Quick to listen, Slow to speak

[holdingon]

I am praising God... I prayed constantly the past two days... Lord, please guide my steps, words and actions. Please, Lord, don't let me screw this up. I am going to keep praying and keep reading. I have been praying that the Lord open my H's heart. I have been praying to do His will. The Lord has been with me through all of this. And, finally, I think I have given it to the Lord, and let go. I have tried to quit worrying, quit planning, quit manipulating.

My kids and I have tried to start living OUR lives... realizing we do have a life.

I went back and reread DR and the first book I ever read "Saving your Marriage Alone" by Ed Wheat which is actually a chapter in Love LIfe of Every Married Couple.

Those two books I have told you all about... Three Steps Forward and Two Back by Charles Swindoll and Shattered Dreams by Larry Crabb both made me realize that I CANNOT do anything about this situation, it is an impossible one and only the Lord can handle it. That whatever happens, it WILL be for the greater good because that is what the Lord promises.And there IS hope there.

Well, of course, I forgot to mention Vinlad... she and I had some major back and forths about the should I tell H I wanted to go or not... she has been one of my spiritual guides and prayer warriors through all of this. Thank you, thank you. Hey, Laurie, I just finished another one of Charles Swindoll's books... Esther, about the book of the Bible Esther. It was wonderful. I found the whole series of his great people of the Bible at Sams. I'm reading Paul now (and praying that my H have a Damascus road experience!)

Well, I am going to try to just get back on my DBing horse and keep on the journey. Hopefully, H will use this opportunity to travel further out of the tunnel and not creep back in. I need to stay detached, aloof and distant. I need to keep living MY life, having fun with my friends, thinking about MY future and knowing everything WILL be okay. (Even though what I really want to do is grab the man, kiss him like there is no tomorrow and throw him down on the ground...well, you fill in the rest).

Need to keep praying that the Lord will give my H the courage and strength to do the right thing. He's got some major sorting out of his life to do. Need to keep praying that he IS on the way home.

Thank you all for being there, through the bb, email and IM. You all are such wonderful friends. It is hard to believe. My REAL (nonvirtual) friends are constantly saying stuff like "is he still with OW" and "are you still in the house" and "what are your H's plans" stuff that HURTS me... and can't really be anything more than fuel for gossip. They are constantly taking the temperature of my situation, wanting to know about IT, not about ME. I'm sure it IS quite exciting to dish the dirt about my situation. But if they would consider for a moment what is coming out of their mouths, they might understand the ache that I am constantly feeling. Anyway, I do KNOW who understands what is going on, the Lord and you all.

I actually got scared yesterday... H was here so long I was wanting some time alone... and thought, yikes, what will it be like when he DOES come home??? Another chapter in this long story. What a tough road we are all traveling.

The acting as if works... the Bob Barker works. When my attitude started to wane a bit, well, so did H's. When I picked up my attitude, his followed. When I was having fun, so was he. Boy, I need to stay on my regimen of lots of prayer and LOTS OF VITAMINS... cause this is requiring a lot of STRENGTH.

Just want you all to know, I pray for you every morning. The Lord WILL work all of this out for our greater good... keep the faith in Him. Listen to Him.