Wife dropped the bomb; doing in house separation

[HopeTex]

Some general thoughts.

That sucked. But on the other hand I felt pretty calm and detached, whereas a few months ago that conversation would have really wrecked my world. I am sure I will have some waves of despair in the next day or two, but all in all I am proud of my own emotional health and how I handled the conversation. At times I got a little bit tense and defensive/agitated, but all in all stayed calm. Calmer than her.

I didn't expect 80% of the conversation to revolve around the I Am Not Moving Out (IANMO) issue. We really got stuck on that, and I feel like maybe I missed the boat there by allowing us to get into a round and round on that. My palm was just to listen and validate what she had to say, and if she made any proposals for a change in the R then I would just calmly say "Let me think about that and get back to you." But she asked it pretty directly so I just gave her the same answer I gave her two months ago, and off we went. Maybe instead of giving her that response I could have just asked her more questions about her proposal, to learn more about what she was thinking. "So you are proposing I move out. I assume we would have to negotiate a custody arrangement, what are you envisioning there? How would this work financially? Are you going back to work to help pay for these extra expenses? Are you thinking you would go to work full time, or are you planning on staying home a bunch still and having me carry the financial weight? Would we go ahead and separate our finances, as if we were D"? Anyway, the conversation went the way it did and we got stuck on the IANMO issue. She can always reopen the conversation later if she wants.

She seems to really resisting filing for D, even though two months ago she said that was what she wanted. It seems like she doesn't necessarily want D, she wants to live under separate roofs but still have the same life otherwise: same house, living same life with kids, not working full time, but with me out of house.

I am glad I didn't attack her on this, but it is pretty ballsy for her to pull the grenade pin on our M, with all the devastation that will cause for the kids, and then criticize me for not "thinking of the kids best interests" by moving out and letting her stay in the house. Wow. Really wow.

She seems to envision still spending tons of time at home every afternoon with the kids, even if we S or D. I am not sure how she figures she could do that financially, or custody-wise.

And I am not sure how she thinks she could afford to live in this house on her income, especially if she is not going to be working full-time.

Is it too much of a mind read to surmise that she expects that I would supplement her finances and allow her practically full custody so that she can stay in this house, work part-time, spend every afternoon with the kids, etc.? That scenario would also involve me living in a pretty crappy house or apartment, as I am not Daddy Warbucks.

I am not sure she really views the S as a route toward possible reconciliation. She didn't talk about that at all. Like literally nada. She didn't even lay it out as a carrot, like "Come on honey, agree to the S, maybe all we need is some time apart and then I can try to rekindle my love for you." At the extreme risk of mind reading, that does not seem anywhere in her thoughts right now.

Maybe this is the wrong perspective, but I look at her S Proposal as a dead end road that just heads to D. But I also do wonder if I am making a mistake at holding to the IANMO line.

Would love to hear from the Vets on my IANMO stance. I feel like it is an important stance in terms of standing for the M, standing up for myself, and not catering to all of her destructive whims even if I cannot control her. And I feel like my stance allows her to join in and experience more of the consequences of what she is pursuing. Finances, custody, moving out of home. And she actually has to make the decision. Instead of me moving out and making things easier on her, she actually gets to make that decision and move out, file for D, etc.

Hard to say what will happen next. Obviously lots of road ahead. Even if she files for D tomorrow, she doesn't have the $ to move out anytime soon. Unless she moves in with her folks (9 miles away). Should be pretty uncomfortable around the house tomorrow! Probably a good thing that she is taking the kids on a 5-day vacation to visit relatives in Denver starting Friday. They get back Tuesday, and then I take the kids Friday through Sunday to a watermark resort. Then the kids go back to school the Monday after.

I am still reeling a bit, not surprisingly. Although in some ways nothing much has changed. She was WAW before tonight's conversation, and still is in that space. She seemed pretty calm and cold and rational at the beginning, which is the way she typically presents. Obviously there is a lot more chaos going on under the surface, that she isn't showing. At the end of the conversation she did seem pretty flustered, frustrated and stuck.

I have to admit, after a conversation like that part of me has had enough and wants out. I guess that is the constant struggle, and the recurring question. Am I still willing to fight for this M, to put up with all of this when there is no guarantee that the M will survive? I suppose the answer is that you just do what you need to do to be happy, to be as good a husband and father as you can be, and you let the chips fall where they may.

I need to stay calm and continue DB'ing, just as before. Calm, happy, detached, GAL.

Just heard wife come back in from visiting her best friend next door, she went straight to bed.

What a ride.