It is very obvious that you are writing the email based on your emotions over what you just learned yesterday about W and the OM.
First things first...set the letter aside until this Friday. This is not a real emergency and does not NEED to be sent now. You want to be deliberate and thoughtful in approaching this.
I tell newbies all the time to post their draft emails/texts for feedback and input. Not because they cannot do it. It is because they do not YET have the proper DBing tools on how to write one based on DB principles.
What I advise around here when writing emails/texts is the following tips:
-KISS (Keep It Short and Sweet) Short, concise and relevant -STFU about blaming, resentment, self-righteousness, and moralizing
So Tarheel...take out your Sharpie pen and re-work this draft. Word of warning..there may be 2 or 1,000 drafts before you reach the final version. 'Kay?
For some tips on how to do this, you might want to visit Dev's thread. We worked with Dev on the no-OM boundary email to his wife.
I will be away all the rest of the afternoon for a work commitment and will return in the evening. Myself and other DBers will be happy to assist you through this writing process.
Hang in there! You've got tons of DBers ready to lend you support and assistance here.
'Over the past few days, I've been doing a lot of soul searching and honest reflection of our marriage and specifically, these past 11 mos. I've looked to God for answers and believe that I'm being told to continue fighting for us.
However, with that being said, I refuse to continue living in an open marriage. Should you decide you are unable to end contact with OM and commit to building a new relationship with me, I will move forward with initiating a divorce. We will continue to have a relationship with respect to the children that is civil, but I would like to cease all other communication.
So, are you willing to end all contact immediately and begin to take the necessary steps to build a new relationship with me?
Please take time to think about this and let me know either way by Monday morning...'
Before doing anything at all really try to separate emotion from true feelings. If I ever find out my WAW, was involved with OM, I am not for sure how I would react. I have a feeling she is and my emotions are all over the place. I want to text and just ask, and other things. However, does it help the current situation, if I want the M to be better someday does it help? I haven't been apart from W as long as you, but it sure seems like it. So I can't answer what's right it wrong.
Take some time, think about what you really want. Get out and try(hard I know) to have some fun. Maybe there is a way to make it all work, maybe you can still continue to work. My heart goes out to you though, try and stay strong!!!
Before doing anything at all really try to separate emotion from true feelingscore beliefs.
I would change that slightly -- but importantly (see above).
"Emotions" and "feelings" are the same thing. These BIG decisions in life should be made on what your non-negotiable core beliefs are, with a whole bunch o' prayer mixed in in my opinion!
Let's dissect your second draft, buddy. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'Over the past few days, I've been doing a lot of soul searching and honest reflection of our marriage and specifically, these past 11 mos. I've looked to God for answers and believe that I'm being told to continue fighting for us.I would suggest to leave God out of this. It could come across as sanctimonious to your wife...whether you intended or not. It is what it would look like from her POV.
However, with that being said, I refuse to continue living in an open marriage. Should you decide you are unable to end contact with OM and commit to building a new relationship with me, I will move forward with initiating a divorce. We will continue to have a relationship with respect to the children that is civil, but I would like to cease all other communication. ..'but I would like to' ...comes across as weak. As you know, inserting 'but' usually negates the preceding sentence.
So, are you willing to end all contact immediately and begin to take the necessary steps to build a new relationship with me? She's not willing. You might want to re-think this approach and make it a bit stronger. She needs to see that by not ending things with the OM, this...that...will happen. "are you willing"...suggests cooperation rather than making a decisive decision.
Please take time to think about this and let me know either way by Monday morning...' how about closing this a bit stronger? Please take...gosh! Just say, you have until Monday at noon to get back to me with your answer. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I would also work something in there that you are willing to work on the M alongside with W if she elects to end the affair with the OM. No where in the letter do you say this. I think it is very important to communicate to her that you are willing to do this. She needs to see and hear it from you.
'Over the past few days, I've been doing a lot of soul searching, praying and honest reflection on our marriage and specifically, these past 11 mos.
With that being said, I refuse to continue living in an open marriage. Should you decide you are unable to end all contact with OM and commit to building a new relationship with me, I will move forward with initiating a divorce. We will continue to have a civil relationship with respect to the kids and that will be all.
I'm asking that you end all contact immediately and begin to take the necessary steps with me towards building a new relationship.
Should you decide to work on our relationship, know that I am more than willing to put in the necessary work with you to establish a new, better marriage going forward.
I will look for your response by Monday morning on your decision...'
