Are you familiar with the theory (R.D. Laing I think (not KD!) that dysfunctional families have to scapegoat a family member? Lots of reasons - it bonds the others and takes their attention off their own problems and dysfunction. If you cease to be 'dysfunctional' then you are a threat to the stability of the family. They do not know this consicously of course - if they had any self awareness or emotional intelligence they wouldn't be doing this stuff.
Exactly! This is what I was trying to say myself. When we stop being that person, they are confused and lash out in weird ways. It's only easy for me to see this because I went through the same thing 30 years ago. And our dynamic is much, much different because I decided to act differently. Heather, it took a few rounds in therapy for me to even get this, so please don't feel bad about not knowing.
And Bea is right - you have to train yourself to walk away or hang up the phone when things start to go awry. It's not unkind. I would let them know when it happens, "What you're saying is hurtful. I've asked you to have faith that my decisions are good for my family, and until you can do that, I need some space." And then hang up or walk away. I promise you that they will evaluate it, especially if it happens more than once. They'll realize the rules have changed. I'm not saying they will change, but you will have the interactions you need to have for yourself.
Wonka, Rochester is a lot further away from Watertown than you think. And it has a higher cost of living. Watertown is laid back and affordable. It's really cute, and although it's remote from my standards (I live in suburban Denver), it's not too far to Syracuse. And they have all the amenities that I would want - hotels, easy shopping, restaurants, Target, Starbucks with all the charm of a small town. It's not too far to partake in winter sports and easy to get places on an interstate. Except for the road construction there, they drive on asphalt. They have a very collaborative relationship with the cities on the St. Lawrence Seaway and the colleges up there (there are 4 in a 10 mile radius where my D20 goes). It's progressive and they benefit from having innovation and the business those colleges bring. Two of them are private and 2 are state schools, and Watertown is the place they go when they need something they can't find at Walmart. I personally would consider living there, if I were in the market to job shop and wanted or needed to move and be closer to my daughter. I really wouldn't worry about Heather's opportunities to fit in there. Really. They even have an airport, which is served by American Airlines.
Besides, if she doesn't feel like it's a fit in the interview process, she can decline the offer, right?
At the very least, this process of considering is really good for the soul. I absolutely love when I get these chances to visualize "what if" and see if I can't make it work. It's freeing.
Good luck, Heather!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
They have a very collaborative relationship with the cities on the St. Lawrence Seaway and the colleges up there (there are 4 in a 10 mile radius where my D20 goes). It's progressive and they benefit from having innovation and the business those colleges bring. Two of them are private and 2 are state schools, and Watertown is the place they go when they need something they can't find at Walmart. 
I personally would consider living there, if I were in the market to job shop and wanted or needed to move and be closer to my daughter. I really wouldn't worry about Heather's opportunities to fit in there. Really. They even have an airport, which is served by American Airlines. 