This is quick 'cause I'm leaving in a few minutes.
But what you've described is classic projection. Your changes make THEM uncomfortable, so rather than own it, they lash out at you and your daughters.
Unfair? Absolutely. It's unevolved and unkind, and your mom and sister are in a place where they're not willing to see this. So unfortunately, they dump it on you.
The good news is that you really don't have to do this anymore.
Look... I totally understand. I was always the one person in my nuclear and extended family who talked with pretty much everyone. I've always tried to see everyone's side. And being willing to listen made them feel more comfortable than they should have. And when they dragged me into their dysfunction, I was miserable. So I moved so I could learn how to engage without this dynamic present on a daily basis (I can now hang up the phone cheerfully). They had to learn new coping mechanisms (or not). But best of all, I didn't have to engage in such unhealthy fashion.
HOWEVER, it wasn't for lack of trying that when I came home, they attempted to cast me in the former role. Okay, so I played Norma Desmond for my whole life. But I got sick of being Norma so I decided to let someone else try out for their role. Kind of like Margaret Hamilton, who nobody saw as capable of portraying another character other than the Wicked Witch of the West. You know? But Margaret considered herself an actress, and the witch the character. I don't know what kind of acting work she got after that, but whatever.
You don't have to play Margaret. Ever again. Even if they tell you that your role was cast for you specifically. You are not fulfilled playing that part.
As far as your D20 goes, here's what I'd tell her. The truth never needs a defense. Your mom and sister, like some folks in my family, aren't willing to see life from your perspective. So know that, and know in all likelihood that they aren't going to be able to play that role with you. Manage your expectations. It's like expecting a cat to bark. They're not capable of hearing your truth, so don't offer any rebuttals. Don't allow them to continue with their conversations. When things start to spiral, just say, "I've got a million things to do, so I'm leaving. Love you." And then exit. It won't fix things. It won't force them to change. But it WILL make you feel better about not playing the witch anymore.
Make sense?
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
