Quick to listen, Slow to speak

[imalright]

holdingon,

Good girl i don't know what else to say but you can do this! And the goals are something to work for.

hugs
Deb

[holdingon]

I really don't understand how my H can be loving and wonderful on Tuesday and Wednesday and then not say anything more... I know to analyze would just be assuming... but it is very unsettling to see MY H there, enjoy the time together, and then him say nothing. I guess I wanted him to follow up with a "I want to come home." or SOMETHING. This is so dang hard.

[love_endures4ever]

Hi Holding!!!

I was on my treadmill this morning watching the TravelChannel and it was about your town! Margueritas(spelled wrong) at a famous restaurant looked wonderful!! What a beautiful city you live in!! And there was greenery--it's like a drug to my soul!! It's still brown here as it's gets warmer and greener here, my spirits lift with the coming of spring! How poetic of me.

I guess I wanted him to follow up with a "I want to come home." or SOMETHING.

I found just letting these kinds of thoughts just pass on through helped. Yes we feel that way, WE want them to say that, but we know we can't make our S say it...it's kind of like a fantasy thought and if we think of it that way our hopes aren't dashed. Does that make sense.

Cathy

[KAW]

((( Holding )))

I know what you mean by "so dang hard"., but to keep detached you have to let go of the expectation for him to follow up two great days with SOMETHING more. Like Deb said ... "...be thankful for every great minute you have with your H!" and just let yourself soak in the moments you have together.

... and yes it dang hard to try not to project the moments into the future, but truth be told, there's no telling if there will be another one. Sorry if that sounded harsh, but in even in my sitch, sometimes it helps to keep reminding myself that if I have her affection today, there's no telling if it will be there tomorrow.

That you haven't heard from your H in the last couple of days, doesn't suprise me either. Those two days no doubt unsettled him in a way too! No doubt the time you spent exceeded his expectations too and now he doesn't know what to make of it. I'm sure there's got to be some smoke smoldering between his ears now, wondering what just happened as well. No doubt he now has more questions than answers, so now he's gonna pull back and try to figure out some of those answers. After two years, CAW & I are still doing this shuffle , so it could take a while before they come up with all the answers, but in the meantime they chances are they will come back to test the waters again ... just to see if what happened can be repeated.

so keep holdin' on ... and continue to work at being a better holdingon.

No doubt ... he liked what he saw those two days. Did you find a new car for S. In not, any chance of repeating the inquiry to keep searching?

'til later,
KAW

[sage]

Hi holding...

So...what's up? well, looks like you've had some really good times with h of late...congrats and kudos to YOU for your hard work and patience! And then...quiet from him, huh? Not too surprising, though, is it? It's SCARY for him to have good times with you, I'll bet. Don't you think?

After you guys have a good time together and he semi-retreats, what breaks the cycle? does he call? do you end up doing something together because of the kids? does he seem happy to reach out to you? sad? do you ever call him? Just wondering...not suggesting.

So..just info gathering...no real advice now other than keep on doing what you're doing because you seem to truly be living a la DB....building up your own life while interacting beautifully with your WAS.

Tell me what breaks the withdrawal and we'll go from there!

Sage

[holdingon]

TBH, I don't know that he really withdraws as that he acts as if nothing happened. He doesn't build on it like I want him to. He doesn't NOT call, but I EXPECT more to happen, I want more to happen. Yes, I know not to do that... but as you can tell, it freaks me out.

[sage]

OK -- so you're saying that it's not that he doesn't call it's that he doesn't take it to the next step?

Are you NOT seeing progress in your R or is it just not as quick as you'd like?

In other words...he DOES take it to the next step, doesn't he? It's just not right after a couple of really good days.

Is the trend generally upward?

Tell me what happens between you guys in a time like this...after a few days of very positive interactions.

Sage

[holdingon]

Sage,
Such leaps were made this past week... my H continues to call, etc. My concern is that he is content to be where he is. Just a month ago he was telling me he was happy with OW and was still talking about D. He has not said anything different. Just our interactions have been incredibly pleasant. It would be amazing to me that he does not notice... that he does not think "this is doable." I know when we were shopping and talking I got a clear message in MY head "this IS doable, Michelle was right, it CAN be done."

The interactions were so NORMAL, so US... bantering back and forth, him showing me he cared about my opinion, him sitting next to me at dinner... I guess I WANT the whole enchilada NOW which has been my problem all along, a lack of true patience.

He continues to call, I continue to be upbeat, I try to act like everything is fine how it is...

[KAW]

Hi again Holdingon,
Its a commonly shared feeling and there is nothing wrong with it!! ... and don't preceive it a "a lack of true patience" because its not! It a sense of renewed hope. What is important tho is not to act impulsively on it as you relate to H.

While they seem like "leaps", they are more like great babysteps that are resulting from the "butterfly" effect of your actions. I'm not trying to burst your bubble here, but only trying to quell your urge to play leapfrog with H. I hope you don't take offense.

The fact that they feel so "NORMAL" is great... and is a wonderful start in the shift of his attitude around you based on your changes. Now the course is to keep the contact feeling good between you so that they will begin to feel to H that they outnumber the bad interactions he remembers.

... and then watch for more babysteps.

'til later,
KAW

[imalright]

I too have to agree with KAW.

While they seem like "leaps", they are more like great babysteps that are resulting from the "butterfly" effect of your actions. I'm not trying to burst your bubble here, but only trying to quell your urge to play leapfrog with H. I hope you don't take offense.

And I don't in anyway want to burst your bubble either! But, no matter what you see keep it at zero expectations! I talk from experience. Know that they are baby steps, but don't jump or it will scare your H back into the tunnel.

Example;

We had a scared cat who wouldn't come close to us. I would spend time going out with food and talking very quietly and encourgaging to the poor thing. When it showed signs of trust, I still "acted as if" it was still scared and did the same thing. In time this cat loved me was my buddy, hated men. I think the cat was abused, frankly.

My point; we should treat our H's the same; be their friend, encourage them by thanking them and showing we appreciate their shows of kindness. Let them lead. I know we get impatient, want to hurry things along when we see impovements. But, we have to put that new thing called PATIENCE into effect! So keep doing what is working and don't push, when they are ready to move to the next level they will let us know. Do action oriented goals. But, don't scare the heck out of him.

Remember I know you well, LMAO! I also know you are like a race horse at the gate. They didn't say go yet, LOL!

hugs
Deb