i checked out of my M too, then partially came back, going through the motions with some improvements, but never fixed the issues.
when she dropped the bomb i was shocked - which was ridiculous - but it wasnt so much that i was surprised she did it, but it was then that i finally realized it went to the point of no return, there was no fixing it -- and i didnt want to admit this to myself.
its a tough realization, but your statement was very likely the trigger point that started this phase of the R.
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
"it reminded me why I was getting ready to leave about 5 years ago!.."
This is key. and very very important for you to think about and own.
I would guess she sensed this, and for the years since has taken on this same feelings herself, hence the A.
and i say this because i was the same. i checked out of my M too, then partially came back, going through the motions with some improvements, but never fixed the issues.
when she dropped the bomb i was shocked - which was ridiculous - but it wasnt so much that i was surprised she did it, but it was then that i finally realized it went to the point of no return, there was no fixing it -- and i didnt want to admit this to myself.
its a tough realization, but your statement was very likely the trigger point that started this phase of the R.
She claims I stopped listening to her and became verbally abusive. The real truth is that all she did was nag and complain to me. Then she invited her dad to live with us and he moved in while I was out of town. It just went on and on!
When I threatened to leave she called me and begged me not to.
W 53 H 51, S 16, S 21 33 years M 28 DD 3 Feb 11, 2014 S21 and His Fiancée move in with us 8/14 http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...965#Post2477965
