I'm not a vet although you received some fantastically wise words from Job and Wonka. My immediate thought is why are you surprised he's not showing up? And while I understand your disrespectful statement (I think that frequently), I think it's difficult to establish a boundary about him leaving you to do the chores when he isn't there? I know it's a great deal of work for you but in his mind, he has no *obligation* or *responsibility* to do those. Does that make sense?
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Why must you know the "reason" for H not showing up? He does NOT need to give you a reason. He gave you a heads up that he will not be there on Friday.
A lot of MLCers don't want to feel that they have to tell you the whys, whats, and the hows. To them, it is oppressive and restrictive of their freedom to come & go as they please.
If you would go back to several posts, H has told you that he DOESN'T owe you an explanation. He doesn't want you to be his mother that he has to give an explanation for this and that. That is his mindset at the moment.
Are you willing to die on that small ant hill, GGG?
I agree w/Wonka on this. At least he gave you a heads up that he wouldn't be there, i.e., plenty of warning. Like teenagers, they don't want to tell you things.
Step over the ant hill and move along. Let it go.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I understand what you are all saying, and I agree.
However, I still feel angry.
Him announcing he won't be here is dumping extra work ON ME.
He knows that I am alone 24/7 and that the only time I can really get out for some human interaction is Fri and Sat.
I was making plans for Fri when he gave me his announcement.
I feel taken for granted and bullied.
He doesn't have to tell me "why", although for work/medical I would cancel my plans.
I do not want to cancel my plans because he feels like having a night off.
Am I just supposed to grin and bear it while he takes advantage of me?
I just want to be asked if I am available. This is his responsibility as much as mine, yet I am the one stuck here day after day.
It is not fair and it it not OK with me.
Would it then be fine to announce to him that "I'm not going to be here Sat night, FYI", and expect HIM to drop everything to be there?
It works both ways.
I guess it's two different issues.
1. Him not being accountable to me. I understand it. It bothers me because I worry about what destructive things he might be doing. And lying to me about it. But I get it: NOT MY SIDE OF THE STREET.
2. Being TOLD that I must do HIS work because he has other plans, even when it means I have to screw up my plans to do so.
No. I am not OK with number two.
The fact is, if he gave me a reason that outweighed my social plans, I would do it in a flash to help him out.
I think he has confused my willingness to be supportive and helpful with being his personal doormat.
All I'm asking for is TO BE ASKED. Not taken for granted.
-----GGG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
If we had children and Friday and Saturday nights were his nights to be with them so I could have a life, would it be OK for him to say: "I'm not coming."? Period.
That's what this is.
And I don't think it's OK.
He thinks because he pays the bills that I am just another employee and he can tell me what to do. He acts like he's doing me a favor by "paying" for me to go out and GAL. He lets me know this.
Heck, he even said to me a few weeks back that the ONLY "excuse" I could use (to not be here to take care of everything ALONE) was if my mother was in the hospital.
Otherwise, he was just going to tell me he wasn't going to be here and I had to do what he is "paying" me for.
(He later retracted that somewhat, but this is his mindset on some days. Other days, not so much.) ---------------------------------------
You all don't see that as a form of bullying me with his control of finances? I sure do.
He need not tell me "why". For all I know, he's in a support group or something. I have no idea.
But--- He just needs to stop treating me like he's my boss and can tell me what I can and can't do. It's a matter of respect and I wouldn't tolerate it from anyone else.
Why should I take it from him? Because I'm afraid of him cutting me off financially?
Pretty much, yup.
This is now about ME, not him.
He's a whole other mess...
And the fact that he doesn't live here because of decisions he made that were harmful to me IN NO WAY NEGATES THE NEED FOR HIM TO BE HERE TO HELP WITH THESE ANIMALS.
THEY ARE HIS AS MUCH AS MINE.
I am not "obligated" to do anything more, nor even stay here. He can go it alone, as far as I care. That's an option I might use when I get well and truly fed up.
---GGG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
-Are you peeved because your Friday night plans got bombed by H's announcement that he was not coming? -What are you really angry about?! -What's bugging you?
Review of facts:
-H is in MLC -H has shown that he will not listen to reason
Goals:
-What is your goal in responding to H's text/email? -How would you go about it? -What benefit would you gain from it?
If we had children and Friday and Saturday nights were his nights to be with them so I could have a life, would it be OK for him to say: "I'm not coming."? Period.
