barely holding on - 2

[sandi2]

Getting back to having a plan of action and being a man only a fool would leave.....you could give a lot of time and breathing space to your W. If you show her your confident male strength (emotional/mental)and have no clingy, needy, smothering ways toward her,....then shine brightly during the times you are together, in time (a lot of time)she just might start to see you as being the better choice for her....since she says OM will never leave his family. In time, she may get tired of of playing second fiddle to OMW, IDK. You can't be demanding, controlling, questioning, spying, and those types of things. B/c you will have to let her go. She will need to feel that she is free to do whatever without giving you an account. You can still have boundaries and when she breaks them.......you tell her she's disrespecting you and then remove yourself from her presence immediately.

Many men prefer this way b/c they feel they do a better job of showing her their charm & winning personality,good times, interesting conversations, validation, a PMA, respond in her LL, plus all the other positive behavior acts that men usually think is making him the man only a fool would leave. Oh, and don't forget housework. Most men add in the housework when they start thinking of improving the MR. I think the weak spots would be the tendency for him to slip into a position to follow instead of leading (which the M and family really him to lead). I could see how he could start displaying old habits/behaviors, begin compromising, cease to GAL, and feel his dignity slip away. I'm not saying the M can't be saved. I think it would take a lot out of a LBS b/c of the long length of limbo. However, if there are small children involved and the man can be both mother & father in her emotional absence....he may prefer this plan of action.

Another way (but a lot with what I said above merges with this) does requires her to be transparent, respectful, and willing to earn your trust again. IMHO, the best way this plan will work to save the M is either the W has to be willing and agree to the conditions he gives, and/or he has to be prepared to issue the consequences of her dishonoring his boundaries.(read that part carefully or you'll misunderstand). The M is saved due to her cooperation and his tough--no nonsense proactive plan. Basically, she has to learn the hard way.....or they split. But a lot of men say they regained their dignity by standing up to the WAW and calling her out whenever she tried to use him like her doormat. I believe he can still be the man only a fool would leave (and show all those characteristics described above) but he has to perhaps exercise a tougher exterior and not put up with her craziness. This is actually attractive to a lot of women b/c he takes that stance and she respects it. However, some men simply are too afraid of the W leaving, and won't this route. It takes courage to go the tougher way.

I have hit very few highlights. I'm sure it's quite obvious the path I believe in more strongly. Maybe b/c of the experience of being a WAW and knowing the mindset & emotions that are attached. You couldn't begin to know how many books I have read down through the years on the subject of improving a MR. But NOTHING I had read came close to the reality of being an over-the-hill WAW who was in personal crises and having an A. That is, until I read DR (and since then, some other books on the subject of infidelity). There is a tiny little line in the DR that many folks seem to miss when they read the book. MWD says that if the WAS refuses to end the A (after you have really tried to DB) then get a lawyer and file for D! It is up to the individual LBS how long they can endure the stitch.

But let me add this b/c I don't want you to misunderstand me. Some people believe this tougher stance goes completely against the DR book. I agree that you don't see Michele tell you to stand up to the WAW, call her out on disrespect, etc. (At least I can't remember it at the moment.) I don't think the term "transparency" was ever used. I'm not sure I remember her talking about boundaries, etc. (Guess I need to go back and read it again to refresh my memory!) So again, it's up to you which pathway or plan of action you choose to take. There should be no division, but I think there certainly is here on the board....partly due to their own experiences, the individuality of each stitch, and people's viewpoints about it. When all is said and done, I believe the center theme of DBing is to do what works.

Sorry that I can't use fewer words. "I can't seem to help myself". (Isn't that what the LBS says?)