1st post. Long but please read, help!

[Zues126]

Thanks Bond. Yes, I've read the books. DR twice, working through DB again. Sometimes though I misinterpret or get off track.

As for pool, you're right on. There's room for it as long as it comes behind my parental priorities. I met with my IC today, talked a good bit on how I can better connect with my S10 who has a unique personality himself. Seeing the kids tomorrow and looking forward to it.

Guys, all I can say is that if the WAW can go a little crazy sometimes, so can the LBS. I am looking back over the last week and have been in despair, manipulative, detached, and now tonight very weak/needy again. My thoughts are all over the place and I both want to make it all better right now (which is impossible and would never work with me like I am) and move on so I can stop hurting/fast forward to my next R where I can make it all better again (which again wouldn't work if I give up, cut bait, medicate, and avoid the work/growth I need).

All this tells me is that I'm very unstable right now. If my emotions were a broken leg that needed to heal I'm not ready to put weight on it right now. That helps me keep the perspective I need to be patient. I'm two months in and going two more years is scary. Time to go for a walk, take deep breaths, let go of my thoughts, open my heart to what the universe needs me to hear, and be appreciative for the love all around me here and now.

This reminds me of something I learned once from pool. I was about to play a big tournament, bigger than I'd ever played before. I remember feeling very out of balance emotionally, not prepared at all for a focused performance. After a lot of soul searching I realized: Searching desperately for balance is about as far from balance as you can get...while accepting being out of balance is actually pretty close to being balanced after all. Somehow it clicked inside me and I went on to have my (at the time) biggest tournament win. Let's see if I can do that when the stakes are even higher

Thank you all!