H still deeeeeeeeeep replay. H still into me but also at least one ow and it is never acknowledged nor brought up. H acts and talks like I'm the only one in his life. I don't ask. Ow #1 not around as much, partly because I visit house a lot now. I sense when he's stressing to juggle texting between me and ow etc. H seems to want me but clearly not ready for r. R talks getting a bit deeper and sweeter but I can tell when it's time to switch topics or h switches topics and we lighten up H said he misses me. And other nice things. He doesn't say this in words, but it's still clear H doesn't want to lose me but he doesn't want to be married right now. H reaching out more to D13. H was always crazy about her Lots of complimenst to me tonight from H. Eyes were more real. H VERRRRRRY jealous of thought of guys looking at me. Also acting very protective and making comments about guys and me and what he is ok with and not ok with....wtf . IM NOT DATING. H very snuggly tonight. Talks a lot about the past when we were in jr high. The twisted thing is that I was "the girl" h had a crush on and he tells me fantasies he had then.... Creepy or no.....? More details later.... He's not close to being done with replay at all. I care so much for him and I can't make him stop running. I'll never stop caring. But he is a bit of a stranger and that feels weird. Then moments of intense hugs as I was leaving and feelings come back... Idk. I'm spinning and rambling nonsense.
H texted me 3 times before I got home. He said he had a great visit. I said I did too. He said he didn't want me to leave. I said I didn't want to leave. He replied, "dang". There's more but that's basically it.
Been super busy with S15 bday now S16 AND he got his DL on his bday so yay. Also D13 getting into school activities already. School shopping and JOB hunting which makes me mad. I have no energy for this stuff and I'm feeling resentful but it is what it is.
Getting some sleep then figuring out my life tomorrow.
Spinning spinning spinning..... And hopeful. Years down the road. But I'm glad we have gotten over the initial monster anger for now.
Sorry this is not very well written.... Jotting thoughts. G'night, all:).
M44, H44, both M before M4 yrs, T6 BD 7/13 ILYB something isn't right with me H att suicide 2/14 S 4/14 OW disc 5/14 D final 4/15
