2.5 Months After D-day...and I wait

[DBinSF]

Thanks for sharing, GGG. It's always interesting to learn about this from the W's perspective.

So, I'm getting to the point where I want to start thinking about the hand-written apology note. I've read that 30 days since last contact is a good time frame, and it's been 35 days since the last time I proactively reached out to her. (yes, I wrote her a 35 word response to her birthday message 12 days ago). I know you're all going to say STFU! But part of me wants to reach out just to have closure on my end, if nothing else.

I'm come to realize that this affair and rupture may have SAVED MY LIFE. The passing of Robin Williams scared the hell out of me. I've had suicidal thoughts a few times in the last five years, and they've never been stronger than this summer. The thing is, I think I would have gotten more and more depressed and withdrawn as the years went on if I'd stayed in the R without seeking some serious help. So, what this affair and break has done is FORCED me to deal in a way I never have before. Never have I gone to therapy 2x a week. Never have I pushed forward with ZERO coping mechanisms (aside from your support, and my 12-step program). Never have I eschewed all contact with women for (GASP!) 3 months so I could connect with myself and learn to take care of myself and stand on my own two feet. This is all HUGE.

I firmly believe that without this AWFUL PAIN of facing my own despicable behavior, I never would have had the willingness to change. I never would have gotten serious about manning-up, getting help, getting honest, and freeing myself of my addictive cycles. Today, in fact, was the FIRST TIME in close to 3 months that I've found another woman on the street even mildly attractive. And I was able to resist the temptation to stare and fantasize. I know that sounds like nothing, but that's actually huge for me.

So now, part of me wants to release her and let her know that as much as I'd love for our paths to cross again at some time in the future (I really do think she's my ideal life partner and mother of my children), I know and I accept that this break HAD TO HAPPEN for me to get healthy. I also want to take the opportunity to apologize for all the pain I caused in my betrayal, and all the selfish pleading post-break-up that only picked at the scab for months. I want her to be free and to heal. Obviously, I still (selfishly) want her to choose to come back to me at some point, but we will never get to that point if she doesn't heal and know that I'm focusing on myself to heal.

I'm still really afraid what the future holds for me. I'm nearly 40, single, broke, renting an apartment in the most expensive city in the world, and working part time as a marketing consultant. I'm not exactly a "life partner magnet." Part of me wants her back so badly because she was the only great woman who was forgiving (blind?) enough to overlook all my deficiencies and still love me for all my gifts. Maybe part of the reason I sabotaged it was because I was afraid she'd wake up one day and realize that all of my charms weren't worth the headache of dealing with a man who still doesn't know who he want to be when he grows up.

Ok, this is turning into a rant. The main question is: Would you guys work with me on an apology letter of last resort (or whatever you call it) that I can handwrite and leave for her some time during the last week of the month when all of our friends are out of town at a festival?

-DB