While away, I wandered around the city where he and OW have had most of their dates. That really stunk. But I was there, at his request. And, as far as I can tell, that meant that their interactions were limited to work. Unless they were hooking up at the office during work hours, then it seems that the physical part of the relationship is not going on. Again - I have no idea, but there you are.
We also spent some time at his parent's summer home. It's a lovely place, and we've been going there for years. I would go out onto the deck to watch the water, or the sunset, or what have you. Sometimes he would find me and say, "Why aren't you with me right now?" Ah - detachment! I would invite him to join me where I was sitting. And he would often join me, or go grab his camera and take pictures of the beauty that I was absorbing. Anyway - even though we were together, I found it ok to detach by just being involved with the scenery or a book or something. I wasn't hovering. That is new behavior for me, and it felt ok.
I went to church with his parents while we were there and he did not come. While we were gone, he wrote me a note...it was a love note. One of the things that he wrote was, "You’re a much better person than I am, in general. I will continue to learn from you for the rest of my life in this and many other ways, I’m sure." I really didn't know how to respond to this note, honestly....so after I read it, I just smiled at him and gave him a hug. It did not open up a relationship conversation with me. I just don't think we're there yet.
We went to dinner with his boss the last night we were in OW's city. THAT was awkward, because boss (whom I've known for years) talked about how great OW is at her job. (Me: sit with grin plastered on my face while wanting to throw up. Was he testing me? Maybe. Gah.) But, in another conversation, boss basically told H that he doesn't spoil me enough. "You know what you need to do, MLP? You need to complain more..." he said to me. Ha...no - I'm not a complainer. But it was funny to hear H be told by someone else that he really could treat me better. He knows it.
Did some boundary setting on the trip, where he wanted to discuss the "assets" of some other women. Used to be fun. Not fun anymore. Not going to do it. Sorry, man - you broke that toy. He got very quiet. <sad trombone>
Boundary setting gets easier with practice. I still feel nauseated about it, but it does seem to get easier. My biggest problem is that it takes me so flipping long to process some conversations that I realize, "Doh! That would have been a PERFECT opportunity to set a boundary!" I'm sure more opportunities will arrive. :roll eyes:
So, current arsenal to deal with this situation: 1) Detachment...even though we live together! No more relationship talks. No more snooping. Really no reaching out to him at all...he comes to me. Guess what? He comes to me. And when he does, I'm nice and the best version of myself. I look good, I smell good, and I smile and am pleasant. He sees no tears, even though I still have them.
2) Boundaries. I set them. I have not re-established the "no extra people in our marriage" boundary that I stated again and again before just ending talking about that crazy. But - as I've stated before, I see very little evidence of that relationship right now. He doesn't seem to text or email her in front of me anymore. He has asked me to go with him on his business trips to her city. (He wants me to go on two future ones that he has planned...not really sure what to do about this. On the one hand, he needs to be a big boy and behave all by himself. On the other hand, I appreciate that he seems to be asking for help. Is he showing OW that he's really not leaving the marriage? Really flummoxed about what to do with this.)
3) Prayer. This has become a daily part of my arsenal. YMMV, but I'm finding it quite therapeutic for me.
Next up - really focusing on GAL. This will be easier when the school year starts!
