New life below (and thank you to all of my new friends and support group I have made here. It means the world to me! You're the best!).
I just got a text about my cousin (41). He was the one on my first post who was diagnosed w cancer right before my mom was. It was a rare case, but after very intense treatments for almost a year, he was doing well. In the beginning of the summer they found spots on his lungs and he has been doing more chemo. The text said that chemo didn’t work. He is on his way to Boston to see another specialist. Perspective. Prayers.
It has been 5 weeks and 3 days since I had the second bomb drop. It was nuclear. The mushroom cloud is slowly dissipating, remains of the damage can be seen everywhere, and the devastation will linger for some time with reminders peeking out, probably for my lifetime. But clean-up has begun. Because of the experience of the first bomb, I was better able to handle the nuke. Yes, a nuke- far more devastating, but I’ve battled in war before. I am a fighter. I will pick myself up from the ruins and the survivors, my children and I, will be stronger, more united, and not fearful for the future, for “the future has a way of falling down in mid-flight” (from one of my favorite poems).
I think less often of h. However, it is still often. I cry less; however it still catches me off guard. I am looking forward to things in the future. I can see a life without him, as sad as it is.
I am not sure what to do about contact with him. I have such torn feelings. I get pi$$ed and think, “Forget him! I don’t want anything to do with him! I will never be his friend.” Then I feel bad for him and know that there is no one in the world who cares for him more than me. I know I will never allow him to treat me the way he did. I don’t want to be friends with him like this. He lied so badly to me. He chose someone else over me, his wife. He told me he does not love me. He gave that to someone else. But it is hard because it is so natural for me to be his friend and show concern. I sometimes put that before the hurt. WWWHHHHHHYYYYYY???
I think as long as he is with hww, I just can’t do it. That does not make me nasty, and I don’t plan on being mean (or having communication), that is just my boundary. Together, they have caused so much damage. They care about no one but themselves.
I don’t know what the heck he wants from me. Why does he want me to be part of his life? Or is it just guilt? Our communication since the nuke:
7/7- Bomb h (text)- I’m sorry. H (text)- I’m sorry for everything I have put you through. H (text)- Are you ok? (I don’t answer)
7/8- H calls 8AM (from work)- I don’t answer
7/9- I call h with a list of questions. He tells me some things, will not tell me who “she” is. Still lies. Was very quiet. Did not argue w me & I went off. I had some not-so-nice things to say about hww- he did not defend her. Would not tell me her name (protecting her- gross). H cried at the end- said it was “not a relieve” for our d to almost be final. Cried and had to get off phone.
7/10- I text h to get her name. He still will not tell me. Says she is irrelevant to our situation. I explain that another woman has been walking around carrying my husbnd’s baby for 4 months, I have a right to know. She MAY have a sibling to my children. Blah, blah, blah… I also say that I am not going back and forth, but I have one more thing to tell him (something I had typed and was going to email. I waited. Thank God. I never sent it.), but I just want to know who she is first. He wouldn’t “share her name.”
I was done. Things changed right then. He was no longer who I thought. He had totally checked out and committed to someone else. I finally realized it. He never had the backbone to tell me. Just push me away. I got it. I check out. I would no longer do anything for him. It was about me and my kids right then. H sent another text a few hours later- what is it you need to tell me? I ignored.
7/21- h (text) How are you? H (text) And the kids? No response
7/24- h (text) make sure you set money aside for taxes on profits. (Weird, random text)
7/25 – I mailed him documents to be filled out for changing deed over (he was probably like, how does she know the address of my new house with hww?!). This was on a Friday. H waits until Monday to respond. All his responses or communication ONLY happen from work. He must be very worried about what she will say. Insecure, much?
7/25 h (text- finally a response from mail- some really jerky response about how he is not going to happen until…. Some dumb thing…..) I responded. He wanted to go back and forth with things like, you didn’t… I was like, yes, I did in March….. I stopped as soon as I saw it going nowhere. He was looking for any type of engagement. I was not biting. Done.
7/30- I email my requests to fulfill his end of our agreement. I was very nice and to the point. (I could have sent to lawyer)
7/31 h(text…..from work!) You greedy……. I have nothing….. you got everything…… (you get the picture…..) My response was something like, haha, yes, real greedy. Let me know how you will be handling your part of the agreement. Can you say, “Good morning, Monster!”? He tried it… I disengaged. The last text he sent was, “Leave me alone.” (he said that in the 2 other texts he sent right before that)
8/13 h (text 9AM) I have not gotten info from x bank. You will be better off going through your bank. The interest is .04% lower and x bank wants to charge $150 transfer. Let me know your thoughts. I will also need to fill out a form so you don’t have to pay taxes on it again.
(I waited to respond until I was ready. I would handle it, then inform him it was done. No need to go back and forth more than necessary. Plus, I was leaving him the frick alone.)
H (text 3PM) ?????
I saw this at 4PM. I was like whatever at first. Then, for a second, I got that ping in my stomach, like, “Oh no. He is going to be mad.” He hated it when I didn’t respond to him before. He would be very insecure about this. And I hated to make him mad. So I got that sick feeling for a moment, which was weird to have… it’s been awhile. Then I was like fa-geht-abot-it!
Me-(text 5PM) The link on the website has been down all day. They are aware of it and told me to keep trying. When it is up, I will send my info.
H (text 5PM) OK
What I notice: he still reaches out. I don’t think he can go too long without contact. This has been, by far, the least amount we have ever communicated- ever. The lack of communication is very noticeable in my life, and must be in his too. It’s weird. When he reaches out, it’s usually like he is trying to be Mr. Nice. I am very distant. Very dim. Only communicate when necessary, and it is to the point. He does not respond well to this, it appears.
Does any of this matter? I don’t know. It is just weird, after 19 years. And I think I am still trying to wrap my head around it. And, I am embarrassed to say, I think I wish he would just say he made a mistake. Not that it needs to go further. Not that it will ever happen. I’m just sayin…
And that’s that. Nothing interesting. Just very different. I care less. But I still care a lot. It is weird to think about where this will go. I hate the thought of them together. It is so wrong. I can’t bear the thought of this baby. That may take on a life of its own. I just need to accept it and move on. Easier said than done, but I will get there…… maybe…… someday….. I will….. I think….. hopefully…. Someday…. Maybe…..
