MY TRAGIC WAW STORY PART III

[sandi2]

You being as unstable as your WAW.

[ItHurts]

Well what am I doing wrong then? I don't understand. Ever since she moved out of our old place May 12 I did not even once initiate contact with her, I moved on with my life, took care of myself by finding a place to live, getting a car, getting a job all in 40 days. I moved in here to my new place and still never contacted her. The one and only time I contacted her was last week when I sent her a message asking her about what I was hearing, that she tried to kill herself. I think that's a big enough thing to contact her over. Other than that, not even once did I ever contact her. So I adhered to NC, I GAL, and moved on without bothering her.

So I don't really understand why you guys think I am pursuing her. Sure I guess the two days she was here I was, but I also was fed some VERY convincing words from her. However previous to that, if she didn't contact me, there was no contact with her at all in any way.

Sure I am bit unstable now after all that happened over those two days here with her, but I am back to NC and intend to stay that way. I don't know what it is you guys think I should be doing other than what I already am. I ask here when I have notions of doing stupid things...such as asking her to the concert...but I don't go through with them.

[nit84]

IH,

What I was saying was just a reminder that you wanted to go NC. I truly believe that is what you want to do and you asking an opinion on the concert.. I was just giving you my opinion back.

I understand that it is hard, I was just looking out for you the way I hope people would back to me.

I'm not sure how I would react if I were in your shoes and that is why we are all on here to make sure we give ourselves the best chance.

Keep a PMA no matter what if you can.

[JCred]

Well what am I doing wrong then?

You allowed her to come back without her having earned it.
A few nice words in a 2 day span and you were hooked again.

You do know that some people don't know or realize what they have UNTIL they have lost it don't you?

I think she thought for a short while she was losing you, but you failed the test. She convinced you that she was serious until you convinced her that you would take her back without much effort on her part...

As Dr. Dobson says.... Most people don't make a major change with themselves UNTIL they have a crisis. You have never allowed her to feel she was really in a crisis with you...

We will know SHE is in a crisis if and when she is on this site asking how to get YOU back because she screwed up.

Just my opinion....

[sandi2]

DBing is a lot more than just NC. It is great that you don" initiate contacts! But you must stop spilling your guts to her. I know you see it as being honest, and I am not suggesting you tell her a lie......just stop spilling your insides!

You break up with lady friend b/c your W is jealous! Then you immediately wanted to invite W to go to concert, when advised not to invite her, you get into how you don't want to live alone. This is only an example of the crazy ride you have been on. (No need to rewrite/ the details again.)

Your W is playing you big time. She is not being as "honest" and spilling her guts like you are. She has you right where she wants you......hone and alone. If you don't want to see lady friend, fine, but don't stop seeing her b/c of W being jealous. You even spilled your guts about the R with lady friend to W (going slow, no kissing, etc.) So now your W knows what's inside your toolbox.....abd that your dates were nothing for her to be worried about. Do you see why this works against you? After telling her you were DBing, the only thing you had in your favor was her being jealous of you. But now she can leave and not worry that some woman may get you.

Do you see what I am trying to tell you? Nothing with you abd W will be resolved today. You should not be making serious decisions b/c y ou are too mixed up right now. Stay away from any communication with W for a while. (Like you told her.) Give you self time to calm down and feeling better.

[ItHurts]

Thanks so much nit and Sandi.
Well the lady friend and I breaking up isn't known by my WAW. I didn't tell her that so she had no idea. I didn't really break it off with my lady friend because of WAW...it was more a mutual decision between my lady friend and I. The timing of it was just a coincidence after Mr. Bond had mentioned I need to decide which girl to pursue. It wasn't because of WAW per se. Besides, as far as WAW is ocncerned, she thinks I am still seeing my lady friend. I left it with her that I would be continuing to pursue a relationship with LF and continuing to live my life with my new and improved self. WAW said that lady friend is a very lucky girl.

So WAW can't be thinking I am home and alone right now, instead she knows I go out every weekend, that I am seeing a great new girl, that I have many fun times with my old friends now, and that I have a life that doesn't include her. WAW knows I don't like to be alone and she knows I am looking for a new companion. She herself has told me (and others)that I won't be alone for long and that I will have a girlfriend quickly. So I don't think WAW is sitting at her parents thinking that I am sitting home alone pining over her. I think she is thinking that I consider the two days with her a big mistake and that I regret it...that's the impression I wanted to leave her with. That I made a mistake being with her and that I wanted to NC with her again because of her flip-flopping.

So it was kind of like damage control for me...I reversed my attitude during that last night the WAW was here to one of "I am washing my hands of this and I am done trying to talk to you. I am going on with my life and continuing to nurture my new realationship with my lady friend. Please do not contact me from now on, tell your friends not to contact me when you have an issue as well." That's how I left things with WAW. She left here with me in control. It was the only thing I thought I could do to get back into the driver's seat of this whole thing...act like my WAW and my two days/nights together were a big mistake and that I wanted her to leave. In fact I was wondering afterwards if maybe I muddied the WAW's path to home by saying that and being so stern about it but as I said it was all I could think to do to regain control over the situation. So as far as WAW knows, I am seeing the new girl still, I am happy with her, we are going to the concert Sunday, and that my social life goes on. This is why WAW said she doesn't want to lose me to another woman because even through the reconciliation talk, I always was sure to say that it would be complicated because I am not sure I want to stop seeing my lady friend. So I never really gave WAW the confidence that I would just drop my lady friend for her.

