Knowing that Smokey and his family blame me for the situation is bad enough...but, to have MY family blame me...and, they do. They really do.
They don't understand the decisions I've made or make. In their eyes, I should have handled things differently. That's a hard pill to swallow. And, I know I haven't been the best sister or aunt...life with Smokey was always tumultuous...but, I always felt judged and felt I needed to protect myself. IDK.
I've been a good daughter though. I know mom has been stressed by all this and I'm sorry for that. But, I didn't deserve that today. I've been a good daughter in a bad situation which I'm trying to fix. And, to attack me now, right when things are beginning to turn around...That's hard.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Part of me wonders if I am all the things they said?? Am I crazy? Am I unkind? Am I lazy? Etc...
Nope, Nope, Nope.....and Nope.
Heather, take a deep breath. This too shall pass.
I am sorry you are so hurt right now. There is a chance that your mom and sis just want to help. They may be frustrated and just want you to do things the way they would. It sounds like they have a strong opinion of how they think things should be. We learn through our experience to see things with eyes wide open. We learn 180s, to do things differently, to put ourselves first, to go against the grain. That can be very difficult for others' to understand. It can particularly difficult for friends and family who think we should be doing things a certain way, or their way, or a way we used to.
There is a chance, Heather, that they feel insecure with who you are becoming. You aren't the same woman they knew, and change can be difficult for some. You are independent, you are doing things on your own, making important decisions, being a single mom, possibly moving away. These are huge! They may not know how to handle that. There is a chance that maybe they, particularly your mom, who is struggling with her own relationship sitch, feels badly about themselves because you are making changes to be better. It seems like your mom may still be caught up in the cycle, not knowing how to move forward.
Unfortunately, it can be human nature to knock those of which we are envious. Maybe they aren't envious, maybe they are, but I do think there is a good chance that they just don't understand, because it is not the "norm" for them. They may do things differently--- cheeseless tunnels! This could make them insecure.
And if they are talking to each other, maybe they are feeding off each other and it's being projected onto you... again, because of change, insecurities, whatever...
Heather, you know you are making steps to improve your life and that of your children. You are making your daughters very proud. I think that you should be proud of yourself, too. Don't get caught up in the drama of your mom's r. If your mom's stbx is not a positive influence in your and your daughters' lives, why waste energy on him? I know it's difficult because it is family, but you will need to find where your boundary is with this. You can keep that happy positive attitude that I have seen here on the boards with them, and call it a day. You don't need to get into details with them now about your choices. Maybe once they can respect your boundaries. But for now, don't be afraid to simply say, "I'm a work in progress. I am doing the best I can making the best decisions I can for me and my girls. I appreciate your concern, but I don't want to discuss it. Have faith in me that I will do the right thing."
Heather, what I have seen here is that you have been a strong, kind, positive woman. You have been here to support others. You have your feet planted firmly on the ground. You have excellent goals set before you. Even through tough times, you haven't wavered. I know you are working towards having a productive, happy, fun life and there is nothing that Smokey or any other family members can do to take that from you. This is what it is all about: Removing yourself from the negative energy; Remembering what steps you need to take for you; Setting boundaries with things that are/are not acceptable in your life.
You can do this Heather. You have made it very far. You are amazing and don't ever forget it.
Funny about attitudes and beliefs, huh? People, especially families, are pretty entrenched in established attitudes and beliefs.
When somebody tries to step out of those familiar patterns or tries something new by moving into a new direction, it scares the bejesus outta people for it pushes them out of their comfort zone. In reaction to this discomfort, they pull you back because it is familiar to them. "Hey you! Not now. Too much, too fast."
Read this from a spiritual site just now and immediately thought of you, Heather. Bingo! Tailored just for you.
'It is time to leave behind entirely the idea that it matters what others think of you. This is even more important when the subject is what you know in your heart. No one else can tell you what to feel, what you should know in your bones, and how you should conduct yourself, especially when your newfound freedom allows you to be more generous, more forgiving, more loving and kind. It is silly when you think about it, isn't it, that even those who are in a position to benefit most from your new happiness and peace of mind are the ones who object most strenuously?'
It was just scary to me...felt alone. But, I will be ok.
Wonka, New York got back to me about salary. The preliminary discussions are $35 to $40. I could do that. I don't like the high taxes in NY, but we shall see.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
It contains tax and assessment info. You have a house in Ohio...a mortgage that you're paying, right? How do you plan to address this if you elect to take the job and move to Jefferson Co?
I'd negotiate for the higher end of salary and ask for relocation expenses. My feeling is if they want you badly enough, they'll accommodate your requests.
If I were you, Heather, I'd visit the job site before accepting an offer from the company. Also nearby Rochester has some large corporations, RIT, and the Democrat newspaper among others to consider.
My plan is to rent a house to start with...for now. We've been looking.
Smokey is the primary lender on the loan in Ohio. I would ask the attorney to take me off the loan. IF this pans out, the income will drastically reduce Smokey's support/alimony so I'm thinking he will be happy to unload the house.
I was already thinking about the higher end with relocation expenses. I brought it up already.
I just don't want to blow the opportunity. I have a great history of clips, but not much by way of editing and that's what I want a shot at. If I could learn page layout and editing...I would be so much more...more.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Wonka, you missed it! They are having me up next week. They invited me for two nights...hotel and food on them. I have no idea why I'm so interesting to them. I thought it was because they figured they could get me cheap...but, that's above what I hoped for?? IDK.
We will head up on Tuesday and I interview on Wednesday...we will definitely explore and look around before accepting any offers. I need to talk to the attorney first, before I accept anything, anyway.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