GGG, He probably would say the same thing if you had kids. Many do, including my h. Quite frankly, he does not care if you have a life. He only cares about his own life right now. You need to carefully consider how you want to handle this. Maybe it should be settled legally. That's a tough route to take, but it may be the only option.
In order for the dynamic to change, you may have to take drastic measures. How badly do you want this situation? Do you want to be solely responsible for all of this? What if you left and started something new on your own? I'm not saying this is the right choice, but it is time to start thinking outside the box.
Don't let him get to you, GGG. He does not care right now. It probably makes him feel empowered that he can do whatever and know that you will be there to take care of all the responsibilities.
Think carefully what you want to do. You have the power to change the dynamic of the situation.
Mighty is right. If you had kids, the story would not be much different. H said to me that Friday and Saturday nights were not good for him to watch the kids and neither were the week nights. Is there an 8th day of the week I'm missing????:)
I'm with Wonka. I know you are angry. I get it. This isn't a battle that will yield *results* IMHO.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Ok GGG, let’s calm down a moment. Let’s talk about what you want here, and then the what’s the best way to go about getting it.
Quote:
I am not "obligated" to do anything more, nor even stay here. He can go it alone, as far as I care.
^^^I’m thinking this mindset is not likely to get you what you want.
Maybe try calmly explaining to H what you feel is fair for you to expect from him regarding caring for the “kids”. Ask him for what you want. Do this sooner rather than later. The longer you wait, the more he gets used to doing whatever he pleases, and the more PO’d you’ll become… causing you to eventually go off on him. Remember, timing is everything.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Wonka: "Are you peeved because your Friday night plans got bombed by H's announcement that he was not coming?" YES
"What are you really angry about?!"
This, that, and the other thing. Everything. I feel like I just have to keep rolling with the punches. It's getting really old. It will be a year next month since I found OW, 16 months since BD. I'm tired. I feel like I can't ask for anything, assert myself on anything without seeming "negative" and "pushing him away",
"What's bugging you?" Terrible sleep, ongoing. Saw a shrink today for meds to help with that. I'm too skinny, I finally gain a few pounds and then I lose it. My doc asked about my weight and I lied. It has steadily gone down... and down... A lot of it is the being up and down all night, the double labor, the stress, the trying to eat most meals alone, cooking for one... not much appetite. No big mystery. But I had to buy my second set of summer shorts last week because the ones I bought at the beginning of the summer are falling off. Literally.
He knows this too. Doesn't give a rat's ass, apparently.
I didn't do anything to deserve this, he doesn't seem to give a crap what he's done to me or what he's doing.
Yes, I know it's MLC stuff. I know it's not about me. But some days it's just TOO DAMN MUCH, you know what I mean?
Sometimes I get TIRED of STFU and GAL and PMA.
I want someone to take care of ME for a change. My friends, therapist, family, docs--they can only do so much. No wonder they want me to "move on". They've had enough! Imagine how I feel. Maybe they're right! No one wants be in the long haul with me. Certainly not GUBU.
I have you guys--<3. That means a lot but there is no one to give me a hug or anything.
And I have Dr. Phil!!! ------------------------------------- I want my husband to be someone who would look out for me instead of someone who is acting like a nut job. I am alone most of the time and him pulling this kind of thing means I can go over a week with no human contact. THAT IS A FACT. It's not healthy and it's not fair.
The fact that he couldn't care less makes it hurt more.
------------------------------------------------
My mother has been very ill for years, she lives down south. I want my brother and sister to help and THEY WON'T. They haven't. FOR YEARS. I can't just let my 86 year old mother waste away, she needs constant care and I am responsible for that. I have cut way back with what I do for her, but she's in the hospital again and although my sister knows my situation, she says she is "too ill" to see my mother and help her out right now. Where is my sister? ON VACATION IN SANTE FE!
I am going through menopause, finally had to take hormones because the hot flashes had me up all night in sweat-soaked sheets.
I am in a gutted house surrounded by sickly old dogs, no closets, it's like a refugee camp. I'm serious. WE have this farm full of animals, and I have virtually NO HELP. It is hard to get out of here, as I've said before. I have chores throughout the day, from early until late. THERE IS NEVER A BREAK and something is always happening, sickness, weather, power going out... THIS IS NOT A ONE-PERSON JOB. It was hard enough when there were two of us.
