Sorry you've been down in the family trenches. That's where all the muck is thickest!
Sounds like you've grown a lot, and can see your interactions with a fresh perspective. Good for you for rising above it all as best you can.
They might not like it, but on some level they've got to respect it! They're just humans; warts and all, doing the best they can with what they've got to work with at the time.
Family. Might as well love 'em, cause we're STUCK with them!
-----GGG PS: Happy to see that people came to your rescue before I got here!
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
I really don't have much advice for you, but I agree that you should go for the interview and check out the taxes in the area to see if you could fit it into a budget. And you could always transfer your Kohl's job up there too!
I used to work for them and loved the benefits! Just don't spend all of the paycheck
As for the family, I would almost use some of the db techniques on them. I know that you really want the support from them, they are family and they are supposed to be there, but I would validate them and I think it was Wonka, said to tell them you are doing your best and that you are still working out your own issues and problems.
You are a very strong woman and give great advice to others. It's always harder to see it in your own life. You will make the right decisions that you and your girls will need.
Atsbaby M:36 H:35 T: 19 M:12 S:11 D:9 BD: 5/4/14 Proof of OW 8/13/14-love note from her 8/19 admits OW 8/22/14 files D w/o telling me 9/20/14 Says he wants to reconcile
You know, it's not a boatload of money but it's considerably more than a minimum wage job at Kohls would pay. And it sounds like a job that might get you flexibility in your hours, which is great. Add in child support and alimony and maybe a little extra tutoring or writing money and I think you'll be okay.
And P.S. you're right, your family is odd, best to get to a place of independence and distance, then you can just have polite interactions on holidays.
Heather - some grat advice here. I have beenreading along and find your sister and mother's attitude at the same time unbelievable and all too credible.
Are you familiar with the theory (R.D. Laing I think (not KD!) that dysfunctional families have to scapegoat a family member? Lots of reasons - it bonds the others and takes their attention off their own problems and dysfunction. If you cease to be 'dysfunctional' then you are a threat to the stability of the family. They do not know this consicously of course - if they had any self awareness or emotional intelligence they wouldn't be doing this stuff.
They hurt you, and I am sad to say, they get some sort of buzz out of doing so, which they strenuously deny under the guise of being for your own good. Really, really? Is criticising and belittling someone a helpful course of action?
The New York job sounds good - it would get you away form your toxic mother. At a distance you can be an exemplary daughter - regular short phone calls, and to your sister.
Now for a small 2 x 4. (And I learned this from personal experience of a very very difficult r with my brother) You allow yourself to be set up for this. For example at the restaurant, you would have left, with a sweet smile and the need for an early night.
I wanted my brother's approval and love, I really did, and I set myself up for so much unkind treatment. Until I changed the rules, not by saying anything at all, but acting differently. We had almost no contact for years, and then he started pursuing me. When he did, I was different, I had changed, and when he occasionally tries his old routines they go right over me. I honestly think we are both happier for the changed relationship.
I thought there was something wrong with me because we didn't get along, and this was a belief that my otherwise very kind and loving parents fostered. The only thing that was 'wrong' was my need for his approval and his use of that need to be unkind, dismissive etc. I suspect he would say that the reason we now 'get along' is because I have changed!
Heather, you need distance and space from these people. They are controlling and problematic. They have cast you into a role which they need, and want you to remain there.
There is nothing intrinsically wrong with you, but the need for the approval of the 'lions' who are trying to eat you isn't doing you much good (to use your own analogy)
Wow. Thank you everyone. So much. Not sure what I would do without these boards.
I'm getting back to MY Truth. And God's. Apparently, it's a bit different from theirs!
Bea, Thank you soooooo much for supporting my getting up and leaving the dinner...in the future. That's who I am now. I'm someone who cares for others, but I don't compromise myself FOR THEM anymore.
If you can't see my value, then you aren't looking deeply enough.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
We don't fit anymore. This experience has changed us, changed our expectations of other people...We aren't raging co-dependents anymore and this means we stick out like a sore thumb in our family.
^^^this^^^
Thank you for that. Your insight is brilliant.
Just getting caught up with your sitch now.... I hope you find exactly what you need in your job hunting. I'm there, too . It stinks!
Are you familiar with the theory (R.D. Laing I think (not KD!) that dysfunctional families have to scapegoat a family member? Lots of reasons - it bonds the others and takes their attention off their own problems and dysfunction. If you cease to be 'dysfunctional' then you are a threat to the stability of the family. They do not know this consicously of course - if they had any self awareness or emotional intelligence they wouldn't be doing this stuff.
Exactly! This is what I was trying to say myself. When we stop being that person, they are confused and lash out in weird ways. It's only easy for me to see this because I went through the same thing 30 years ago. And our dynamic is much, much different because I decided to act differently. Heather, it took a few rounds in therapy for me to even get this, so please don't feel bad about not knowing.
And Bea is right - you have to train yourself to walk away or hang up the phone when things start to go awry. It's not unkind. I would let them know when it happens, "What you're saying is hurtful. I've asked you to have faith that my decisions are good for my family, and until you can do that, I need some space." And then hang up or walk away. I promise you that they will evaluate it, especially if it happens more than once. They'll realize the rules have changed. I'm not saying they will change, but you will have the interactions you need to have for yourself.
Wonka, Rochester is a lot further away from Watertown than you think. And it has a higher cost of living. Watertown is laid back and affordable. It's really cute, and although it's remote from my standards (I live in suburban Denver), it's not too far to Syracuse. And they have all the amenities that I would want - hotels, easy shopping, restaurants, Target, Starbucks with all the charm of a small town. It's not too far to partake in winter sports and easy to get places on an interstate. Except for the road construction there, they drive on asphalt. They have a very collaborative relationship with the cities on the St. Lawrence Seaway and the colleges up there (there are 4 in a 10 mile radius where my D20 goes). It's progressive and they benefit from having innovation and the business those colleges bring. Two of them are private and 2 are state schools, and Watertown is the place they go when they need something they can't find at Walmart. I personally would consider living there, if I were in the market to job shop and wanted or needed to move and be closer to my daughter. I really wouldn't worry about Heather's opportunities to fit in there. Really. They even have an airport, which is served by American Airlines.
Besides, if she doesn't feel like it's a fit in the interview process, she can decline the offer, right?
At the very least, this process of considering is really good for the soul. I absolutely love when I get these chances to visualize "what if" and see if I can't make it work. It's freeing.
Good luck, Heather!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
They have a very collaborative relationship with the cities on the St. Lawrence Seaway and the colleges up there (there are 4 in a 10 mile radius where my D20 goes). It's progressive and they benefit from having innovation and the business those colleges bring. Two of them are private and 2 are state schools, and Watertown is the place they go when they need something they can't find at Walmart. 
I personally would consider living there, if I were in the market to job shop and wanted or needed to move and be closer to my daughter. I really wouldn't worry about Heather's opportunities to fit in there. Really. They even have an airport, which is served by American Airlines.