I should add it looks like lady friend will still be going to the concert with me and WAW had mentioned during those two days here getting tickets for her and her sister to go. WAW asked if it's okay if she says hi if she sees me at the show, I said yes but that you probably won't see me there, there will be thousands of people there. So if I am with lady friend when WAW sees me, that will help my cause because it was always WAW and I at these concerts.

[ItHurts]

Okay well here's an update. WAW came to the concert. In a strange turn of events my lady friend's Mom had had a heart attack about 10 days ago, well she collapsed the day of the concert and lady friend had to be with her Mom. So since it was WAW who bought the tickets before the bomb, I felt it was only right to ask her. This was literally 2 hours before I had to leave to meet friends at the arena so it was either WAW or waste a ticket and go solo. So we went.
I must say we had an absolutely wonderful night. We had lawn seats with our friends but WAW would want to go for a walk around the lawn area every 1/2 hour or so. She would grab my hand and we held hands, watched the sunset, and we even had a Super Moon that night as well. WAW alluded a few time to R and also the Florida move. She told me that I don't make her life easy with chuckle...insinuating that she is starting to wonder if she really wants this FL move.

We didn't really talk of any of that though except for about 3 minutes when she was talking about FL, I basically just told her that that's the deal breaker for me. That R will be impossible if she moves to FL. Just so that she is aware because she is sounding like she wishes I would wait for her to clear her head so we can R and she can come back. Other than that very brief exchange we didn't talk about any serious things. Instead we just enjoyed each other's company and the concert on a gorgeous night. It was truly a perfect night...it was the wife I remember.

So this was on Sunday night. Then last night she came over here again and slept over. We talked, kissed passionately, and then we went to sleep. This morning was also incident free, she sat with me in bed while I had my coffee. Then she had to leave for work and she gave me a passionate kiss, said I love you, and left. Then we just texted each other all day today about nothing specific, just random stuff, nothing serious. In fact we are still going back and forth texting as I write this although she is home at her parent's and I am here alone. We stayed up until 4 AM and had to get up at 6 this morning so we are both pretty beat tonight.

So all in all it was a light-hearted couple of days with WAW that were incident free. No conflicts of any kind, no real deep talks, more like dates I guess you would say. Where any of this leads? I don't know but I am prepared for "WAW" to return as well. However for these last two days, "WAW" was nowhere to be found and it was wonderful.

[ItHurts]

Just an update. Things going very well with WAW. "WAW" still is nowhere to be found, she's still the wife I remember. I am still treading easy of course but reconciliation is definitely weighing on her mind regarding the FL trip. It was very strange to me that lady friend's Mom happened to have a serious medical issue the day of the show, almost like fate...two hours to the concert and I call WAW, who answers my text immediately before she even know what I wanted; and we end up going together and having a fantatsically awesome time. In know WAW is torn right now, she wasn't expecting us to rekindle our passion the past couple weeks. She said "if I knew then what I know now..wow" and "you totally shocked me, I never thought my feelings could come back. I really thought they were gone forever."

Of course this all sounds well and good...but I am of the mind set now of "show me!" Show me you mean what you say. For me that means her not moving to FL. I guess I should be happy that she's even torn over this move now so much...a month ago I was probably a no-issue for her in making that decision. Not any more. So I am just stepping back, playing it cool, and letting her figure it out. In the meantime WAW still thinks I am with my lady friend, I figured keeping the threat alive can only help my cause and we do still see each other regularly.
I will keep you posted here but so far so good...no "WAW" to speak of yet...just the woman I remember as my wife.

[MrBond]

" I guess I should be happy that she's even torn over this move now so much."

No. You shouldn't be happy. I can see it's setting you up for a fall again.

[ItHurts]

You know Mr. Bond...your words have been echoing in my head throughout everything these past few days with WAW. Because of that I am taking anything she says with a grain of salt...thus my "show me" attitude. I came to realize that after all the pain I went through that first month after the bomb...there's really nothing WAW can do now that could compare to that. She could up and leave for FL tomorrow and although I would be disappointed, I wouldn't be hurt that terribly as I was. The difference is I know I can be happy without her, I have had many happy times during my long periods of NC. I love seeing my old friends so much now, I enjoy going out every weekend, I enjoy my new place, I enjoy seeing my parents and family more than I used to, I enjoy being able to flirt with ladies now instead of refraining, etc. So although I would LOVE to have WAW come back, I just don't think she could ever hurt me again to that degree. In fact, my gut feeling is she will indeed probably go through with the FL move. When I say I am happy that she's torn, I mean to say that I am happy that at least I am a factor now, that if she leaves she will leave with us on good terms. Before the past couple of weeks, she thought I was gone forever and that I swore her off. 18 years is a long time to separate and be bitter. I guess that's what I'm happy about, that there is still a lot of love between us because it would be shame if we hated each other after spending nearly half of our lives together.

So I wouldn't say I am setting myself up for a fall...instead I would say I'm preparing myself for the fall...putting on my helmet, my knee pads, and elbow pads so it doesn't hurt when it happens. I am not optimistic so I am prepared to accept it when she leaves...and that's thanks to the fact that I GAL and I have many other things I enjoy in my life now that don't include WAW.
I am just giving it one last effort to save things since she is being receptive to it all for the first time. However my expectations are that she will indeed leave and I prepared to accept that. I planned on giving up on her completely anyway once the move happened so either way, I am ready for whatever life throws at me.