HE KNOWS THIS.
He knows that I can't turn my back on those little needy faces and walk out the door. How could I? So he's got me trapped. --------------------------------------------------- Yes. I'm ANGRY. It wasn't supposed to be like this. I was good to him and I am just feeling the weight of it all on me.
Review of facts:
-H is in MLC:
YEP. IDIOT!
-H has shown that he will not listen to reason:
DITTO. Reason? Is that like a Raisin?
Goals:
"What is your goal in responding to H's text/email?"
I have not responded. I am taking many slugs from the STFU bottle. I want to be treated with a modicum of respect. That he will ask me instead of telling me. I don't take orders, from him or anyone. He is NOT my boss. It's common courtesy. I have to draw the line there.
"How would you go about it?"
Just to say that I am more than willing to cover for him, he need not explain "why", only ask me to, not TELL me to. His social life doesn't trump mine. That it's common courtesy. I ASK him to cover for me, not just announce that I'll be gone...
MAYBE I SHOULD HAVE MY OWN MLC AND START SUBJECTING HIM TO THE SAME TREATMENT! Maybe that will snap him out of it!!! That's the first thing that's made me chuckle all day!
Does that ever happen? It might the "THE Cure"!!!!
"What benefit would you gain from it?"
Feel less used, less angry. Less chewed up and spit out. Be able to make plans without breaking them because he "feels like a night off". I mean, it's not like he does much! Send him a message that I will not tolerate certain things. I also don't want to tolerate him trying to establish other relationships while he's married, but not much I can do about that either.
THIS IS ALL DISRESPECTFUL TO ME AND NEGATES ME AS ANYONE OF ANY SIGNIFICANCE. It's insulting.
Sometimes I think he does this (announce he will be MIA) to put me in my place, as well as keep me from having "too much fun." --------------------------------------------------
Georgiabelle,
I'm sure you're right. This is not a battle I'm necessarily going to win. I'm not sure I want to fight it. But I'm struggling with that today.
I have a real problem being treated in a disrespectful manner. I wouldnt tolerate it from anyone else. It's emotionally abusive to treat your wife like this, whether or not you "consider" her your wife is irrelevant!
It makes me want to leave him with his mess and just bail on the whole thing. Let him clean up his own mess. I feel like I'm enabling him in acting like an ASSHAT. I am NOT an enabler. And booking out of here has never looked more attractive to me than it does at this very moment.
I feel like I'm being used in addition to being cheated on and dumped by the person who promised to cherish and protect me.
Yes.... I know it's all "meaningless" but it has meaning TO ME.
ForeverYoung:
"Maybe try calmly explaining to H what you feel is fair for you to expect from him regarding caring for the “kids”. Ask him for what you want. Do this sooner rather than later."
I have done this twice. So far, he knows I have nothing to back it up with. His response so far has been "unless you have to go see your mother..." he expects me to be here taking care of things. I want to shake up this misconception. Because it's not true. I do NOT have to stay here and do this one minute longer.
"The longer you wait, the more he gets used to doing whatever he pleases, and the more PO’d you’ll become… causing you to eventually go off on him. Remember, timing is everything."
Hahaha! Too late. I'm already po'd.
Every time he does this I get that way. I know he's yanking my chain. It's really the only one he can. He knows he has me trapped and he's banking on that. It's his way of exerting power and control.
On another day, I'd throw a really big porch party, have my farm boy come help me...
Today--I feel defeated. Part of it is lack of sleep, part of it is just the cycle I guess.
I'm just so over this.
Thanks for listening.
Tomorrow is another day. Today has not been good.
Sometimes I think he would have been happier if I had just died. Then he could have played the grieving widower and just imagine all the women who would be there to "comfort" him.
Lord knows what he's telling women about our sitch as it is. No doubt he has painted me as an ugly monster. Certainly OW was shocked when she met me. She was expecting Quasimodo I guess.
*sigh*
I guess I'm just venting.
I'm not going to do anything. I'm going to take some Valium and maybe sleep after I get done with all my nighttime chores.
Right now, my PMA is out the window and I think that LIFE [censored].
Why can't people just DO THE RIGHT THING, even if they don't "feel" like it? Doesn't that matter? How can someone just treat an innocent person so poorly, how can they be SO SELFISH???
That's today, anyway.
---GGG (Not feeling very flexible at the moment, unfortunately)
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
