2.5 Months After D-day...and I wait

[GoatGal]

Wow.

Sorry to just jump in here but somehow I've missed this thread.

So many things you said, DB, sound like my H.

I hope you don't mind if I pick your brain a bit as we go along.

---GGG

[DBinSF]

Haha. Well, I've been engaged to two women. The first one we were engaged twice.

And as for my parents...they didn't kiss, hug, adore, or fawn for as long as I've known them. They are more affectionate now as retirees, but growing up they either screamed at each other or didn't talk to each other. I grew up in an abusive, alcoholic home. My behavior as an adult is classic Adult Child of an Alcoholic stuff.

And I see a very good therapist to talk all this stuff out. I'm not entirely comfortable getting "group psycho-analyzed" here unless people are sharing their own experiences and not just analyzing mine...if you know what I mean.

[DBinSF]

Pick away GGG.

[Wonka]

DB,

And as for my parents...they didn't kiss, hug, adore, or fawn for as long as I've known them. They are more affectionate now as retirees, but growing up they either screamed at each other or didn't talk to each other. I grew up in an abusive, alcoholic home. My behavior as an adult is classic Adult Child of an Alcoholic stuff.

And I see a very good therapist to talk all this stuff out. I'm not entirely comfortable getting "group psycho-analyzed" here unless people are sharing their own experiences and not just analyzing mine...if you know what I mean.

We are not trying to "pschoanalyze" you. Rather, we are trying to be supportive to you by asking you some questions that we hope to lead you toward more self-awareness and how it impacts your relationship with your W...especially women in general.

I suspect that the discomfort you're feeling right now is that we are pretty close to the truth here and you want to deflect it away from you. If we don't ask the "right" questions, how can we help you become a better man that has the potential to be a sold husband material?

It does not mean that we are disrespecting you at all. We hope that you've take this to heart and bring those questions/issues to your IC. Not it only benefits YOU but your future R too (whether it is with your current W or some other future wife).

[DBinSF]

That makes sense. I hope you find I'm answering questions honestly. And I'm pretty clear that a lot of this is grounded in OLD issues from my family, abuse, and emotional neglect. How to resolve all that as a 39 yo man is a different story.

Right now, I rely on therapy, 12 Step, and meditation.

[MrBond]

"I'm not entirely comfortable getting "group psycho-analyzed" here unless people are sharing their own experiences and not just analyzing mine"

We don't "psycho-analyze" you. Many of us have seen situations like yours and just try to give you the best advice possible based on what worked for others. If you don't want to do that, then we can't help you.

[DBinSF]

Thanks, Bond. I appreciate all the help I can get. I guess I get a little resistant when the hard questions come up.

[GoatGal]

And I asked to pick your brain because my H has similar issues to yours, a discomfort with getting too close, separating sex from emotion...

You can read my thread to get a better idea.

I think he handled it pretty well during our marriage, but recently all his coping mechanisms fell apart, start of MLC, he has to run away now.

He appears to be looking for someone to be "serious" with who is not actually a real relationship because that's too much intimacy.

It's like "pretend" serious. All the warm fuzzies seem to be in place because it's not a sustainable relationship based on honesty, openness, and real emotional intimacy.

Now I''m just rambling... but I wanted to get back to you before I forgot...

---GGG
PS: Oh, and plenty of juicy soul-bearing on my thread, for what it's worth!

[DBinSF]

Thanks for sharing, GGG. It's always interesting to learn about this from the W's perspective.

So, I'm getting to the point where I want to start thinking about the hand-written apology note. I've read that 30 days since last contact is a good time frame, and it's been 35 days since the last time I proactively reached out to her. (yes, I wrote her a 35 word response to her birthday message 12 days ago). I know you're all going to say STFU! But part of me wants to reach out just to have closure on my end, if nothing else.

I'm come to realize that this affair and rupture may have SAVED MY LIFE. The passing of Robin Williams scared the hell out of me. I've had suicidal thoughts a few times in the last five years, and they've never been stronger than this summer. The thing is, I think I would have gotten more and more depressed and withdrawn as the years went on if I'd stayed in the R without seeking some serious help. So, what this affair and break has done is FORCED me to deal in a way I never have before. Never have I gone to therapy 2x a week. Never have I pushed forward with ZERO coping mechanisms (aside from your support, and my 12-step program). Never have I eschewed all contact with women for (GASP!) 3 months so I could connect with myself and learn to take care of myself and stand on my own two feet. This is all HUGE.

I firmly believe that without this AWFUL PAIN of facing my own despicable behavior, I never would have had the willingness to change. I never would have gotten serious about manning-up, getting help, getting honest, and freeing myself of my addictive cycles. Today, in fact, was the FIRST TIME in close to 3 months that I've found another woman on the street even mildly attractive. And I was able to resist the temptation to stare and fantasize. I know that sounds like nothing, but that's actually huge for me.

So now, part of me wants to release her and let her know that as much as I'd love for our paths to cross again at some time in the future (I really do think she's my ideal life partner and mother of my children), I know and I accept that this break HAD TO HAPPEN for me to get healthy. I also want to take the opportunity to apologize for all the pain I caused in my betrayal, and all the selfish pleading post-break-up that only picked at the scab for months. I want her to be free and to heal. Obviously, I still (selfishly) want her to choose to come back to me at some point, but we will never get to that point if she doesn't heal and know that I'm focusing on myself to heal.

I'm still really afraid what the future holds for me. I'm nearly 40, single, broke, renting an apartment in the most expensive city in the world, and working part time as a marketing consultant. I'm not exactly a "life partner magnet." Part of me wants her back so badly because she was the only great woman who was forgiving (blind?) enough to overlook all my deficiencies and still love me for all my gifts. Maybe part of the reason I sabotaged it was because I was afraid she'd wake up one day and realize that all of my charms weren't worth the headache of dealing with a man who still doesn't know who he want to be when he grows up.

Ok, this is turning into a rant. The main question is: Would you guys work with me on an apology letter of last resort (or whatever you call it) that I can handwrite and leave for her some time during the last week of the month when all of our friends are out of town at a festival?

-DB

[Maybell]

Please wait a minimum of the remaining 18 days before you write that note.

I've developed an odd little fondness for you, DB. I'm rooting for you to get healthy. So if you won't do it for yourself, consider waiting for all the people here who want to see you make something great of yourself. Put your compulsion to contact aside and really work on yourself. Lean on that new realization about her place in your life and do the work. I can't think of a better tribute to Robin Williams than to take his passing as inspiration to care for yourself.