I tried to explain that I feel like I'm a different person now than who I was 3 years ago, but that they see me as the same. I don't want to be that person. I've worked hard on myself.
My sister then sorta shut us down. Said, "Well, I love you and want you to be happy. When you are ready, I'm here."
But, after she had told me that she doesn't have expectations from me, but wants a different relationship where I talk to her weekly and how she makes an effort to talk to Stepdad weekly and mom daily and how she values family above all else...and, I guess I don't?
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
There was so much, but it was all said in this politically correct/psychologically correct way and it doesn't sound like a put down...but the tone was all about mom and sis being, well, just BETTER than us. We were called unkind, insensitive, bad family.
It hurt like he!!.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
D20 kept talking and, of course, dug herself into a corner...because she is D20 and, then, got it worse. I tried to defend, but was so stunned that I just sorta shut down. I froze. I felt like I was being beaten. I know that sounds like a really horrific image compared to what was being said...but, it's how I felt and, then, began to wonder if I was crazy. Are they right? Am I all these things?
I was so overwhelmed, I somehow gathered everything and said, "I love you" and my sister didn't even come out of the bathroom and we left.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
This is quick 'cause I'm leaving in a few minutes.
But what you've described is classic projection. Your changes make THEM uncomfortable, so rather than own it, they lash out at you and your daughters.
Unfair? Absolutely. It's unevolved and unkind, and your mom and sister are in a place where they're not willing to see this. So unfortunately, they dump it on you.
The good news is that you really don't have to do this anymore.
Look... I totally understand. I was always the one person in my nuclear and extended family who talked with pretty much everyone. I've always tried to see everyone's side. And being willing to listen made them feel more comfortable than they should have. And when they dragged me into their dysfunction, I was miserable. So I moved so I could learn how to engage without this dynamic present on a daily basis (I can now hang up the phone cheerfully). They had to learn new coping mechanisms (or not). But best of all, I didn't have to engage in such unhealthy fashion.
HOWEVER, it wasn't for lack of trying that when I came home, they attempted to cast me in the former role. Okay, so I played Norma Desmond for my whole life. But I got sick of being Norma so I decided to let someone else try out for their role. Kind of like Margaret Hamilton, who nobody saw as capable of portraying another character other than the Wicked Witch of the West. You know? But Margaret considered herself an actress, and the witch the character. I don't know what kind of acting work she got after that, but whatever.
You don't have to play Margaret. Ever again. Even if they tell you that your role was cast for you specifically. You are not fulfilled playing that part.
As far as your D20 goes, here's what I'd tell her. The truth never needs a defense. Your mom and sister, like some folks in my family, aren't willing to see life from your perspective. So know that, and know in all likelihood that they aren't going to be able to play that role with you. Manage your expectations. It's like expecting a cat to bark. They're not capable of hearing your truth, so don't offer any rebuttals. Don't allow them to continue with their conversations. When things start to spiral, just say, "I've got a million things to do, so I'm leaving. Love you." And then exit. It won't fix things. It won't force them to change. But it WILL make you feel better about not playing the witch anymore.
Make sense?
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Part of me wonders if I am all the things they said?? Am I crazy? Am I unkind? Am I lazy? Etc...
Then, the other part sees how unhealthy my relationship with my mother always was. How she really needs to feel needed and I've been growing away from her...kinda like how I grew away from Smokey...I became stronger and needed different things from a relationship...Mom and sis are now united and analzye and have things figured out...meaning My Life, D20, what I should do, etc...
At one point, I asked her, "Mom, you know that I'm always there if you need something right?"...now, I just spent the last two weeks putting beds together, moving furniture and helping her at her apartment...she replied, "mmmm, well, I guess." WTF?
New York got back to me on salary. It's higher than I expected. :-) But, NY also has high income tax...so, there's that.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
