Stimulus-Response: The Experiment Continues

[GoatGal]

"CUE 2 x 4s! I'm off the deep end this morning, spinning in a dive worthy of the Olympics, but actively NOT acting on it!"

Bright,

Rumbling is fine.

I woke up that way.

Telling myself a million reasons why GUBU might not be stepping off further down the tunnel by actually trying to start "dating" to find a "serious relationship' while he is actively NOT DEALING with all his issues, and then there's ME, of course.
----------------------------------

I can't wrap my head around how he can be thinking this way.
Dating sites? Viagra? WTF?
He's 63, lying about his age... his situation. It makes me sick.

Even if he wanted to be rid of me--and having a real relationship was at the core of the "problem" in the beginning---what the heck is up with trying to find a replacement for me while I'm still here?
How on earth does he think it will be any different?

He's still HIM. He still has the same problems, and as far as I can tell, has done absolutely nothing to address them.
Wherever you go--there you are! Nothing is going to change.
There IS no magic person.
And yes, I know I need to let him find that out on his own, hopefully before he makes someone sick, or brings home another nasty STD.

I can't take any more of this today.
Today I am ready to call my Lawyer and ask:
"Where do I sign to get off this sick roller-coaster?"

He continues to search OUTSIDE for solutions to problems which can only be addressed INSIDE. This frustrates me to no end!!!!!

The problem isn't ME. It hurts that he seems to think that he will solve things by being with the "right" person. Like I'm a piece of garbage; the "WRONG" person for all these years.

How can he feel that way about me? I have done NOTHING WRONG.
No deal-breakers, nothing rational.
This rejection of ME, the ME I gave completely, honestly.
Well, it cuts to the core.
Most days I can handle it pretty well, today--not so much.

Maybe there's some of that going around right now.
---------------------------------------------------

I get that deep therapy is scary, but I don't respect the cowardly approach where you just pretend that nothing is wrong and stick your head in the sand.
I see him as weak and fearful for not handling it like a man.

I don't respect him, and actively dislike him at the moment.
Yet his behavior can still hurt me, even if it's only in my imagination!

DETACH===DETACH+++DETACH****


Facing your demons is what being a man is about; doing the RIGHT thing even when you don't feel like it.

That's being an ADULT.

It's what I TRY TO DO EVERY DAY.
I don't always succeed, but it's what I aim for.
------------------------------

And I can't get past the fact that this means he plans to actively HARM other women, which is unavoidable.
He is lying to them... among other things.

He knows he can transmit the Hep C, that he has hurt the last two women he's been involved with emotionally, ruined two marriages... both of us are a shadow of our former selves.
Yet he goes on his merry way, looking for the next VICTIM with whom to play out his fantasy script.

I think he just doesn't care about ANYBODY but himself.

This is so unlike the man I knew.

It really, really worries me.

He's pretending that someone "new" who doesn't know him will "fix" what's wrong.
And it won't.

But he won't learn that until he's hurt other people, and me, even more than he already has.


I wish there was a way I could STOP THIS FROM HAPPENING, to force him to get treatment... notify people to avoid him like the plague.

There is going to be some needy, lonely fool who he will take advantage of just like he did the last one.

I realize that concerns me as much as him continuing to act like I'm just a throwaway.

It's like our M is a disposable diaper.
He filled it with poop, and when it really started to stink, he just threw it out of the car...

Just get clean one and start over, right?


(Sorry for the gross visual, but I see people do that all the time.

"Littering???"
"No..."
"Just can't have it stinking up my vehicle while I look for a trash can.")


Anyhow.

I'm not disposable, but I guess I'll find out if I'm recyclable.

----GGG


...Pissed off since I opened my eyes this morning and trying to talk myself down from hating his stupid, Amoeba guts.
The lying, cowardly, scrawny, pot-bellied, wrinkly, pathetic piece of old man that he is.
No, he's no catch right now.
But In his mind, he THINKS he is.
He is great at putting on the mask of confidence.

I just hope they can see through it and ask the right questions to weed him out...

Who would want him? Someone dumb enough to not protect herself by finding out who he REALLY is.
Someone who will fulfill his fantasies as the last one did, because she wanted him to "love her" and so basically did whatever he wanted and didn't ask for much of anything in return.
So--not like a "serious" relationship.
But he thought this was a "serious R" with the former OW!!! He was ready to throw me under the bus for it, even though later when he came to his senses he said it was "stupid".

But who would want him now?
I don't. Not like this.
But the "right" person will take anyone who gives her the attention she craves. And he will lead them to believe he has bags of money, which he doesn't.
Our bills and debt for the house are so high there is not much left over.
After divorce, he'll be lucky to keep the house...


The sad fact is, I think this is all based in the fact that he is lonely, that he is unable to get his own place, push the D through, or do anything until he knows he has SOMEONE so he won't be alone.

That's what he's waiting on. When he finds that, he will push me away even more...
I'm not the someone he wants, I'm wise to him, and he's damaged me and our M.. so anyone else will do.
After all, it's not about them, it's about what he wants and what he needs.

YES. I AM RANTING. I NEED TO GET THIS OUT TODAY.
I AM FED UP AND I'D LIKE TO PROCESS HIM INTO DOGGY CHOW RIGHT NOW.